A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Dear all, I have a question to ask. Sorry this is so long but I had to get it off my chest because I am very upset about it. When I was young, everyone knew that blokes would buy the odd Mayfair and a right of passage it seems would be your Mum finding it under the mattress and having a serious chat. Now I find myself living in a world where it seems, although I may be wrong, that accessing Internet pornography is seen as just as normal as watching football. Us, girlfriends, partners and wives are being sold the idea that this is just guy stuff and being told that to be “cool” we have to be OK about it. In fact, we are being told that we are unreasonable not to accept it.Yet, I did an experiment once and accessed all sorts of stuff about large cocks, sexy men for women and all and left my trail on my PC on purpose. My partner, who I know does access cyber-sex was so upset. He REALLY hated it, it made him feel less of a man, insecure and just plain terrible. He kept going on about his small penis (which isn’t) and how he was sorry it was not enough for me.If that is the case, why do we have to put up and shut up, be treated differently from them? What is going on here?I know lots of men take sex in foreign countries, using massage parlours, experimenting in Amsterdam or Thailand. These can be “normal” men who would otherwise be at home with their families, probably love their wives etc. I just can not equate being respectful of women with this at all. Nobody seems to think about what goes on behind the industry. Men would not like to find their wife or daughter behind that door in the massage parlour. I can’t see it being recommended at college as a career option. The presented glamour often has terrible reality behind it. Drug addiction, people coming from broken homes, economic slavery, lack of self belief, spoiled lives. Anyone interested should look at www.throughtheflame.com to see some real home truths.Yet men can divorce themselves from all of that. I hear some men say that these women do it for economic purposes, a supply and demand situation. Oldest profession in the world etc. Whenever I have asked whether they would accept a daughter in that industry, or their wife, they react with horror. Yet that woman that they have bought sex from is someone’s daughter, maybe someone’s mother. How can what they would like for their own, get compartmentalised like this? Do none of them think about it, or do they regard some women as part off a sub-species? As you know Jewish people were dehumanised. I don’t think I am being too alarmist when I say that I think the unending access to internet sex is causing a strange layering of men’s ability to respect us and it is causing some women in our society to become dehumanised. At the same time women are being brainwashed to accept the situation and as I said, being asked to overlook it or face being accused of being unreasonable.I some home and find the house locked, my partner has been on the internet for hours and I know he has been dribbling over and jacking off over other women and young girls. Every one of them much better looking than me. In every way I know he loves me hugely, he is kind, perhaps over-kind to make up for it, he loves me and my son, he is a great man in every other respect. Now he wants me to marry him and I love him but I know that I can’t live with this. He does not know that I know and I am so very sad. I don’t know what to do and how to process this pain. Can you tell me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, DV1  +, writes (23 May 2007):
 There are a lot of reasons behind this. Guys have a higher sex drive, so it's expected that they would need to look at porn all the time. Women supposedly have either a really high sex drive, or none at all, and are the greater percentage of people in porn, therefore causing the audience to be largely consisted of male viewers. That's why it's odd seeing women watching porn. What's becoming more accepted is couples using porn to improve their sex lives.
If you're not satisfying his needs, the first place that he's going to turn to is porn. Part of any relationship is fully satisfying your partner. If he's satisfied, he's probably going to stop watching porn. Do yourself a favor and overthink it. Communicate your concerns to him. If he loves you, he'll make a sacrifice for you. If he does so, you need to willing to satisfy his needs as well. If he's making it clear that he has every intention of marrying you, then take that at face value. He loves you.
DV1
A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (23 May 2007):
 I completely understand what you are saying here as I lived with the same scenario for years with my ex.
He used to buy his porn mags in brown paper bags and yes I would come across them from time to time but nearly 20 years in a relationship, there are only so many hiding places.
Anyway, with the introduction of the internet you are right it is so easy to access everything and anything. Men seem to think it is their right and their right alone that they can view however many women they want to and see more and more depraved images that they want but for a woman to do the same thing is just not on.
It should be what's right for one is fine for the other but deep down a lot of men who view the porn are very selfish in as much as it is their little escapism and to find out that their gf, partner or wife can do the same as them it then invades this hidden world of theirs.
Yes men do think of sex a lot more than women and yes it is natural for a man to mastibate in the same way women want to but the internet has opened up a world which leaves the normal day to day world outside and reality goes out the window.
If your partner wants to marry you then you have to be honest with him and tell him how upset you are about the porn and the internet.
You say he is not aware that you know but there is no other way than to discuss it with him.
If you love one another then you have to be honest and upfront and if it bothers you this much now, marrying him without telling him is a big mistake right now.
If your partner tells you that no matter what he will continue to look and there is nothing you can do about it then he is not taking into account your feelings and is probably not the right guy for you.
On the other hand if he is mortified and tells you he will do whatever it takes to make things work then perhaps going to Relate who can refer you to a sexual therapist if they feel there is a need could be the extra assistance you need to get everything out into the open with an unbiased go between.
Don't make yourself ill with worry over this get things out in the open and start to enjoy your life again which ever way it goes as living like this is just not fair on yourself or your son and your partner is in the dark right now.
Best of luck and let us know how you get on eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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