A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Recently a friend of mine told me that she saw my boyfriend's ex working at a nearby shopping outlet. She is working there part time to earn extra holiday cash. History of my boyfriend and his ex : They remained friends for a whole year after him and I dated. I was totally OK with it, until I found out he never told her that he has a new girlfriend and she was trying to get back together with him the whole time. He also lied to me and sent private messages to her. Finally, I asked him to break contact because his lies and betrayal hurt me a lot while I trusted him to be FRIENDS with her. I wanted us to have nothing to do with her anymore. No more contact.This shopping outlet that she works at, she knows my boyfriend likes going there for holiday sales. When I told my boyfriend that she is working there, I secretly hoped his response was that he would try to avoid that shopping outlet. But he didn't say that. He even said maybe they can have coffee and chat. This caused me to be very upset and hurt. When I asked why would he still want to meet up with her after how he's hurt me, his reason was whatever happened was in the past and I should forget it. She doesn't have a boyfriend now, but I did hear that she dated a lot of different people, each relationship only lasting a few months.Was I expecting too much from my boyfriend?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2018): His ex should not be there, period. He is allowing it. I am a big believer of where there is smoke, there is fire. People should not remain friendly with an ex, unless there are shared children between them. You're right to see her as a threat. Just as he would see your ex as a threat under similar circumstances. The nerve of committed men to act like that! Two choices. Put up with it and watch it turn into more or leave him before that happens.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2018): Here's your mistake. You had the opportunity to decide what you could handle going into this; and you could have also laid-out your guidelines about ex-girlfriends remaining as friends. You're a grown-up and an intelligent woman.
You said it was cool. What evidence do you have anything is wrong? Is this a matter of trust? Isn't he trustworthy?
If you don't have a policy, establish one. Most guys won't stand for you being too friendly with other men; let alone your ex-boyfriends, or ex-husband. They find it emasculating and challenging to his manhood, in-front of the other guy. Even the most secure man will draw the line, where it comes to too much interaction with other males who aren't blood-related. It's a guy-thing! It really shouldn't be an issue; if you're behaving properly and respectful of each-other.
You discern and assess the type of friendship he has with an ex. Try not to be biased. Keeping an open-mind, you quietly observe how they interact with each other. Too touchy, secretive, spend far too much time together? Always texting? THIS SHOULD BE DONE BEFORE YOU COMMIT TO THE GUY! These are the red-flags! Seen any? If not, you're overreacting!
Take notice of how often she calls. What hour of the day or night that she contacts him. Does he sit and talk in-front of you, or always have to excuse himself? Does he jump when she says jump? Has she suddenly become more of a presence than ever before?
Unless it is in regard to a business matter, shared children, or he owes her money; she should have a life of her own, and no time to be interrupting your relationship.
Just because he shops where she works only means it's a small world!
Committing yourself to be his girlfriend should have been contingent on his limited and self-regulated interactions with ex-girlfriend(s). Guys who have too many lady-friends or seem still married to an ex-wife...that's a no-brainer. You keep stepping! Why the hell should you even bother putting yourself in the center of that mess?
Many women who come to DC to post about ex-girlfriend woes with their boyfriends have major trust-issues. They pretend it's cool, it's okay; all the while they're checking his phone, spying on his social media accounts, having friends spy on him, and checking his underwear and collars for stains.
He doesn't require your permission to have lady-friends; but there is always something that has to be considered.
Most guys who hang-on tight to their ex-wives and ex-girlfriends as friends; have trouble juggling their present love-interest, and the one he had in the past.
Men aren't good at setting boundaries between the single-women they keep in their lives. He acts like a rooster in a hen house. Keeping past and present relationships properly separated and prioritized is difficult and tricky. You have to get it right! No room for error!
Women see through each other easily. You are suspicions of other women always calling your guy. Not far off the mark about other women competing with you for your man. He plays stupid, because he doesn't want to piss either of you off. He likes the competition and feels studly. It's an ego-booster. Not in the case of decent men; because it's never an issue. His woman knows where she stands, and has no cause for concern. She comes first. She can trust him.
It's best to notify all friends (on both-sides) you are in a new committed-relationship; and that's usually a signal that availability and access is controlled and selective. Show us respect for our privacy. Then everyone steps back, and allows the new relationship to become properly established.
A truly honorable and respectful ex; immediately makes it clear to the new-girlfriend, she can be trusted and she shouldn't be considered a threat. If she's shady, she's a wedge; and plans to cause disruption. She's constantly making her presence felt. Always looming over your relationship. If he doesn't stop it, he's no good. He approves. If it's all in your head that there's something going-on, and there isn't; he's likely to dump you first.
