A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi all. Your opinions would be welcome. I recently split with my bf of over a year due to many problems,and trust issues. He told me i deserve more,and that he isn.t good enough for me. We had an argument,and he said he was going through the motions. I was crying. He said it was for the best. Anyway, i was totally devasted,and missed him like mad. It was my birthday last wednesday,and i called him up for the usual lift to work. He was irritable. He hugged and kissed me when i got out of the car. I said, ok. Ring me. He said he doesn.t know,so i walked off. Then he texts me saying happy birthday,and to enjoy my day. I did not respond. Anyway,the next day he texts again saying good luck,and that he hopes i enjoy my show. (i.m a singer),and had a show that night. I did not respond. Is he trying to get back with me? Or what? I.m confused,as i want to respond,but don.t know what his agenda is? He sent the txt two days ago. I have not done anything,but still love him. What.s he playing at? Thanks. X
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Bond Girl. I am so angry!!!!! I'm SICK of being messed about. He alwasy ends up calling and treis to creep back into my life. I am satrting to hate this guy. It's like he is trying to play some sick sort of game with me, and is all over me, then disspears, and he hates it thta I dont call him much anymore, and keeps asking me where I have been, and why I he has not heard from me. WTF????????
A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (20 July 2012):
 Don't buy him anything and don't communicate with him. He is using you. Don't fall for it again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all, I have an update. He calmed down alot when I got back from holiday ,and was doing the right thing, but the moment I started showing an interest n him again eg: calling a bit he started f**king about again, and being really snappy with me. He was acting like he wanted a relationsip, then after I saw him on the staurday night as mentioned, he asked me to buy him something when I went shopping, I did and texted him to tell him i got it when I got baack and he had swictched his phone off for the rest of the afternoon and for the night!! F**k him ...he can go to hell. it;s not going to work, he is making me angry. I.m outta here....x
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (16 July 2012):
I think possibly what OldBag was saying is that you caved in by going out with him and letting him wine, dine, and try to romance you. She is telling you that you need to know what your real intention is. Is your intention to get back together? If it is, a serious and real talk is in order. Is your intention to permanently break up with him since you no longer have feelings for him? If that is the case, then why are you leading him on by letting him take you out? If you are numb and hardened to him, it is unfair to let him take you out, spend money on you, and let him think you might be getting back together at some point. You are playing games as you seem to get some satisfaction out of seeing him "frantic and desperate". Don't play games with people. Figure out what YOU are willing to do/not do then discuss it with him with some ultimatums. I think you do feel happy he is crawling back because if you are numb to him you would put an end to the relationship instead of messing around. I am not telling you what to do, I am telling you what I observe from your statements. If you haven't felt this happy in months and you feel like you have your old life back, why even speak to him again? Go no contact and forget about him. This is why I say you are playing games because you are waffling back and forth. On the one hand you say you are numb to him, you are hardened to him, you have never been happier, you have your old life back, but you still want to see what he is going to say next. That makes absolutely no sense. If you're better off without him, you are better off without him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Oldbaf, well as far as I am concerned, I have not caved in and am not 'back togther!! i feel surprisingly calm and cool about it all. My feelings have definetleyh changed for him. He was acting extremley relived and almost desperate. I stil love him but have hardened myself to him. I will speak to him somewhere quitely and find out. I feel more secure than ever whic is weird. Not because he came over, but because I have been through the worse of it, and come out of that dark tunnel of hurt , and can;t be hurt any furter. It;s werid how I feel so ok in myself. he obvsiously doens;t. I will talk to him next time and let you know hat happens. The good thing is, I have not felt this happy in MONTHS. Not bacuse he has come crawling bcak, but because I have crossed a bridge, and nothing else he can do can make it worse. I feel like I have almost got my life back.
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reader, oldbag +, writes (16 July 2012):
 Hey
If you don't want the break-up make up pattern to continue,if you want him back, then an adult conversation on neutral ground is neccessary. You need to solve the issues that lead to the break-up.
Anyone can bring flowers,food and wine and dish out compliments,you do that when somebodys ill or had a baby. If thats what you want then fine,but its not an ongoing thing and he could revert back to distant any day.
