A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I am a 31 year old married woman. You have given me great advice in the past. Here is my problem: This is a little long with background. My father and my husband get along great. My dad usually calls him, son, when he talks to him; however, my mom and sister ridicule my relationship with my husband.I adore my husband. He has been the best husband and father I could have ever for our kids, 2 boys and a girl (8, 5, and 2). He is so sweet and often worries and cares for me to excess. I don't know if I am having sex with a man or an army as his lusts are endless. Our plans are to have 2 or 3 more kids while I am in my 30s. God has put a little girl in my path that I want to adopt. My husband says that if I have bonded with this child and love her as a mother, he will love her as a daddy, and to move ahead with it. This is in process. So, kid #4 will be adopted.I am not the hard line feminist that my mom and sister are. I am more of the submissive type. I watch them berate their husbands. I am different. I have often told my husband that he treats me like a queen, so he is my king, and may rule this subject as he pleases. He loves that. The thing is that by being this way, I get all of the things my mom and sister nag my dad and brother-in-law over. So, I am taking my husband a drink and snack when he gets home. He is seated. I kiss him. He thanks me, takes the food with one hand, and helps himself to a pinch of my butt with the other. For the record, he can pinch or smack my butt anytime he wants. My mom is there. I see her rolling her eyes and sighing at me. Why does my mom feel this way while my dad feels so differently?
View related questions:
married woman Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 September 2011):
 And yes, naturally, there's also what Chigirl says.
There's nothing wrong if your husbands likes to touch your butt- in private.But in front of your family ? Not the top of good taste. It may feel totally innocent, a gesture of affection not of dominance- anyway it's a gesture that implies intimacy and erotic connotations. Does he also fondle your breasts in front of his in-laws ? Slide his hand between your thighs ? Do you grab his crotch in front of HIS mother ?...I don't think so...
It may be that your mother and sister roll their eyes at that, in the same spirit I roll my eyes when there's a couple of teenagers noisily slurping each other's face next to me on the bus , I am not a prude , and I am all for people being in love,but, it's like, come on, guys, tune it down, sensuality does not need to be on permanent display, unless you work in burlesque.
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (7 September 2011):
 Every person is different. Your dad is ok with your husband's behaviour because he doesnt see it as anything wrong. He sees you are happy and that is enough for him. Maybe he is non judgmental and doesnt judge you and your husband for what you do together, as long as you, his daughter is happy and healthy and has a fulfilling family life.
Your mom on the other hand probably does not like the equations of your relationship and wonders how you can allow him to have such a hold on you. I'm not passing any judgments here...to each his own, and if you and your husband are happy, then good for you. But yes, it does sound a bit odd that your relationship is based on power equations and you view each other as king and queen. I'm not judging you in any way, i'm just saying that there are different ways of looking at this.
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (7 September 2011):
 Your mom wants you to be happy, but she's conflicted because she thinks there's a certain way for you to be happy, and no other. She will continue to think this despite all evidence to the contrary.
Don't let it get you down. Feminists will tell you you're not a strong enough person to be independent and empowered, but don't listen. There is an undeniable strength in graceful femininity, steel wrapped in velvet. You've seen it - other wives nag and fight, and are never satisfied; you make him happy, and give him strength and the desire to see you happy. It's yin and yang at work, and it makes the two of you a team, rather than a business arrangement.
Your mom does have a point in that not every woman is suited for submissiveness, and not every man is suited for dominance. Where she's screwing up is in failing to see that it goes the other way, too - that the evidence of your strength is in the powerful family unit you've helped to build, and in your happiness (and that of those around you). Keep it up.
...............................
A
female
reader, Trinklett  +, writes (7 September 2011):
 He loves you, you love him. The sex is great, you have 3 kids and wanting more. Forget about your mum and sister - they are a pain in the neck. From what I gather your marriage is near perfect. If they can't handle it, that's not your problem.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2011): As long as you are happy and your hubby is happy... to heck with the rest of them!
I am a bit old fashioned, and I enjoy "waiting" on my husband. And, like your hubby does you, my hubby treats me like a queen in return. It makes him feel special to have me walk up to him, while we are among friends/family, and kiss him on the cheek and hand him a snack or beverage. He doesn't expect it or require it... but he appreciates it.
He will also return the favor: if I'm exhausted from work, he'll bring me a drink, massage my feet and fluff my pillow. He is very attentive to me, without being fussy or bossy.
We rarely argue because we are both more interested in pleasing the other than we are in "being right". It's a win/win situation.
I am the luckiest woman in the world.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 What exactly does your mom and sister say/do? You only mentioned the rolling of eyes when you are publicly pinched in the butt. Which I can understand, as such things are better left to private sessions. Nobody enjoys watching another couple's foreplay. Keep the pinching of butts to when you and your husband are alone.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 September 2011):
 OH and of course so many folks do NOT get the concept of "dominate from the bottom"
In many relationships the true person in charge is the submissive one...
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 September 2011):
 Your Mom and Sis sound like jealous shrews.... and the best way to deal with them is to NOT deal with them.. .(i.e. IGNORE THEM!!!!).... Sounds like you've got a great husband and marriage.... don't let either person put a damper on either of them...
...............................