If he treats her like a girlfriend; then you have the option to end the relationship. He's a wannabee-polygamist on the sly.
He should be man enough and respectful enough to make sure there is never any misinterpretation or misunderstanding as to the degree the ex is involved in his life. She shouldn't be treated any differently than any other female-friend. She should know her place, and everything should be out in the open and transparent. She should be out of sight, out of mind.
Men too often make the mistake of showing partiality towards their ex. The new girlfriend ends-up feeling insecure and betrayed; when she feels they're too chummy. It's odd that he almost seems way too loyal as an ex; when the time to have shown such loyalty would have been when they were together. If they don't share kids, you can set all kinds of boundaries. The objective is to establish trust in your new relationship. Provided your new girlfriend isn't pathetically insecure, or jealous by nature.
When you find lies and inconsistencies, or evidence of cheating; you have to be woman enough to see it for what it is, and kick his ass to the curb. Not fight over him; when all he'll do is treat you like you're a jealous fool, and he has no clue why you're upset.
I have a scorched-earth policy about exes. If they know their place, no problem. I don't compete! I'll dump your ass, if you have trouble establishing boundaries. If I found you, I can find someone better. I'm not going to be in a love-triangle competing or sharing affections for you with your freaking ex! Bye Felicia!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2018): He could very well be someone who is okay to remain friends with exes and he was not only open about being friends with her he was also open that he could meet her for a coffee, not the actions of a man sneaking around behind your back to be fair.
How she feels is irrelevant, she could just be that way without it having any real meaning. At the end of the day if he wanted to be with her it wouldn't matter if she was working in the mall or Timbuktum he would have reciprocated the feelings you think she has for him, but he hasn't....
Chill, suggest going with him for a coffee, you know the saying keep your friends close and your enemies closer, she isn't your enemy but getting to know her might just help alleviate your worries and shows her a united front, just be positive though so its not a shitty experience!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2018): Honeypie thanx for your response.
If it were me, and my boyfriend didn't have a problem with my being friends with my ex, #1. I would've told my ex I had a boyfriend. As a matter of fact I actually did. A ex-ex called me while I was out with my boyfriend on our 2nd or 3rd date and I picked up the phone and told my ex I was with my new boyfriend and even introduced them over the phone. I like things transparent and up front, dislike any shadinesss. As for my boyfriend, eventhough he knows I was fine with him being friends with his ex, he NEVER answered her calls in front of me. Even when he texted her he walks away.
Now, if my boyfriend had told me that an ex was working somewhere temporarily for the holidays, and there was some history with said ex. My answer would simply be I would try to avoid where ever that ex was. Not because I'm afraid to see him, but because I want my boyfriend to know I won't risk doing anything that would make him feel uncomfortable. Simple as that. I've never given my boyfriend reason to doubt and everything is transparent. That is me and that is how I hope my partner to be.
Yes, HE CAN go and meet her and HE CAN do whatever he wants. But HE CAN ALSO be mindful of his mistakes in the past and prioritize my feelings which I have the right to have.
When I say I'm fine with them being friends, I was REALLY FINE. She was calling him every day for a whole year! And yes, I had a problem with it when I saw his shadiness... there were other things that happened which caused me to ask him to cut contact... I just didn't elaborate on them here.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 November 2018):
 Do you trust him to not cross the line of friendship?
Just because SHE wanted to get back together doesn't mean HE did.
You are being a tad controlling IMHO.
I get that he shouldn't have been talking to her after he found out she was still hoping to get back together, he should have NIPPED that in the bud and he SHOULD have told her he is seeing someone new, she probably wouldn't have made a fool out of herself in trying to pursue him, if she had known.
You weren't "perfectly fine" with him talking to the ex, but you just didn't have a reason to shut it down. At least in the beginning. Just be honest here.
WHO cares if she dated a LOT OF different people? She was single and it's really none of your beeswax.
I think the more you try and CONTROL this the more he will WANT to see her and WANT to push back from you trying to take control.
You also set him up for failure, OP which I find a bit.. immature. " I secretly hoped his response was that he would try to avoid that shopping outlet."
If he is OVER her, having a cup of coffee is not going to change things. After all you claimed to be OK with him being "friends" with an ex when you started dating him.
So, here is the crux. He is going to do whatever HE wants to do. YOU have to decide if this is a deal breaker or not.
Maybe, instead of all this DRAMA over things that hasn't even HAPPENED yet, YOU go with him and met her for coffee and you behave lovely and civil. It's a nice and simple way to "make your territory".
You are in your 30's... act like it.
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