A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is something that I cant shake . I can not seem to meet a girl of which I both find attractive and also get on with. I tend to meet a girl now and then and maybe think this one is one I like , but then something will put me off and I will loose interest . we are talking one date here and I find things out that put me off them. It has got to the state where I hardly bother just because I struggle to find girls I fancy and get along with. I cant describe sometimes if I am talking to girl I feel that if I call her beautiful I am lying to her and can not do it .I have met one girl in 3 years who I actually got one with and felt she was gorgeous but we was just mates.Also I am not able just to go and have sex with a girl as I actually like to like them and so that doesn't help lolI don't know I seem to putting up barriers my self in some ways , also my hobbies do not evolve many people and so limit me to meeting women. I feel if it goes any longer I will just loose more interest and forever give up.thanks Reply to this Question
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (27 January 2015):
This is something a lot of people struggle with, because we have the luxury to sit back and think about what we want from a relationship and with it, our romantic partner. And if you hold off for a long time, searching for a better person, or basically just someone who fits you better, your standards can become really, really high.
I've had that problem myself. The solution to it, I've found, is to basically treat dating like you would making friends. You don't give up on friends when the novelty of getting to know them wears off, you don't have high standards for their looks because it's not important and you'd drive over their place with pizza at 4am if that would make them happy.
A relationship is the same. The only extra layer added to it is sexual attraction. But for some reason people look for romantic partners the way they shop for cars. They have a list of requirements and if the interest wears off, they'll just get a new one. But if you want to build something meaningful with someone, that attitude will make sure that'll never happen.
If you want happiness with a girl, you need to start giving them a real chance.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 January 2015):
 The problem lies with you. Not that I am an expert in the area, but through observation I have seen that those who are open to love, generally accepting of people, and who see "beauty within" often have a very easy time finding people to love and be loved by. You know the sort of people Im talking about, right? The ones who seem to have friends everywhere, and who get along with people so easily. The social butterflies, but also the generally friendly ones who might not look stunning in any particular way, but who have that warm and including smile. Those people, they don't have trouble finding someone they like at all, and people have no trouble liking them either.
But then you have the other ones, the specific ones who have high standards. Usually these people have very limited experience with relationships. I think it's a problem that creates itself and goes in a loop. The high standards make it impossible to find/accept a partner. The inexperience makes them hold on to these (often ridiculous) standards as well, as it is a self fulfilling prophesy.
After ONE DATE, how can you say the other person is beautiful, or not beautiful? It takes more time to get to know a person and discover who they are, discover if they are beautiful or not. You are dismissing women on some weird ground, you have the standard set at: must amazing me and dazzle me and make me breathless on the FIRST DATE.
Well, no body, except maybe these social butterflies mentioned above, have the ability to do that. Normal human beings take time to open up, and the trick to figure out whether you should go on another date and explore them some more, doesn't lie in how breathtakingly amazing they are on the first date, but in the small things. These small signs you learn to pay attention to with experience, and as I said, without experience you maintain (or worse, increase) this extreme standard.
Let me ask you what you want? Do you want love? Someone you love and who loves you back and who you find beautiful?
Or do you want someone who takes your breath away on the first date?
Be very aware that those who do NOT take your breath away on the first date, or even third, might still be the ones who hold the key to your heart. Dazzling you on the first date only means they are charmers with seductive skills, nothing more. It says nothing about compatibility, or beauty, or possible love in the future. Do NOT confuse charm with love, or even attraction.
I will give you a small list now, examples of the little things to pay attention to on a date that ACTUALLY mean if this is a catch or not.
She holds eye contact.
Smiles at you.
Pays attention to what you say and follow up with relevant questions.
Compliments you.
Walks BESIDE you (oddly enough I have been on several dates where the other person walked faster than me and just walked away, lol, body language says a lot!)
Shares about herself, personal things.
Talks about the future, what she wants in life, ambitions, and goals that include a partner (shows she's not egoistic and wants to share her life with someone, perhaps you)
Offers to pay her share of the bill.
Has suggestions for what to do on the next date (shows creativity and interest).
Talks about her passions (passionless people will end up boring you long term).
Is appropriate in conduct (this means talks polite to others, has good manners, and also is respectful to boundaries/doesn't get too intimate too soon).
I hope you understand some of what Im getting at. It's hard to pinpoint all the little things, but whether you find her beautiful or not on the first date is NOT one of the little things to pay attention to. Beauty is something that will be revealed to you as you get to know another person, not something that will stun you on the first date. True beauty reveals itself over time.
Oh, and the most important little things to look for, and if you find this you have a true gem with you: the sparkle in the eye. If she's got the sparkle in the eye, hold on to her! It will be worth your time.
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