A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:help i really don't know what to do, i don't feel like i can let my mum be so controling all the time. Everyone in my house tip toes around her, she is self employed but never puts in effort to get work so we live off my dads wage. She has ruined every holiday i have ever been on because she is always psycoanalysing us all just so she can start an argument. A lot of the time i honestly don't know how my dad stands it. Recently (this year just before i'm off to university) she has become even worse, she basically treats me like i'm about 10 (i'm almost 18 by the way) she won't let me spend time with my boyfriend or stay out with friends all off a sudden. There is no way i can talk this through with her because she has the most ridiculous guilt complex ever where she feels bad for not letting me do stuff so instead she makes me reach the point where i am the one saying "no i don't want to go see my friends this week" and i just say it because i want her to stop draining me of energy.Basicaly can someone please help me understand why she is like this because i'm really finding it to continue giving her chances. I want to see my parents as friends when i leave home but i feel like i'm going to leave home and never go back (except to rescue my sister)
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female
reader, cat lady  +, writes (14 January 2011):
 Hello, girl!As to menopause, one of my mother's sister's started going through it at 38, so I just offered it as a possible if she was really acting weird.I have something else to tell you that may amaze you: not too long ago, NOBODY ever asked a lady what she did for a living, let alone expressed opinions about what she should be doing in that direction. It was not even assumed that a lady did all her own housework. My mother used to tell me, "If you ever have to scrub your own floors, be sure to lock your doors so no one sees you doing it." When you are running your own home, you may discover that it's a full-time job all by itself, particularly if you have children. Wait till you're older before you get to such speculations - and even then, courtesy requires that you keep them to yourself.Your mother's blood sugar will be, to her own mind, her own business, so don't feel hurt if she rejects your intrusions into it. She is not a child; did she not bring you into the world, and at great physical cost to herself? It is certainly your place as a daughter to ask her about her health if she appears to be not feeling well but I don't imagine that 'advice' on her personal dietary habits from such a youngster is well received, lol. On the other hand, she may be pleased to consult you, and brag about you, when you get through medical school and have the knowledge and training to back up your opinions. You might consider yourself lucky. A year or two ago, it was all over the media about a father killing his own daughter in Canada because he didn't like the way she dressed for school. In some places, girls are killed just for trying to go to school! If your life is better than that, you can thank earlier generations of women for seeing to it that you had a right to your own choices and then going on to influence the rest of the world to improve human rights everywhere. You can thank your men too, for their part in building a civilization for you that respects individual rights and for their readiness to fight and die to preserve it. College days are in front of you, very soon. Be patient about your social freedoms and start preparing academically for those new challenges. Your mother may just be biting her nails hoping you don't fall under the bad influence of some guy and get side-tracked from all your opportunities. You'll be surprised how much better you two get along in a few years.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your help guys, in reply to some comments/questions
1) she has never worked hard, even 5 or 6 years ago when there was tons of work available she would not take it or go out and get it.
2)she did have a bad childhood, I know it's unsympathetic but I just don't see that as an excuse. My dad had the same problem but doesn't take it out on me or my sister.
3)she is 42, that's a bit young for menopause isn't it??
Also I think she causes herself problems because she eats a lot of chocolate (is still very very toned and athletic, not fat) and it probably plays with her blood sugar levels A LOT
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (12 January 2011):
 Hi Hunny
I can 110% understand how you feel, When you try to talk does she walk away? If there is a problem is it brushed under the carpet unless its directly to do with her?
My mother was quite different towards us when we were younger and older than she has been with my children...Its so frustrating.
There is so much you feel you want to say but fear saying it to keep the peace and then you are so heated up inside you have no idea where to vent...
Im looking after my dad now as he is ill and my mums contolling behaviour towards me has never changed, Yet she will make exuses for my worry's about certain thing about my adult children and lie to hide the truth....
"Do as I say not as I do"
I think controlling behaviour as this keeps people grounded and without control they obviously feel very much out of control, This they canot cope with, This is melt down...