You love him, you enjoy his attention, so go somewhere quiet with him and talk.Not a pub,or your homes,no distractions,start making rules for both of you.
I take it you caved in and are back together now?
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (16 July 2012):
Plus, did you sit down and talk with him about all of the issues in your past relationship, or did you just let him shower you with food, wine, and compliments? Even if a relationship is still a possibility for you, you need to sit and discuss the issues.
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reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (16 July 2012):
You need to decide if he is just a diversion in your life or if you really want to be with him. Sometimes we are bored and don't want to be alone, and we allow anyone in our lives so we don't have to be alone and bored. Any guy can come back, shower you with food, wine, and compliments and win you back long enough to treat you badly again. My ex used to do this, and two days later was right back to doing what he'd always done. In fact, because I wanted it to work so badly, he had several chances before I got sick of his hot/cold nature and dumped him. In your original post it says you split with him due to many problems and trust issues. Does him showering you with compliments make amends for all of the problems he created? Plus, instead of promising he could "give you heaven", he should have had a more serious talk and told you that he knows you've had problems in the past, he knows he hasn't been really attentive, etc. The fact he told you he could "give you heaven" tells me that he hasn't thought about or processed what it means to have a mature relationship. Anyone who knows anything about real relationships knows they are not "heaven" and come complete with conflicts and issues that need to be worked out between two people. If you continue to be involved with him, I would be very careful.
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (16 July 2012):
 So does this mean you are now in a relationship and happy?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk Guys, I have an update. he came to see me on staurday and told me he loves me, and wnats us to get back together a,d was all lover me. I played cool as I have been doing for some time. he was all over me like a rash, and looked really sorry and told me he could ' Give me heaven' a number of times. I was freindly and calm... he also brought me rouind a load of nice food and wine. I accepted and he left looking a bit downcast and unsure of himself still. I realised my feelings has changed towards him a bit. i am no longer obsessed with him, but still love him, but it;s not the same kind of needy OTT love. What now??? Thanks :o)
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok Thanks for your answers. I am going to sit downa dn talk to him, and am not going to get used to the way things are or accept them. he knows that too. If he does not shape up , I will move on. x
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (10 July 2012):
I have to admit that I think both of you are now playing games. Is all you want is him to act all sad and dejected like he has done something wrong, then go back to his normal behavior? Or, do you want a real relationship? If you want a relationship, you need to stop pussy-footing around and ask him what his intentions are in the relationship. Be prepared for the answer because it may not be what you want to hear. This behavior you are both exhibiting will go on until the end of time if neither of you are serious about finding out the truth. Do yourself a favor and sit down and talk with him. Tell him the reason you did not answer his calls, that you are confused about him, and that you are looking for a serious relationship. If he isn't, you need to move on. You are just going to prolong your own confusion and sadness by doing what you are doing now. Basically, this is exactly what Aunty Em said and I agree with her whole-heartedly. Time to be mature, ask the hard questions, and do what is right.
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (10 July 2012):
Hi
Well there was no point ignoring his calls for a week only to rush over as soon as you got back. You may as well have just answered.He didnt ask to resume the relationship with you so all the other 'signs' mean zero.
Your not going to give up on him are you, so you may as well just get used to the way things are. He WILL meet somebody new one day,maybe soon and you will be left high n dry and won't hear from him again.As you are not in a relationship he owes you nothing and is free to do as he pleases. Take Care x
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (10 July 2012):
I think I'd be inclined to ask him outright,
'Are we in a relationship or not?'
He can worry all he likes, give you hugs and puppy dog eyes and all the smoke he can blow from his arse but it's still not telling you if you are with him or you arn't.
If you do ask him and he's still saying he doesn't know, or he isn't sure or he wants to be friends with benefits, well it's up to you if you want to continue to be a yo-yo for him.
Personally I am with bond girl on the whole staying friends after having an intimate relationship with someone. It works if both have moved on to other people, but where one still holds hopes and feelings (and it's usually the girl) and the other does not (usually the boy), it winds up that the girls just get used for sex or a time filler until he finds someone else.
