A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Thought id message in as id heard about this site, feel confused about lots of things so just wanted to see some other peoples opinion on this.Basically i am worrying about the future as i am coming up to 35 years of age and really hoped by now that i would be settled with a nice family life. Bascially relationship wise i think i have been a bit unlucky, ive always had long term relationships, then they have either cheated on me etc along those lines and a bit from my part in the earlier years the decent ones i did meet unfortuantley i wasnt ready to settle down. The last long term one after a few years of being with him who id planned on staying with and building a family with, he deceided to tell me that hed been fighting an on going battle all of his life with his gender. Ie thiking hes a woman. I was so disappointed, devasted, and the rest. I managed to get over the fact that he had kept this from me, but then understood his reasons, ie suppression etc. So we tried to work through it, for about 12 months, ie by me accepting him dressing in female clothing, but it went from only every now and again, to him wanting to do it more and more, and also resenting me for the woman that i am. Then when he could not guarentee me that he would never want to transition, and it making me so unwell, i knew i had to walk away. We are good friends still now and he would do anything to get back with me as i think it was a shock i could walk away because he knew how much i loved him so thought i never would. He says he would never go down the road again of behaving in the way he did, and he has to learn to live with these feelings he has, and says to me why not have children with him now and make a go of it. Then i remeber how he resented me, and bad mood swings he had, and how i tried to look scruffy because i knew he wanted to wear what i was wearing, so then i think, could be a bad decision going back. Anyway, i then met someone that is alot older than me he is 50 years of age, everything is there with him, ie chemistry wise and feelings wise, however, i know he doesnt want children because he has already been there and done that, and also if he did have them hes not a good father as he struggles to get through day to day and to look after himself. the other thing, if i ever needed him urgently the chances are he probably would not be there, hes unreliable and he likes his drink! so even though feelings wise, it is all there for him, i worry for the future if i stay with him. Also i think if i pressed on about me wanting a child, he would give me one, but i feel the future would not be stable, then also do you think the age gap is a problem? So i keep my eyes open looking to see if i can find stability else where, and people i meet, i just cant seem to have any feelings in that way for them other than friendship, i have lots of male friends and non of them really want to remain friends as they would like to be with me in a relationship, one of which is an ex of mine, and he has also had a bad run of relationships and he also wants a family too and he keeps on saying, why not lets get back together and give it another go. Also, i will say he hasnt any issues and is quite grounded, and just a normal guy. The problem is the thought of being intermate with him now, i just cant see....and is not a nice thought. I am worrying as time is ticking on now and soon i will miss the chance of having a family. I could keep waiting hopeing someone will come along that gives me them feelings as i feel with the 50 year old, but it doesnt happen. I will add i am a very happy person within myself, dont need alot to make me happy. In fact i dont feel i need to really be with anyone, but i worry in the future, when my parents are no longer around who will be there for me when i need them, wouldnt be nice to be on your own with no family.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2015): You seem a little all over the place. You don't need to worry about your age, you could still reach 40 and then have children. You need to work on yourself, start internet dating and meet new people, don't rush into relationships and end it with the 50 year old. It's going to be tough but you can get there.
Remember, the more you work on yourself the more attractive you will be to the opposite sex.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2015): Thankyou for your replies, this is the problem though i have laways gone though my life not worrying about my futue. When things havent worked out, i have just thought, oh well, wasnt meant to be something better will be waiting when the time is right. I think its mainly my mum that has started to worry me and got me thinking more. She keeps saying she wishes i was settled with a family of my own and soon i will be 35 and will miss the chance of having children, and soon i wont have the energy for them. She doesnt agree with the 50 year old, she dhes think he is too old for me, but says thats not the main problem just just thinks hes a waste of space. He doesnt really go out his way for me as such. I know he thinks alot of me and says he feels bad sometimes as i have the rough end of the deal with him. He was accused of something years ago now that he did not do, and this has effected him in the future so he always tells me he is damaged goods really and he feels bad sometimes because he can see that i am looking at the world though young eyes and can see my enthusisam in things that he just hasnt got. You cant demand too much from him because he cant seem to cope with things. For eg, i have bought my own house, his main job is actually and electrican, he has started my electrics but lots need to be finished off and he doesnt make the effort to finish it. This is when my mum says if he thought alot of you, he would be wanting to help and get them done, then i think well, you would expect that to be the case wouldnt you. If i were to stay with him, id have to just accept that he wont always be there when i need him and not to demand too much from him as he cant cope with stress. But because my feelings are all there for him, should i just accept it for what it is and stay with him and not expect more? The i think the guy with the gender issues would always be there fore me, yet he will always resent me wont he for the fact that im a woman, even though he doesnt mean to. If i said to the 50 year old i do want a child he would, but i know hed be concerned, then also how much would he help, or in fact how much could he handle, or do i take the gamble with him. Or because i know that future wise stability security and feeling safe, is not something he is going to give me, shouold that enough to be ending it and meeting someone else?Ps also re internet dating, i did go on 2 dates only, really nice guys, not my cup of tea at all, one seemed too desperate. and the other i could just find any attraction there. But generally speaking everyone else i meet is through gigs i do as im a musician and a singer, also i love a very active gym life as well, i am the gym 3 4 times a week, so plenty of oppotrunity. But this is the thing, ive tried getting to know people and thought ill give it a try, but all the men i meet i just find i want them for friendship, maybe this could be because my feelings are with the 50 year old. I keep hopeing that someone will come along, and make me feel that way and think you know what, gonna give it a go with this one, but it doesnt happen....
