A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:After 1 year me and my soon to be wife ( less than 3 months away from the wedding) fight all the time. Now before I get into this way to deep understand what I am about to post most will not. When we fight I become very aggressive to her to the point I react by hitting or gabbing her. Now understand we love each other. When things are good man there great but we have our down falls. My question to everyone is why cant I stop? Why cant we stop? How can 2 people love each other but hurt each other so much at the same time? We have gone to therapy for this but with no end result. Yes I have a problem and I need help. I don't need people bashing me or calling me a woman beater I need help. I need a outsider to show me that what I do isn't okay but still understand this can be fixed and we will okay. Maybe in a small way I need someone to tell me they have been down this road too and can help or they have made it in there relationship.
View related questions:
wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (19 June 2011):
 I am going to echo Cerberus's sentiments in stating the obvious: physical / abusive action is not a healthy way to argue.
Has this been a consistent pattern in your life? If so, I think you really need to postpone your wedding and get help (counseling). Generally, physical abusive (hitting / grabbing) tends to get progressively worse and the results of such a relationship are ugly at best. If you choose to have kids, will have they have to witness the way you resolve arguments (and children you witness spousal abuse are more likely to consider it the norm and carry it forward into their relationships)? Believe me, married life doesn't get any easier. A counselor would be able to give you the tools to deal with heated anger.
If this is something new, I think you really need to consider whether the woman you are about to marry is truly compatible with you. If you are making each other angry enough where you are physically hurting one another, indicates that you have problems resolving issues. It is normal to have arguments / disagreements but what is not normal is physical violence. Yeah, you may love one another, but if you don't have problem solving abilities your relationship will be doomed from the start.
I think you've taken the first step to realizing there is a problem. The second part will take even more courage: getting professional help. Either by yourself or as a couple. It sounds like you need to work on your anger and how you deal with conflicts with another one (I am sure she has her faults in dealing with conflict as well). Only a professional will be able to guide you.
In the meantime, I also suggest you at least temporarily postpone the wedding to make sure you are right for one another. Divorce court can be quite costly.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (19 June 2011):
 You need ways to deal with anger. You've already taken a step in the right direction in admitting your faults. You are right in saying most others wouldn't admit it, they would continue down that path regardless of who they crush. I suggest you start with professional help, it will help a lot. It isn't impossible to stop, not at all impossible. If you have the will to stop then you most certainly have a way. You need to focus on your actions when you feel that urge rushing toward you, you need to tell yourself to stop. Don't try to supress your anger, that will only make it worse, redirect it instead through something useful. Exercise perhaps.
What you do is most certainly not okay. To hurt someone like that, in every strike, you tear away a little more of the bond you share until one day she will either be strong enough to leave or too shattered to try. Every time you hurt her like that, your love fades away. A single hurtful strike inflicts more pain than others think it does. Remember that the next time your arguments escalate, perhaps you can calm yourself down before it gets too bad. Don't avoid talking about things but steer clear of heated arguments.
I hope that helps.
...............................
|