Sorry to be so blunt, but your original question was why was he still texting you despite dumping you...well all the aunts here told you why, but you are determined to ignore all advice and keep seeing him and allowing him to confuse and use you.
Good luck xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Aunty Em . he invited me over to see him. I went. He was like a puppy dog. he said he has been worried sick about me and him. I told him it was no big deal as it is not as if we are in some big thing. he then held me really tight and seemed really scared, and was acting extra loving and was obviously really anxious as I had not answered his calls for days and days. I have not contacted him at all since then and am now a bit confused..it;s been two days.x
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 July 2012):
You are doing well and doing the best thing. He's hardly rushing back to confess his undying love is he...probably just checking to see if you are still on the hook to give him a boost.
Show him, through your absence that those days are well and truly over and well done for staying strong xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all. Just to say thanks for your answers. I.ve just come back from holiday for a week,and managed to ignore his calls. He rung me six times. I have no idea what he wanted,so in the end texted him back saying i think it.s best we speak another time. I.m tired. The longer i have no contact with him,the easier it seems to be getting,although, i.m finding it a bit tougher now i.m home again,but i don.t want to get hurt again. I.m not sure if he wanted to discuss,and am curious,but know in my heart he will let me down again. I miss him sometimes,but don.t miss the heartache. Am going to do my best to keep ignoring him. X
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni hate myself for allowing him to play me,and be so selfish. I feel such a fool. Honestly. I.m just venting here. I still feel trapped and messed up by it. Not taking my phone on holiday. he won.t let it go,so i.ll have too. X
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (30 June 2012):
Good for you. I remember getting to the point where I thought my ex was lying to me all the time. He would say one thing and do the opposite, or I would observe him doing something totally different. Then would further make things up when he knew I could see through all the lies. It made me sad too, but it also ticked me off that someone I really trusted would act that way. People revert to all sorts of weird behaviors when they realize you are not sticking around anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionok. It gets worse. It was friday night last night. He was not at home,and this morning it appears he is still not home as his car is not there. I have made the right decision now,and will cut all contact. I.m going away for a week. I won.t take my phone. I.m sad,but not surprised. I will not give him the satisfaction of contacting him. That means his behaviour was not genuine the other evening. I have no idea what that was all about. X
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reader, oldbag +, writes (29 June 2012):
Hmmmmm
Perhaps he thought YOU slashed the tyre, made worse as you didn't ring him for a lift to work, soooo he assumed you knew about the tyre
Just don't take his calls and definately not when your away. Sounds like he's losing the plot. Enjoy your holiday.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Bond girl. i just got a really weird phonecall from him wih some garbeld excuse trying to find out why i did not ring him for a lift to work this morning.. he made some excuse about how his tyre was slashed yesterday and how he had to get a cab, and some really odd nonsense, then asked me how I got to work... he sounded really anxious and stuff. LOL
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (29 June 2012):
You are welcome to come here anytime if you need someone to talk to. I remembere how terrible this was for me. Anytime he would contact me, it was such a temptation to want to make things work (in the back of my mind knowing that he would just do the same old things). So, let us know if you need some support.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionPS - he is also calling me first thing in the morning. I think he might be trying to get me back on board so to speak, but i will not fall for it, and get weak again. I feel different. he knows it too. I knew this would happen. Shame some people leave it too late,.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi. Thanks for your answers. Yes, i am suspect of his new behaviour. I have no idea if he is trying to get me back,or playing games. I.m not doing anything,and will sit back and watch what happens next. I do still like him,but don.t feel quite the same.it looked genuine,but only time will tell. He was acting a bit desperate,and overly nice. I feel kind of numb inside,as i.ve been hurt so much. The good thing is,is that i.m going away next week,so that will give me more time to get over it if i need too. I think i.ll just sit back and do nothing?
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female
reader, oldbag +, writes (28 June 2012):
Well
He CAN still hurt you further because you have hope.He called and you jumped. Nice dinner,meet the friends, all good.No point declining a lift to work really was there
Who knows he may ask to rekindle the relationship he's clearly up to something.
You have not let go, can't move on,are in denial.Nothings changed really so why would you. ......
