A
female
age
36-40,
*nsparks
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating about 2.5 years. We have a house together that we bought about a year ago. I have been ready for marriage since about our 2 year mark. I started discussing this with him a couple months ago.I know many people say you should not discuss it or pressure him but I Completely Disagree!Why is it acceptable for a man to not make a decision on a life partner but not acceptable for a woman to express her wants and concerns about their future???I have told my boyfriend that I cannot continue to wait like this and eventually I will leave. Why is this frowned upon??? I feel it is totally one sided for a woman to have to wait day after day after day without expressing her desires for her future! Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (25 December 2010):
 What youre saying is frownef upon because you are giving the impression that you are more interested in a wedding than a relationship.
Marriage is a mutual decision, not a man "choosing a wife".
Mwn get the shitty end of the deal, no wonder less people are getting married these days.
A
male
reader, Illithid +, writes (24 December 2010):
 I dated a girl who talked with me openly and we discussed it evenly. It was never my responsibility. WE talked about OUR future. The only reason the I was the one to officially propose was for tradition sake (though she helped soften up her father before I asked for his blessing).
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A
male
reader, slimfish  +, writes (24 December 2010):
 whats wrong is for ONE person to make the decision to get married without the full co-operation of the other.
you need to both sit down and LISTEN to the other person.
it took 4years before i was ready so i understand this issue.
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A
female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (24 December 2010):
 I don't think what you're asking your boyfriend is unreasonable. And I also don't feel that in today's society women are frowned upon for brining up the subject of marriage. However, I do feel they're frown upon for staying in a relationship too long knowing that the man has no intention of marriage. That I feel is a waste of time, as well as her youth. Many women give up all their youth, and send many,many years with a man that they know never had no intention whatsoever on making HER his wife, later to leave that relationship, and get married within months. That happens. So with all that being said, I applaud you for taking a stand and control over your life's direction. For those who don't want marriage that's fine too,then say that up front so, the other person knows to move-on.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (24 December 2010):
 Talking about it is fine. There's nothing "wrong" with wanting to plan for it or discuss it, nor is there any tradition where the woman just keeps quiet until the guy pops the question. Talking about it is acceptable in most ways. Actually, I think it's good you're focussed on your future.
The reason people tell you not to bring it up is because it's a good way to scare a guy off - it's practicality at work. Modern marriage is a rotten deal for the guy, and we're rightly jumpy about it. Women who talk about it can't seem to help but pressure the guy. Phrases like "wasting her youth," or threats like leaving without a decision, all make the guy think the woman is more concerned with *getting* married than with *being* married.
As it is, you live in the U.S., every state has no-fault divorce. There's no such thing as commitment anymore. Because of that, he may not see any reason to get married - to him, it's just accepting the risk of divorce without gaining anything. For all you know, he's decided he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, and just doesn't see the need for a piece of paper that says so.
If you want him to marry you, you need to come up with a list of reasons why marriage benefits him, and not a reason he somehow "owes" it to you. Anything else will only scare him off, leaving you to start over.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): It's ok as far as I'm concerned for a woman to discuss this, in fact it is essential to find out if you're on the same page.
You should leave if he does not want to marry you. You don't want to waste any more time with him if he doesn't want the same things.
It may be painful but it is better to find out now what he really wants.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): I think people should be able to express how they feel regardless of gender. I also think that a woman shouldn't be looked down on when she knows what she wants and goes for it. Unfortunately, in some societies/cultures, and sometimes even in our own seemingly progressive society, there is a double standard. But it shouldn't matter that you are a woman and you are taking the initiative in a relationship. That being said, there are just two caveats. First, some people may not like it. In the same way they can't change you, you can't change them. Maybe one day there will be real equality between the sexes, but for now, you may run into a man who won't like it, and if so, this is not the right man for you. If there are people who are judging you for this, then these are not your friends and their opinion on this shouldn't matter.And second...well. It's one thing to be assertive, confident, and take the initiative. For that, more power to you. BUT it's an entirely different thing to be putting pressure on people and giving them ultimatums. I'm not sure if you are distinguishing between the two. But be assertive and voice what you'd like. But don't be surprised if people don't react very well to threats. In general, people don't like extra stress and pressure in their lives. If your partner absolutely doesn't want to get married, and you absolutely do, then be prepared to walk away with no regrets. You can't change his mind no matter how hard you pressure him. If you get a negative reaction, it has nothing to do with the fact you are a woman. Pressure is pressure coming from anyone. Good luck!
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