A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello all. I need some point of views from the ladies to really understand my girlfriend. We are constantly at each others throats...Here is the topic and I want to get everyone's point of view on the matter.Why is it that women, more often than men, still have "friendships" with their ex boyfriends? Not only that but if you question it, or tell them it makes you feel uncomfortable, you are automatically deemed either a. jealous or b. insecure?My girlfriend still talks to, and receives calls from her two previous ex boyfriends. The first one cheated on her with a 15 year old girl and got that girl pregnant. But he still calls her very often.The second one just broke up with her after they were together for 1 1/2 years because they "grew apart". But started dating another girl after only 2 weeks.It seems that when we argue about this she is ok with not talking to the first one. but she says the second one was best friends with her growing up. (she is from a really small town.) However, I know that she had really strong feelings for the second one. She thought they would end up married, etc...and i know that just a couple of months before we started dating she still sent him emails telling him she still had feelings for him and couldn't stop thinking of him. This is a year after they had split up. I am a federal agent that deals with immigration. And I get tasked with sending people that enter the country illegally back to their home countries. My heritage is hispanic. My ancestors come from Mexico. And on occasion I have to send people back to Mexico. Her second ex boyfriend made fun of this. He said, "Wait, his ancestry is from mexico and he is sending people back to mexico?" And he laughed. So he was making fun of my career and me. When i got upset about this she said, "oh, he didn't mean it like that..."she defended him and said i was taking things too seriously. It seems she does that a lot with this guy. Also, with the first ex she called me over one night and had me listen to the kind of conversation they had just so I could see how innocent it was and that she wasn't hiding anything. I appreciated this. But she has never done that with the second. As a matter of fact she rarely answers the phone when I am there and it's her second ex. She usually talks to him when I'm not around.But when I call her, she is sometimes on the phone with him. Granted she always says, "hold on a sec, let me hang up with ex #2." And she hangs up with him and talks to me. So, I'm trying to understand where the need to keep in contact with old flames comes from? I have never kept in touch with ex lovers. First, because I don't think you can reach a stage a friendship and only friendship after you have experienced making love with that person. You will always remember what it was like and that isn't fair to your new partner. I understand a good person will never act on those thoughts or impulses but I believe you are putting yourself in a dangerous situation all the same. If you sit back and take an honest look, at some point you both still think about it. Maybe, "remember when we were all hanging out at that concert?" and after the concert you all had an awesome sex night. You don't say it but you both think it. Or maybe you don't but I guarantee you the guy is. Is that fair to your current lover?I know this because I have tried staying friends with old flames but I either always think that or she does. which is why I don't do it any more. We are supposed to move in together soon, but I don't know if she is as into the relationship as I am. I thought the whole point of being in love is to love each other fully. I will do anything to make her feel completely loved, secure, and safe in our relationship. I mean, anything. And I just feel she isn't ready to do that for me. Her ex boyfriends live thousands of miles away from her now. And shouldn't she be willing to do this for me?Anyone's thoughts on the matter are appreciated. I am going to make a decision on our relationship soon so I want to know what the majority of people think. Even if it is totally ok for her to be doing this, it isn't something that I can deal with or think I should have to deal with it. Especially if I am not putting her through it. Thanks!
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best friend, broke up, her ex, insecure, jealous, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): To the first reply, anonymous, thank you so much for your thoughts.. really helped with something I am going through.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (17 February 2010):
 First you are wrong.. unless you've done a piece of mass scale research, you have no idea if it's men or women who prefer to keep in touch with their ex partners. Check on Dear Cupid, we've probably got more women than men who hate freindships between ex partners.
Two, your gonna leave your girlfriend because of what people say about their own experiences. I suggest you leave her anyway, that isn't love. Other people shouldn't have a hold on your life so much.
Three, there dosen't seem to be anything this girl is doing wrong. She's talking to her friends, you don't accuse her off cheating, you just don't like to be reminded she has had a past without you. That's your choice, leave her then, and find a woman who thinks like you and prefers no contact with people she used to love.
Four, your angry cause her friend made a joke. He wasn't insulting you or putting you, your heritage or your job down. But then I'm british and we have a funny sense of humour and laugh at all types of things.
I don't think it's a problem with her ex partners, you just seem so different from this woman, that's why I don't think you and her are suited. Even if she gets rid of the ex partners, I have a feeling you still won't be happy. This woman just isn't right for you.
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A
male
reader, Psychology101 +, writes (17 February 2010):
Women are more emotinally attached
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): When I first started dating my now wife (just married!) I had a similar dilemma and was feeling a bit hmm uneasy about her talking to several of her ex boyfriends. I'm a pretty confident guy and have never had any problems with jealousy so the feeling was quite new for me.
In many ways I can understand why they would want to remain friends with her, she is amazing after all, but on the other hand I suppose you can never really trust their motives - I know they would all cut of their right hand to have another chance with her.
In the end I just told her it made me uneasy. She pointed out that she can't help what other men may fantasise about and that some of these guys were dear friends of hers BUT (and this made all the difference in the world) if I was upset or uneasy about the whole thing she'd cut contact with every last one of them.
I think just having her say that made it a lot less threatening and I honestly just stopped caring about it.
There were however a few differences that I should point out:
- My wife has never been dumped in her life, knowing that she didn't want them then and that she was always the one to leave ensures that there are no feelings left (not on her part at least)
- The guys she dated were all very civil and friendly. When they called they always asked about me and our wedding plans. I even spoke to one of them who wanted to know if it would be inappropriate if he sent a gift to the wedding.
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