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (28 June 2012):
You know him pretty well by now so you can probably answer that question for yourself. I know my ex would always pour on the charm when he thought I had had enough. Once he thought he was in the clear, he would go back to his old tricks again. This would happen over and over again until I couldn't take the emotional highs and lows anymore. It also matters if you still like and want to be with him. I got to the point that my ex treated me so badly, I didn't even like him or enjoy his company anymore. Think about what you really want. You are already doubting that he is being genuine by asking your question. I guess only time will tell, but please don't let him continue playing games with you. You really don't want to be with someone that you have to constantly question and guess at his behavior or whether he is being genuine. I know there is a temptation to want to figure out your situation, but don't play the game for too long or you will one day realize that you wasted a lot of time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi All, I have an update. He caled again, and took me out of town yesterday for a long drive and to meet his friend, and we had some nice food and it was really relaxed and he was the happiest I had seen him for ages, and I spent the night with him and we did not have sex and that was cool, and I was surprised we had managed to spend all that time together without falling out. He was so sweet and kind and had this fear in him that I was going to go. He did not say he wanted us to get back together, but the thing is, I have been throough the worst of the pain and he cannot hurt me any further, and some sort of 'off' switch and has gone off in me, like a self preservation thing which is good, and I feel alot less needy and stuff. It was kind of embaressing just watching how scared he was feeling. He was alomst over attentive and at one point rushed into the bathroom to see if I had gone when I was in there for a while. He also took me to meet his other freind. I had been waiting for over a year to be introduced to his freinds by the way.. anyway, I am keeping cool as I do not want to get burnt again. Is he serious? or trying to reel me back in? What to do? Thanks
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (25 June 2012):
Good girl, just focus on yourself and stop wondering what he's doing or how he will react...act like he never existed and enjoy your time away.
x
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear a;ll. thank you for your answers. He called me this morning offering me a lift to work. I politley turned him down. I am cutting all contact and am going away for a week next week without my phone, so that should help. I need to heal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2012): He's your EX,history, don't wonder what or why he does this or that. If he wanted to be with you he still would be, you had issues,you split up.
Cut ALL contact and move on, start the healing process. When he meets somebody new you really do not want to be still emotionally attached do you? No. Look after your life and heart, let him look after his own.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (25 June 2012):
 So you dumped him, but have yet to fully let go of him. What's holding you back?
He texts or calls you, don't reply. Do NOT wonder what his motives are, move on with this new someone else! You're enabling your ex by still asking for lifts to work (take public transport) and keeping up the communication.
Break up with him all the way. Move on with your life and eventually he will too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers. I am not sure. I did respond to his texts and he went nuts and was frantic as I had not called and kept on asking me where I had been, and who with and what I had been doing., He was in a complete state of panic. I was confused at that reaction, as I just called to thank him for his messages and to see what the situation was. He was almsot shouting at me and was sarcastic and acting very needy. It was obvious he had been stewing for days, as usually, I would not have ignored his texts. He said he was going to pop over, I changed my mind, and said I would see him today. I called him today and he was in a better mood, but still unsure, and a bit annoyed. He was very uptight on the phone last night, and it came across as that he was worried I had met someone else... he knows that is on the cards, and who can blame me? I need to stop pursuing this guy right now, as painful as it is. I have no idea what is going on in his life, but know he has been in a funny mood for weeks, but keeps coming back in a blind panic when he does not hear from me. It;s very hard for me to work out what is going on?
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reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (24 June 2012):
I think you should ask him directly what his motives are. You may not get a satisfactory answer, but you can at least ask and see what he says. If you want a long-term relationship, make that known. I honestly think some people do not know their own minds/know what they want. He may not. The worst thing for me was seeing my ex and how nice he was...then I wouldn't hear from him for 3 weeks at a time. I just couldn't live that way. I am in contact with my friends and my neighbors more than that. I couldn't do it anymore.
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (24 June 2012):
Addicted...hmmm maybe addicted to the hope that he will be your boyfriend again.
You got to let go my dear, chasing him will push him further away and make you look vulnerable and annoying.
