A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:So, like my previous posts, this is again about my brother. My brother has Asperger's syndrome. I've learned to accept that he is and probably forever will be socially awkward. But I can't come to accept how lazy he is. As the older sister, you would expect me to have the most chores and things to do to help out. He's 11 years old and just a few years younger than I am. But he has to do NOTHING. He literally sits in bed all day with his tv on playing on his iPad or on his Xbox or playing on the wii. Me? Cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. I run around our house trying to finish one chore when "clean the bathroom!" or "clean the dishes!" and even "clean your brothers room!" I rarely get any me time. I understand that he has a disability and can't do AS much as me, but that is no excuse that he can't keep hid own room tidy (save me an extra 2-3 hours of work....). He lives like a pig. He spills stuff everywhere. He never eats with utensils, no matter how fancy the resturaunt. It's so embarrassing when I have a friend over. I hate having them look at the mess my bother has made. What the heck is he gonna do when he gets older and has to support a family of his own? Leave it to my parents and I to come over and clean his house for him? No! I've talked to my parents about his laziness and how sloppy and inconsiderate he is. What do they do? Blame it on the autism. It seems that everything he does, no matter how severe is just blamed on the autism. Heck! If I could live his life and he could live mine I'm sure he would be writing this post to! Ha! I'd give anything to live without a care like him! Where the only thing to worry about is "building a house so you can stay away from the creepers and zombehs (Yes, he says 'zombehs' and 'omg' and 'lol'...) in minecraft! " Ugh he's so lucky. Any HELPFUL advice guys? Thanks:) Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 May 2013):
 Sadly there is not much you can do but your parents are wrong.
I have a child who has PDD-NOS and ADHD and other issues. He still can manage to bathe, and clean his apartment (he is now in a group home and shares with others) and he knows how to use utensils and eat with his mouth closed because it was demanded of him as a child.
Aspergers folks are NOT disabled in terms of physical aspects of their life or mental acuity, basically they are clueless about social interaction. I am sure ha there been an Aspergers diagnosis when I was a kid I would have had it. I have SEVERE ADHD and it's ALWAYS negatively impacted on my life.
Sadly your parents don't get that your brother will achieve WHAT they expect of him to the best of his ability.
Now how many chores were you doing at 11?
In addition, cleaning up after yourself is one thing. "clean your brother's room" would be met by me with "why"
and their answer will be "he can't" and I would say
"why can't he?"
"he has aspergers"
"are his legs and arms not working because of the Aspergers"
"no you know better than that now do it"
"WHAT is it about his ASPERGERS that makes him unable to clean up his own mess and be responsible for his own mess and have chores like I did at 11?"
It will be very interesting to me to hear what your parents use as an excuse as to why your 11 year old brother is not being held to the same standards as you were at 11.
BTW there is a big difference between 11 and 13 so when you do compare compare your 11 yr old chores to his....
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (29 May 2013):
 You are learning fast Anonymous how parents do enable their children to remain lazy and disabled etc. even without Asperger’s Syndrome. Some Parents don’t bother to correct or teach their children good behavioural routines like cleaning up their room, let alone use utensils. It’s like it’s too much effort and besides he’s disabled what could he possibly learn? Let’s just keep him isolated and numb with TV in his bedroom etc? That of course makes your little brother even more disabled and weak to survive in the real world! Although he did not ask to be born with this Syndrome, he has it and needs to be valued as a family member and taught like the rest of us. His learning obviously will and can take longer and needs a different approach and attitude. It’s not your responsibility to carry this out, but for your Parents! They need to develop his capabilities, prepare him, and teach him basic skills! It’s do-able but hard in some cases. (I am familiar with this condition.)As a Big Sister you are doing a great job and you think outside the square in how this is all going to affect him when he grows up. But for now, try not to get too embarrassed about having friends over; you’re not to blame for his mess as I’m sure they’d understand the situation.Plus don’t think of swapping your life for his either, it certainly no picnic!? Just hang in there and be supportive and try not to become guilty in later life when you see him as an Adult still living like a pig and playing with his Xbox etc. As you did not do this to him, the consequences fall on your Parents!Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2013): It is time to suggest to your parents that allowance should be given based on the household chores completed. Autism is no excuse to be lazy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2013): "I've talked to my parents about his laziness and how sloppy and inconsiderate he is. What do they do? Blame it on the autism."As a person diagnosed with Asperger's at age 40, I can tell you that your parents are doing your brother no favors by enabling his laziness, and if YOU are expected to keep HIS room clean that is totally unfair to you. Unfortunately not much you can do, as parents have all the power, even when they misuse it.As difficult as it may seem, don't blame your brother for taking advantage of your parents' coddling. As you stated, if your roles were reversed then he'd be the one posting. "What the heck is he gonna do when he gets older and has to support a family of his own?"Very unlikely he'll be able to successfully navigate dating or relationships in order to be in a position to have a family of his own, and given your parents' benign irresponsibility, very unlikely he'll acquire the skills needed to function independently after they're gone, meaning he will probably end up on some sort of government assistance with you playing the role of surrogate parent.Unfortunately as a minor sibling, there's not much you can do. Your parents have the final say even if they are misguided as they are well-intentioned, and most autism family support groups are geared toward parents. All I can suggest is that you research autism/Asperger's support groups in your area or online and see if anyone offers services for neurotypical siblings, or perhaps you can even take the initiative of starting up such a group or forum as there are probably lots of young people in your situation, facing even greater difficulties due to ineffectual parents.As you and your brother get older and approach adulthood, he is going to need your help in navigating the social minefield that is the real world, but you'll also discover he can also be a valuable asset and ally in your life. Don't let your resentment of your parents coddling (completely justified) turn into resentment against him. If your parents remain clueless and oblivious, you need to realize and expect that your brother will be depending on you more and more. "Ugh he's so lucky."No, he's not. It may seem so now, but believe me he will suffer prejudice and discrimination and stereotyping beyond your ability to comprehend at your stage in life, and the worst part is that the worst of it will likely come from clueless do-gooders who are "only trying to help."Best thing you can do is let him know you're in his corner and will always be there for him, and he will return your loyalty and support in spades. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
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