She doesnt want to let you go, Its really good that you are going to university, This will be the best thing for you. My mother never wanted me to leave home I had to do things behind her back concerning finding a home for my daughter and myself, She took complete control of my children with bribes which hurt as Im an honest person. She would not speak to me before I left and this is not that long ago and Im alot older than you hunny...She wanted me as close as possible this caused so many problems and for my dad it got him down but he always stuck by her because life is not good when her moods are low...Sweetheart get yourself to university and live your life, You sound very sensible and Im sure you are going to do amazingly well, Trust me you will spread your wings and fly, In this life we all have to learn by making our own mistakes and children are not ours they are a gift for us to take care of and let go with love when the time comes..You take care of you and goodluck Im sure you will do wonderfully well, TAKE CARE OF YOU WITH LOVE MANDY XXXXXXX
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A
female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 I understand how you feel as I had same experience like you. I was even at age 22 and they were so strict and over protective.
I felt no freedom at all to do things my own so I became rebellious...as years passed by I realized they were right and understood why they were so over protective.
Someday too you will realize and understand that what your Mom is doing is for your own good. She may be tough and rough with you at this moment but it will be for your own good.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (11 January 2011):
 When you are as old as I am you tend to think of this as the natural outcome of a girl growing up and a mum trying to be sure she doesn't make mistakes. Mum gets a little / a lot controlling, and Daughter gets a little / a lot rebellious.
That goes away with time. It feels horrible now, but in a few years it won't.
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A
female
reader, cat lady +, writes (11 January 2011):
Menopausal mood swings? I'm not being 'sexist;' men have mid-life crises also, but with women, at least you can see them coming and do something about them. Nutritional supplements can help a lot there. It's usually at that age when men run off with their secretaries and nobody suspected. There might be more friction in her marriage than you think and you wouldn't necessarily learn of it. It's amazing the things parents can keep from their kids.
Under all that annoyance, you've probably encountered in yourself a little bit of pity, haven't you? She's self-employed? Maybe she's having more trouble getting work than you know; the economy having taken a dive all over the world lately. Her self-confidence might be suffering for a lot of reasons at this time of her life. Then there's you: a young girl with your life in front of you and in especially dark moods, she might begrudge you your youth and freedom just a little bit, feeling as if her own life has passed her by.
I know what you mean with the psychological games. My own mother is an expert and then, we're on opposite sides of the political aisle and to this day, she won't let me alone about that - and I'm at least as old as your mother. Nonetheless, if your mother has only really got bad lately, there are underlying causes that have nothing to do with you, count on it.
Go on off to college and tend to your education and that will give you both some 'space' to get each of your lives better organized. If you cannot reason with your mother now, don't try; it'll only enrage her. What's your father's take on this, by the way? Have you discussed your difficulties with him?
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A
female
reader, AnnaW219 +, writes (11 January 2011):
 I used to feel the same way infact my mother was actually worse. Have you always felt like the middle child, like no one is listening to you or even wants to? I know it doesn't seem like the best thing to do asking he why she acts that way but if you get even a smidgen of an answer it's better than nothing. When i went through this i confronted my mum before i left to move in with my fiance she said i was being stupid and she does not act like that but do you know what she actually changed a little just by me confronting her and then when i did eventually move out she told me her mum acted the same way i couldnt understand as she didnt seem like the person to do that but even so me and my mum became best friends after i left the house know where like sister's i can talk to her about everything, my point is if you confront her she may tell you why or even change if not when you leave i assure you she will most definitely change
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): I understand your problem. I was once a teen that experienced the same issues. Now a mom, I cantell you this....most of the time the human reacton of a parent is to "stress with fear" instead of using"common sense". It sounds like your mum is afraid of you making any bad decisions and not beingable to control you....(which in parent terms means "keep an eye on you anymore" has her terrifyed. Havingsaid that...she also sounds like she has other unhappiness issues that she is dealing with. Sometimes not having anyone to reach out to as a mom makes you react with stress! Like feeling worthless and dissapointed in yourself. Appeal to her to just talk and see what you can relax her nerves. You may have been her sanity crutch and she is losing you. Also, make dad romance her and she might leave you alone. Hope something works!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 January 2011): Hi:) ummm im not a genius but my guess is she probably has something that is really bothering her and she doesnt know how to cope with it so she's just grumpy all the time. My mom has always been a bad mom and the reason why she is like that was because she had a horrible crappy childhood and her way of letting her anger out is treating me and my brothers like dirt. Try talking to her to find out whats wrong. Good luck
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