How would you feel if you went to his tomorrow, he began to say nice things to you, you had sex with him and then he went cold again, said he 'didn't know' and was confused and pushed you away again?
How will you feel when after a few more days you phone him again and he doesn't want to speak to you?
There have been lots of posts from other women on DC who have experienced a similar thing to you. Boyfriend dumps her, she chases a little, he's nice to her but says he 'doesn't know' or is 'confused' or has sex with her and then drops her the very next minute...
Usually in those cases, it turns out he has his sites set on someone new...it's a classic pattern.
It happens to people who have dated for only a few weeks right up to people who have been married/attached for 20 years or more...
The behaviour is classic and it's the same.
Men rarely dump because they want to be on their own...they dump because they have found someone new or have someone in mind that they'd like to pursue.
They might go back and fourth between the dumped GF, giving confused messages and attention until they know if they are going to make that new woman a permanent thing.
That is the most painful thing for dumped people...being in the picture and watching them go off with someone else...it stings!! The only way to avoid it is to cut contact, accept things are over and walk away.
Some men do change their mind and want to come back, this is true, but don't let him make you a booty call or FWB until he has moved on completely.
Do you think this is the case with your guy?
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reader, oldbag +, writes (24 June 2012):
Hi
He asked to 'pop over' later, means 'can we have sex' later. I think hes having problems letting go completely. Spare yourself torment and leave him to decide what he needs to do. Let him really miss you. In the meantime try and distract yourself, keep as busy as you can.When you feel the need to ring him,ring a mate instead.
Things ended for a reason so look closely at what bought things to a head.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhì all,and thank you for taking the time to answer. Unfortunatley. I caved in,and called him. He sounded relieved and happy to hear from me,and asked me how things were. I then made the mistake of asking when i was going to see him. He said he didn.t know. I said ,ok i am out,and then he asked me if he could ring me later,and pop over. I said ok,then changed my mind,and said tommorow. He sounded dissapointed. I told him i will pop over then. I feel totally addicted to him. It.s not good. I.m confused as to his motives,and do not want to get hurt again. What to do? Thanks. X
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female
reader, eda5645 +, writes (23 June 2012):
Honey, he may just wanna become good friends with you again. I do not think he wants to get back together with you JUST YET but you will have to wait and see!!!
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reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (23 June 2012):
I don't not know why guys do this. I am not a believer of the men and women can be friends theory. Unless you're co-workers or some such thing where you don't have a lot of contact and really are just friends. But, with someone you have deeply cared about/loved...it rarely works. Someone always has stronger emotions and if it's you, being in contact with this person you care about can be devastating. You are constantly wondering if he is just your friend or if he is flirting or if things will go back to the way they used to be. All the while he is getting what he wants which is to have contact and be in your life, without having any emotional strings attached. It will be very rough on you if you keep in contact with him. You could ask him if he is trying to get back with you just to be sure, but if he is "just wanting to be friends"...I would stop texting, emailing, and phoning. I would also find a different ride to work or take the bus if you can.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (23 June 2012):
Maybe he is offering friendship because he thinks it will be better for you both rather than making a clean break.
It can be hell to get over someone you still love especially when you know their feelings have changed so you have to make a choice.
Either stay friends or cut contact immediately.
Even if you do want to stay friends you need a period of time to grieve the loss of the relationship and for things to calm down, so him texting is probably upsetting you and confusing you.
He may change his mind and decide to rekindle but he needs to have space to miss you and so your ignoring his texts is the right thing to do.
Give it time and space, gather friends and family around you to keep you company and wait and see what happens.
Good luck xx
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female
reader, justmen +, writes (23 June 2012):
 Guys are not cryptic. They'll be very clear on what they want, what they don't. In case they are players. In which case you'll be able to know within the first few dates. In which case you should flush him. If you love him, tell him that. If he loves you still he will tell you that. If not, move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2012): I think he's sending you the text messages to be nice. Obviously he still cares about you and wishes you well.
Alas you have admitted there are trust issues and many problems which I think you both need time to address and sort out before you both go leaping into each others arms. I'd say he wants to keep in contact with you but he needs to have room to deal with his problems and so should you.
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