A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of 3 years is very busy. He has several jobs and, to be honest, has what I think are OCD-like tendencies. So, when he does have some rare time at home he spends it doing things like cutting holes in the walls to hide the wires BEHIND the bookcase as opposed to doing things like, say, laundry or grocery shopping, which in my opinion would benefit him later on. Then later when he has no food or clean clothes he feels perfectly justified complaining about it and would never tolerate anyone pointing out to him that maybe he should have shopped when he had the chance. I never say anything because I don't live there and he is a grown man. He does not ask my opinion or for my help. He just likes for me to listen to him complain on and on and on about it. I think they are bad decisions and often I get frustrated. I so want to offer up some unsolicited advice. Mostly I don't. But the rare times that I do, he gets really mad.Anyway, I would love for him to spend more time with me. I am not a needy person. I understand the nature of our relationship. It has been like this since the beginning. I DID think that as our relationship progressed that we would naturally spend more time together, but that has not been the case. We see each other mostly on the weekends. Most of those weekends we have kids with us. I don't mind it. We are adults, we each have kids. I knew the situation from the beginning. I like his kids, he likes mine. The thing is, when we do have time alone, he can't seem to put his phone down long enough to pay attention to me. He has to check scores, check e-mails, look at stupid pictures his friends have sent on Facebook, read the headlines of articles regarding who may or may not get traded to or from a sports team, etc. I think it's just rude. I understand having the phone handy. I will check if I get a message just to see if it's one of my kids (especially the youngest) and if it's an emergency. This is a glance that takes a second and I always apologize. But he indulges his buddies. He says he doesn't want to be "rude" by not responding to them. Really!!!??? What about me?I am NOT needy. I am NOT possessive. I just like manners. But he likes to tell me that I cannot possibly get enough attention. He said to me recently that he's going to quit all of his jobs and he's not even sure if that is going to provide enough time to satisfy my need for attention. Huh? He said he wanted to be with me and I needed to support him. I thought he meant emotionally and I swooned like a jerk! Turns out he meant financially because he's just going to sit around and stare at me because I'm so needy that no about of attention from him is enough. We see each other once a week! Sometimes less often than that. I DO NOT give him a hard time. Sure, I would like more. Who wouldn't?!? Most relationships wouldn't survive on that kind of schedule. But I know it's all that we can do. (I say "we", but the busy busy schedule is his. I have a very normal schedule). I would never harass the guy. I realize that if it's something he can't or won't change then my alternative is to break up with him…not harass and harangue him.I guess I just don't understand why he's turning it around on me and telling me, himself (and probably anyone else who will listen) what a crazy needy possessive bitch I am, who won't leave him alone and is constantly telling him what to do.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 April 2015):
 You ask WHY... well we an only guess as to WHY he mistreats you.
1. you are a place holder for him and he's not really interested in any more with you than what you currently have. IF you left he would not really miss YOU but rather what you provide which he can get from ANY woman willing to put up with his selfish, childish behavior.
2. He may have some sort of OCD/ADHD planning issues... hence why he will work on wires and not do the laundry and shopping. This is also something you can't change. ONLY he cab change this and only with professional help.
Bottom line since you have not asked WHAT to do or how to fix this is that THIS IS WHAT IT IS.. it's NOT going to change. NOTHING you do will change how he is.
Personally if you want more from him your only option is to leave him totally 100% no contact at all.
IF he truly loves you and wants you he will try to get you back and then you can set NEW boundaries about what is and is not acceptable. BUT do not leave expecting him to change... in fact, you are leaving for you. IF he wants to make changes then you can if you want, let him prove to you he's serious about his changes... treat him like a brand new man.
It's hard to walk away from a situation with someone that's become a habit and is comfortable even if you are not happy.
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (17 April 2015):
 It sounds like he's very self-centred and is investing nothing in your relationship. I don't know why you would want to be with a guy like this. Dump him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 April 2015):
 Honestly? I can see why he is not longer with his children's mother.
HIS life is about HIM first, then his kids, then friends... THEN you. Because his priority is NOT his kids - he isn't EVEN paying attention to them if he is busy fiddling on the phone. It 's ALL about him.
Having several jobs I get that - specially if he is paying child maintenance - it enables him to "hopefully" put away some saving too. And working hard is a great quality - but some people are not very good at having to work hard and carry on a relationship. Like walking and chewing gum.
It's been 3 YEARS and nothing has progressed, I don't see him changing and WHEN you do VERBALIZE that you would like MORE time with him - he acts like you are being unreasonable with your "demands".
I'm sorry, I don't see a future with this that is ANYTHING like a couple together.
You are a convenience, nothing more (unless of course you open your mouth and let him know you feel neglected - then you are an annoyance.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 April 2015):
 Because he IS extremely rude ! and self centered. It's all about him.
He does not realize that you would not tell him what to do and what to proritize if only he was able to do it RIGHT on his own ( " Right " as in : appropriate and acceptable for someone who is in a committed relationship ).
He's like a man complaining rhat his wife always wants to tell him how to blow his nose or to eat his soup. We would side with him against the nagging wife, until it turns out that he blows his nows in the shared tablecloth, or laps up his soup without a spoon directly from the common tureen. In this case, it's not " HIS time " only- it's your couple's free time.
It's not about the kids. It's that when you have company over, particularly the SO whom you barely see once a week, you keep phone fiddling to a bare minimim. If you prefer phone fiddling- then, do not have a girlfriend. It's that simple.
It seems you are not getting much out of this r/ship in terms of time and having your needs met, so one can't help wonder why you are staying. You must get out something out of this, in some unclear way - maybe unclear even to yourself.
Personally I am skeptical about the possibility of people changing their mindset at his age, particularly people who does not see anything wrong with it and does not want to change it . Unluckily, this , I admit, does nor leave you many choices.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 April 2015):
 ***His comments not only show his immaturity, but also his lack of respect for you***
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (17 April 2015):
He sounds like an over-grown man-child. No, you're not being over-bearing or needy by expecting that little shred of actual alone time you two do get to be spent together without his head in the phone. That, to me, is common respect and decency.
His comments show his immaturity. He is entitled to disagree with you and feel differently than you, but he is NOT entitled to patronizing and belittling you. His comment about you supporting him financially so he can sit and stare at you is just flat out patronizing, and it's ridiculous and insulting. As grown adults, you should be able to communicate to each other how you're feeling and respect each others emotions. If you feel like you're not getting your needs completely met, he should hear you out and determine if he can reasonably meet those needs. And if he is feeling a bit overwhelmed, he should be able to calmly express that to you and you hear him out and see if you both can't reach a middle ground. But there is NO excuse for his patronizing and antagonizing. He sounds like he really needs to grow up.
If I were you, I would turn around and walk right out that door and let him know he needs to learn how to treat, respect, and talk to his partner. Because he clearly needs a lesson.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (17 April 2015):
 You BOTH have kids, He has a crazy schedule, you both work.
If you don't give in a bit because he has a crazier schedule than YOU do; then you are being a little crazy and needy and possessive.
He's not yours, he belongs to his kids first, as do you to yours.
He's your boyfriend and not your husband.
I wouldn't respect a man who didn't have priorities and put hid children first, frankly.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (17 April 2015):
I am not even sure how you stand for this behavior. If this is how you both work out issues you can forget about being happily married together. Most relationships do not survive with those kinds of schedules but the ones that do, survive because they BOTH make it work. I wish I have some advice to help with him but I don't. If he hasn't changed by now I do not know when he will. Maybe some time away from him will help you both remember yourselves.
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