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A
female
reader, Flower89  +, writes (27 January 2015):
 OK first of all your on in your 30s,
I don't know how helpful but I can give you my mothers example, my mum got married young and had me. My bio father was a bit of a scumbag and cheated and left us. I remember my mum been broken by that and prob felt how you do now that the right guy wouldn't come along. However my mum meet my step Dad at 39, got married and had my little sisters, in their 40s! They are still happy together and he is a fantastic step father to me. If you asked my mum would that ever happen to her after my Dad left she wouldn't have believed you.
I hope telling you this gives you a bit of hope and not to give up you don't know what's round the corner.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt +, writes (27 January 2015):
 WiseOwlE has it right on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2015): It's good to change focus. Plan and prepare for the future financially, career-wise, and to see to your personal security and general well-being.
Too often, people look way too far into the future through pessimistic eyes; which always presents a dreary forecast.
That creates a self-defeatist attitude, which makes you overlook every small blessing that does come your way. Always focusing on the negative, naturally that's all you'll ever see. Do you look out the window in the morning to see if the suns out, or if there's rain? Well, even if there's rain; it has nothing to do with whether you can be nice to people, and smile on your way to work. If you look out the window, and sigh; because you don't see the sun. So you'll ignore people. Carrying a snide and bitter attitude. The guy who might have given you his seat on the bus, or smiled and said good morning; will see a frown and mean expression, and change his mind. I say good morning and treat people with pleasantries regardless. I make my day better by having the right attitude to start with. It takes practice, because sometimes you want to slap the first person who crosses your path in traffic, or run over an old lady who decides to wobble across the street when the light changes to go.
Is our world coming to be a populous of doom and gloom, and people who never want to feel blessed and happy about anything? Can you predict what is going to happen at 10:36 pm tomorrow? Can you predict one incident? Let me answer that for you. NO!!! In fact, you don't know what might happen within the next hour. So you don't know if it will be good or bad. So, deal with it when it happens. Love is evasive and your love-life is not meant to be predictable.
Because of this, people resort to self-fulfilling prophecy by sabotaging relationships; so they don't have to suffer wondering "how will it end this time?" They pick the same kind of guy every-time, because he's "their type." Type?
Seriously?!!
You have bad taste in men. You settle based on your own low self-esteem, assuming that's what you deserve. You approach every male as if they're going to be your future-husband, instead of appreciating his company and just enjoying a date. Evaluate a man before you commit to him, and there will be fewer surprises down the road. Don't judge by written profiles. They're like tooth-paste ads. Always better than the other brands. Let him prove it.
If you're meeting most of the men you've been dating online, give that a freaking break. "Shopping" online has gone completely overboard. Now we shop for mates. Most people embellish their self-assessments in their profiles, as if they're talking about somebody else. They show all these action scenes of themselves skiing on slopes, posing in-front of waterfalls, and describing the dream-guy any woman would want. Then you meet an entirely different person. If they were all-that, why the hard-sell? Why haven't they been scooped up long ago? They're just ordinary people like everyone else; searching for a date or a mate. Or, do you read the sad-sack story, and go for the fixer-uppers? You fix yourself, not others.
Take your time and stop trying to beat the clock. Get to know men, immediately dump the bad apples; and even if he's a sweet peach, give it some time before you label him boyfriend. If you don't see a husband coming in the near future, then work on making yourself more suitable wife-material. There is always room for improvement, and it starts with a better attitude. Having a more optimistic outlook on life. You are still young, you are still healthy, you can earn yourself a living, and you are independent. Now enhance your best qualities; and you'll have a higher self-esteem and gain more confidence. You can choose among the cream of the crop. Reject the odd-balls without guilt. Don't date men out of pity. Trading weaknesses as your conversation on a date.
Date outside your town. Join cooking classes, take a foreign-language class, learn how to sew, go to the gym and workout. Take a class in carpentry and learn how to do your own handiwork as a future-homeowner. My boyfriend taught me how to lay floor-tile, even set mosaic tiles on the wall!
If you spend time improving yourself, expanding your horizons, and building your self-confidence; you will have a better outlook. You'll feel like you can handle whatever comes your way, even during the times you have to go it alone. Getting a man in your life hasn't really been a problem for you, it's the odd-ball choices you've made because you don't flee at the first sign you have a fruitcake on your hands. Don't stick around, bow out gracefully; and run like hell from the nearest exit.
You will kiss a few frogs, date a few escapees from an insane asylum, and you'll eventually find a great guy when you least expect to. That's what dating and courtship is for. To select and eject. You, many single-folk, and I myself; have persevered through all this so far. Go back and read your post, and take humor at some of it. We all have horror stories, my dear. Each person who touches our lives leaves something we can use as a lesson; or to add to our checklist of criteria, things we can eliminate or watch-out for. I'm sorry, I had to laugh; but not at you. I can tell you a few stories to curl your toes, but I can laugh at them now. I've learned from people here on DC.
Date short-term. Go out with a man for only a few weeks for nothing more than his company. If you don't have an agenda and you're not on a mission, in a race to the alter; you won't have that sense of urgency forcing you to form commitments with wacko-doodles.
Give the internet a break, and meet people at social events, where you may worship, take classes to learn a hobby or a new skill. Fill your time with productive things and your love-life will improve just from being visible and accessible to more interesting people looking for a mate. I met the greatest guy last April in the gardening center at our major home supply store. He approached me, I was just getting some cool stuff for my spring garden. He was shopping for a small home project he was doing for a client.
It's been great and steady. I wasn't even looking for a date. That's just how it happens sometimes.
As we say here in the States: "You've got to chill!" You don't know the future, so why are you so upset about what you don't have yet? You thought you'd have this and that by now? Well, the higher power in control of your fate has decided you need more work before you're ready. Choose optimism over cynicism, and pessimism. Just for a change.
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