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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Yeah I know I am smart and intelligent and mature enough for my age to know the answer to this but my heart is contradicting it.I have been 3 months apart from my ex, obviously, I still love him as this gives me the reason to write here. I have been told to cut contact with him and I am trying all my best to follow this advise. At some point before, I lose my control and send him a text or two. He replies. Sometimes, he's the one initiating the contact.But it's a never ending battle between my mind and my heart. I don't contact him because everyone says it's the best thing to do to move on from your ex. But why does it make me feel worse than better? The longer I don't reply to him and the less I hear about him, I feel like I am going crazy. For this thing, I confirm I really love him as I find it so hard to let go where as my past two relationships, I had no trouble letting go.If I reply to his message, I am relieved inside. If I talk to him on the phone, I am happy again. I know we are over but to know he's still alive outside makes me feel okay. But when I refuse to reply and control myself from contacting him, I feel like I want to just lay down and die.Could this idea of letting go be wrong? Why doesn't it do me any good? I think I need some scolding here.
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move on, my ex, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (25 February 2010):
 Hi Miamine,
You are welcome.I wonder who is the one who initiated the breakup? Who is the one who wanted to leave the relationship?
If she still loves him , what is stopping them from coming together again?
Since communications is no problem , it is much easier to come back if both have the same heart.
There are people who remarry after they are official divorce...LOL!
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (25 February 2010):
 Thanks laura... I hope it helps the poster, cause it dosen't help me at all.. lol
Maybe you two might have a chance after all, if there are still some feelings... In your case this might just work.
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (25 February 2010):
People always generalized about a lot of things but all cases are not the same.Everyone is unique and not the same . What works for one may not work for another.
The reason you are feeling that way is because you cannot escape from your destiny ..LOL!
You are running away from him but something is pulling you back towards each other like a tractor beam. Your mind wants to run away but your heart is pulling you back.
It looks like ,you better listen to your heart because you will have peace that way.
Maybe, you were not meant to be separated.Being separated may bring on regrets or remorseful feelings.
Did you tried your very best to save the relationship?Do you want to try again ? If only.....???? So many questions going through your head with no definite answers.
Have you tried reconciliation?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (25 February 2010):
I've been in contact with my ex for 4years, and it's a living torture believe me. Finally worked up a bit of strength to say no you can't visit this week. I miss him and I love him, and he probably loves and misses me. But seeing him, talking to him just makes me miss him more. As soon as I get a couple of months without seeing him, I'm able to think positive and go on with my life, even find other men attractive. Seeing your ex so soon after a break up, is like digging at a sore wound and not letting it heal. Your stuck in the world of US, without contact you'd be able to finally live in a world of ME.
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female
reader, whoaitskim203  +, writes (24 February 2010):
well if you still feel this way, then it is obviously not over if he feels the same way as you do. but if he does not feel the same way anymore, then maybe being close friends would be a good idea because you can still keep contact with him although it would not be a relationship. but if you really loved him it will be hard to get over him, whether you're still friends with him or not.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 August 2009):
 O P writes: Maybe it doesn't apply to everyone this NO CONTACT rule. Do you think so?
What you are doing is clinging on to the ex to hold you over, or as a back up, or whatever. You are keeping him and you from moving on and forward. All in the name of your comfort. And, you aren't comfortable!
Like I said before the no contact rule is for people who want closure. It isn't for people who are using their ex as a security blanket.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All,
Sorry for replying just now. Well, I asked this question because this is not the way I handled my last break up prior to my current ex.
With that ex whom I have an on-and-off relationship for 4 years, although I was so broken hearted..I still remained in contact with him like once a week over chat. The so called friendship with him helped me cope up with the break-up knowing I still have him as a friend. And it helped me a great deal in surviving the break-up until I met my now current ex.
I mean, slowly..my state of hopefulness to reconcile with him as his gf died while I remained in contact with him. LOL does that make sense?
Maybe it doesn't apply to everyone this NO CONTACT rule. Do you think so?