A
male
reader, wiseoldman  +, writes (6 September 2011):
Submission is a selective, rather than a general thing, in the same vein as having sex. Sex with one does not mean sex with all, and submitting to one does not mean being submissive to everyone. You have offered your submission to your husband and no-one else, because he's the person to whom you wish to submit. It's your choice, freely given, and no-one's business but your own. Not every woman desires a relationship of this nature, but having found what you want, enjoy yourself and consider that while the other women in your family may not want a similar situation, (it's not for everyone) they envy your contentment.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (6 September 2011):
 Another reason why they have difficulty accepting it may be the most obvious. The vast majority of women who submitted to their husbands were, after years of thankless servitude, overwhelmed, exhausted, unfulfilled and resentful (then traded in for a newer model). If the old status quo had been successful there would have been no need or desire for social change.
It's difficult to grasp that a certain lifestyle can be rewarding when all you've ever experienced, heard of, read about or observed were failures.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 September 2011):
I think it sounds like a perfect marriage. He loves you, you love him, you both respect each other... what your mum or dad thinks is not anyone's business.
You are not in danger you are not being abused if anything you probably have way more respect than most women in marriages.
I am a strong independent woman but I treat my man like the king of our castle... he said thank you for you bringing him the food and was affectionate in front of others... WINNING as far as I'm concerned.
Mum needs to butt out.
...............................
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (6 September 2011):
 Please send me a snip of your husbands hair so I may clone a copy for myself!
I would suspect jealousy for the connection you and your husband have! Your female family members see your submission as a sign of weakness and that he is take advantage of it.
They do not understand that your submission to your husband is really a strength! You respect each other! You each have your own role to each other and your family. I bet the two of you treat one another as equals, but in different serving and loving capacities.
You have found a formula that works for the two of you! They may feel your loving,submissive attitude is beneath them/women and you are getting the love and affection they desire in the "wrong" way.
I would suggest you tell them just what you shared here! Then, look them straight in the eye and tell them you will NOT berate your husband or your marriage. If they do, they will see less of you and their grandkids. Anything less is disrespectful of you and your family. This is the man you chose. This is the man that chose you and makes you feel loved, wanted, cherished, precious, desired, etc.
It is not her marriage, so she does not get a "say" in what is right. The two of you are happy, in love, satisfied and raising a love-filled family! Kudos to you!
...............................
A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (6 September 2011):
People who have been, or belong to a group who has been, mistreated in the past are more sensitive to mistreatment in the present, real or imagined. Strength in numbers is what allows the underdog to bring about social changes. Members of that underdog group believe that without their constant vigilance the unacceptable status quo would return. When they see their peers choosing to live a more traditional lifestyle they are afraid that the strength in numbers that helped bring about those changes will erode and eventually so too will all those hard won rights and freedoms. Keep in mind that you choose to submit to your husband because he has earned your trust and respect. Your father and brother-in-law obviously haven't earned the same from their spouses. It is as difficult for your mum and sister to understand why you like it as it would be for you to understand why someone captured and forced into slavery would then choose slavery as a way of life (Stockholm Syndrome notwithstanding). They will probably never understand or agree with it and that is their right. As long as they understand that this works for you and you're happy, that is all that matters.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 September 2011):
Because your dad is a male, and he may like , at least at a fantasy level, being told that he can rule his subjects as he pleases ( when even real life kings can't do that anymore ,lol- they all have democracies and constitutions and public opinion to contend with ) and be served hands and feet and feel free to smack butts " at any time ".
While your mom and sister, being women, may find it vaguely disturbing, or slightly ridiculous.
I am not a hard line feminist, in fact I am not a feminist at all !, yet I'd feel a bit uneasy too in this kind of psychological set up. "Adoration " ... " kings and queens "... adoration is for idols, and I am citizen of a Republic, so I'd rather be with a fellow Republican in a relation of absolute equality.
I am NOT criticizing you, that's your life and your marriage, whatever floats your boat, and if this matrimonial monarchy makes you happy.. I am happy that you are happy . But please understand that what you describe may feel uncomprehensible, or slightly weird, for other women, who do not to share your natural submissive traits.
...............................
A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (6 September 2011):
 your marriage sounds lovely! you and your husband love and respect each other, your mum and sister seem jealous because they are not loved up with their men like you are with yours. take no notice of them! its a shame they can't just be happy for you!
x
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty Monica  +, writes (6 September 2011):
First I must commend you for the way you stand up for what you want and know how to get it despite the pressure from all sides.
Your mum probabble had a bad experience in the past that has infected her perception of all men.
The truth is that your dad might be a great father but not such a fantastic husband especially when you were much younger.
Your mum is most likely scared you will get hurt at some point so it may be her way of showing she loves and cares for you or maybe she knows somthing you dont...........
Stick to your guns, treat your husband like a king.... it obviously works for you. All the best
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011): Because your different, you live your way and your happy.Mums probably thinking you shouldn't be how you are,that you should be more like her.Maybe she's a bit envious.Maybe she didn't see you with loads of children but as a career woman.Thats not your problem.
If your happy and it works don't change for anyone. Your Dad sees it differently,he sees a happy content daughter so will respect your husband for this.
...............................
|
