A
female
age
30-35,
*rin0236
writes:There is a male co-worker, "John", that works in another department. When I first started, I thought that he was cute and funny. He seemed kind of shy and wouldn't talk to me when we were alone, only when other people were around. One time he came over to talk to my boss about something and he was being really funny. I was trying not to laugh out loud, but John saw that I was smiling and then he smiled. When I had to talk to him about a work related event, he seemed very different. He was abrupt and then walked off. He was very moody and I assumed that he didn't like me.I didn't think much about him until the summer when he started staring at me. He has a very intense stare and he will look at me when I'm not paying attention or if I'm not looking at him. It's a little intimidating because he doesn't smile, he just stares. My other co-workers noticed him checking me out and started giving us a hard time. Now he avoids me. The one day we were the only two walking down the hallway and he saw me and literally turned and ran the other way.The next day, however, he came by my desk and was staring at me. He doesn't talk though! (He talks to my other coworkers though.)This is really confusing! We have never really talked. There is a new girl in his section who is very pretty and he sits with her at lunch. I don't like his moodiness and the fact that everything is on his terms. If I talk to him, he acts strange and runs away, yet he will stare at me when I'm not looking.What's the deal with this guy? Any thoughts? Has anyone else experienced this?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (17 November 2018):
 It sounds like he may have some sort of social anxieties. As long as his behaviour does not impact on your work, then I would push it out of your mind. If it does affect your work, the you need to have a word with your line manager.
It's never a good idea to mix romance with work anyway, so even IF his behaviour is down to him fancying you (and that is a big IF), you should steer clear of any involvement. It seldom goes down well with bosses. In any case, his erratic behaviour does not bode well for a relationship.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2018): I think that you WANT people to say that he likes you, because you like him. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. Either way, he hasn't made a move, probably because you work together, so I wouldn't think about it too much.
How big is your workplace? Sometimes in small workplaces you can't HELP but look at particular people a lot. It sounds like he's just being professional and keeping away as you don't know each other or is embarrassed that your coworkers think he likes you or vice versa.
If he's into you, he will find a way to spend time with you inside or outside of work. If you are seriously into him, then you could ask him out, but heed the warnings of the other cupids who advise against dating in the workplace.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2018): Why is his behavior considered so strange? All that silly high school nonsense about crushes and such. You're at work.
Leave crushing for your personal-time and a different place.
Better offsite from your workplace. Even if he's head over-heels, he better keep it pro when on the job!
Why can't it be the possibility that he senses your crushing; and he's keeping a professional-distance, but likes you as a person all the same?
The other girl may be pretty, but she may be able to stay professional; and accept friendliness without attaching anything to it. You can be attracted to someone, and still maintain self-control. Remembering where you are, and how to conduct yourself during work-hours.
Yes, I'm being preachy; because I'm well-trained and knowledgeable about how these things get out-of-hand.
People nowadays don't have filters or know professional-boundaries when they're in the workplace. Yet get angry when they have to go to sexual-harassment seminars; or are given a company-manual outlining company policy on conduct and ethics. That is because when you are on the clock, you are being paid for your work and productivity. Not for socializing and creating an atmosphere conducive to sexual-harassment and liability for the employer.
Your safety and having a comfortable work-environment is your employer's legal responsibility. You should be able to work without guys hitting on you, or making unwanted passes. Sometimes you're intimidated, or not sure how to react. It's the company's responsibility to see that is eliminated from your work-environment; so you shouldn't have to worry about it.
It's not only about how males behave; but how female employees behave at work as well. They are more likely to file a lawsuit; if they feel disrespected, or harassed by male-coworkers. Male employees are less likely to be believed; because society sets a separate standard.
John wants so badly to be friendly with you, but he doesn't want you making it look like something's going on; or he could possibly be making improper passes. That could draw attention from supervisors looking-out for improper conduct.
He likes you, but wants to keep it impersonal.
One OP sent me an IM telling me they have a relaxed office environment, and tried to tell me it's not like that. Yeah, right! She had an American flag next to the title of her post. If she works in America, that's a lie; or her employer is non-compliant with labor laws for companies with a certain number of employees. We have to issue policy manuals outlining conduct and give sexual-harassment training. There's a giant American company facing a class-action suit by female employees. They were loosey-goosey, and now it's going to cost them. Possibly millions!
He can be male and be friendly without wanting a date. In-fact, men can find you attractive, want to be friendly; and have absolutely no romantic-interest in you. So if he's hot and cold, great! He responds to how you react when he's around you. You can't say he's coming on to you, and anyone around you witnessing his conduct will say, "I can't say he's acting inappropriately!" If you're acting like there is, then he's going to run when he sees you.
To attribute it to romantic-interest, or say with certainty that he's attracted to you is risky; unless you keep it in the proper context. Even if you're crazy about him.
Keep it professional at work. Workplace romances can sour; then you're stuck having to face the jerk day after day. Co-workers will get on your nerves with the whispers,teasing, and gossip. The supervisors will be keeping notes; so your employer will have reasonable defense, if a sexual-harassment lawsuit looms over the company. You can't always just turnoff your feelings; if some co-worker played you, and they work with you everyday! What if you get pregnant, or an STD?
How do I know all this? Because I'm a Regional Director of a large company, and I oversee 3000 plus employees. It's part of my job to!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 November 2018):
 You work with him and he blows hot and cold, so I would drop ALL romantic notion and JUST accept that he is a coworker who is a little off at times.
TREAT him like you would any other coworker, BE professional, civil and courteous.
He might think that YOU are interested thus he is making a big deal out of distancing himself from you.
OR he is just a REALLY awkward man.
As for WHY he acts this way? Who knows? WHY CARE? It's really none of your business.
Dating in the work place usually turns out to be a big mistake. So IF you were hoping for a little romance here, I'd look OUTSIDE the work place for that.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (16 November 2018):
 sounds to me as if this guy is crushing on you and is scared to talk to you. You have not done anything to upset him, you have not fallen out with him, so i'm guessing the only reason for this behaviour is he fancies you.
We have all crushed on someone at one point or another, or even become tongue tied when we come to talk to them. Im not sure however that if i fancied someone at work i would go to the lenths that John is going to just to let someone know i fancy them, but i guess we are all different.
What would you do if he did pluck up the courage and ask you out?.
Not trying to put you off, but just be careful about becoming close to a colleague that you work close to. If you got together and it did not work out things can become quite arkward.
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