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male
reader, Stephen Stewart Nixon +, writes (31 July 2009):
 Your break up is causing you emotional pain which very is normal. There has been a major change in your life and you haven't made up your mind what to do about it. Its like you are standing at a cross roads in the cold and its raining. Until you make a decision about which road to take you are going to continue to get cold and wet (i.e. be in pain). As the other commenters have said we do not know the circumstances of your break up so we can't advise on which road to take. One thing is for sure you need to make a decision because you will not start to recover until you do. Either get back with him or have no contact and move on. You can't move forward if you keep looking back. Yes three months is rather short in terms of getting over a relationship so give your self a chance you will get there provided you decide where you are trying to get to. You can get a copy of my free "Heartache Stress Buster" mini course from my blog I don't know if I'm allowed to add a link here but I'll try. http://breakupadvice.co.uk/ If the link isn't working just copy and paste it into your browser. Good luck
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female
reader, night gurl +, writes (31 July 2009):
 i went threw the same thing with my ex i talked with him but when school ended my heart snaped but i havent talked to him scence my heart is all better now thats why no contact is better
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (31 July 2009):
You think you need some scolding? Wow thats the first time I have seen that here. I'm going to let you have it. But first a disclaimer: My views on your problem are based on reading your letter. I could very well be wrong. I'm really just trying to give you something to think about. Solving the problem is of course your responsibility.The reason that "no contact" is not working for you is because, you don't want closure. You don't want to be rid of him. Actually you want to hang on to him as long as possible. Or, even get him back. "no Contact" is for people who want to get over their ex and get on with their lives. If you think that you want to get over him and move on you need to make that decision before you go no contact. Then stick to your decision. Every time you have any contact with him you reinforce the ties that you are trying to break. Think of it as millions of tiny threads tied together between you two. no contact makes the knots weak. Contact (even an unanswered text) ties new knots. So first make up your mind. Then send a memo from your mind to your heart. Then stick to your decision. Enough scolding?FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): No contact is very helpful if you know in your mind that this relationship will not work, that this person no longer is good for you or you for him. Sometimes Love has nothing to do with that, you can love someone very much, but not be able to take their abuse for instance.
No contact is not helpful if you broke up over a fight or a misunderstanding, if you think you can work things out and get back your relationship. Only you know the answer to that one.
But speaking to your feeling happy when he calls and miserable when he doesn't that is the exact reason you should cut all contact if you know you need to move on and get over him. It is very difficult to be friends with someone that you were truly in love with, it hurts to much to see them with someone else, even though you may hope for the best for them...because I don't think love really ever completely goes away....the dull ache will remind you of that when you see them.
Also, three months is not very long to give yourself to get over someone. It is going to be tough not to contact him, you will cry and feel miserable for awhile, and you will need to tell yourself at some point that enough is enough, no more tears and just get busy with your life. Do what makes you happy. After all you do not need this person in order to be happy. You wanted him at one time, but you don't need him to be a happy person, do you?
Really you are going through the stages of grief just like when someone dies. Right now you may be stuck in denial, you may bargain with him or yourself to keep the relationship, you will feel anger, you will go through depression and finally acceptance. And you will go back and forth between these stages more than once....so be patient with yourself and just realize that you have to do the work to get through it. By that I mean learn something from your mistakes, learn what you really want in a mate, and work to build yourself a support system and a happy life that a man will have to fit his way into if he wants to be with you. Don't give up who you are for a man and if you weren't happy in this relationship, know that you will be again with someone who is more loving and who is more right for you.
Take care.
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male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (31 July 2009):
 No contact is good for a breakup because its JUST THAT! NO CONTACT.
How can you move on with your life if you keep revisiting the poisoned well? You broke up for a reason. Its been three months. No contact allows you to clear your head and move forward.
Do you honestly think that it will work out the next time around. Perhaps you are living by the addage "The Devil I know is better than the Devil I dont know?"
If you look at your post again, you will see you are answering your own questions...trust me....reread it.
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male
reader, timbo +, writes (31 July 2009):
You are your own worst enemy. If you have no contact, find other people and things to occupy your time, you will be able to move on eventually. Thats a fact. But, you can really never get someone completely out of your heart if you were in love. A little bit of that love will always take up a little space in your heart. Also, try to concentrate on something bad that was in the relationship. Like the pain caused by the breakup. Im in the process of trying to get over someone as I type this. Its not easy but it is doable. People get back together all the time also cause the causes of the breakup become clearer and most are fixable. Is this a possibility? Good luck
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