A
female
age
,
*ngel Whispers
writes:I see a man at a bar every Tuesday and Saturday. His friends tell me he is mad on me and say he tells them to butt out if they try to chat me up. He always takes me on the dance floor to dance to the smoochy dances.He took me out for lunch 2 weeks ago but has not asked me out since but still acts the same at bar and always walks me to my car and kisses me goodnight but never tries to grope me and is the perfect gentleman etc..What is going on? Why is he reluctant to take me on dates even though he still appears to be very keen on me? I am giving the bar a miss for a couple of weeks to see how he reacts. I am very puzzled. Anyone any ideas as to what might be going on? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (22 July 2007):
 I couldn't agree more, if he wants to talk to you then he should have done, saying bye via a friend is so not nice, like he couldn't be bothered to say something to you himself like, 'sorry this is hi and bye but hopefully will catch up with you on Tuesday'. That would have been so much nicer.
Don't play the games the other friend mentioned about the piece of paper as it is so immature and back to the classroom tactics, you are a woman in her prime and if Alan is not even going to talk to you then he has no rights over you at all.
Talk to him straight and ask him what is going on as you are not going to live in limbo and waiting around for someone who clearly doesn't want to make something more than casual hello's and the odd dances and kisses when he feels like it. You are a woman who needs to know where she stands.
You can't leave your life on hold like this, it would be driving me insane playing games like this.
You both are not 18 and he is mucking around like a teenager, he is a man who is either very shy, scared of committment or something.
A quiet drink and chat where no one else is listening is the order of the day here, even if it is over a cup of coffee rather than alcohol.
The other guy is wanting to wind Alan up to see if he reacts and if he knows that he is not into playing games like that then the second guy gets you for himself instead. It is a male acting out game and you don't want to get caught up in one of those, always ends in tears.
Keep me posted.
BFN
Country Woman
A
female
reader, Angel Whispers +, writes (22 July 2007):
Angel Whispers is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to update you. Last night myself and friend went to the bar. There was live music on and we sat at front near to band. Whilst band playing the Alan came in and sat at the back of room as no seats near us. He flashed me a beaming smile.I intended to go and talk to him when bands first session ended.But before I could do this one of his friends came to me and said Alans gone and he told me to say bye to you. As this bar was relatively empty compared to a usual sat. night apparantly they were moving to another bar.I probably made a mistake by asking his friend where he had gone. He told me which other bar. We decided not to go there but moved on to another bar instead where we saw one of the other guys who usual goes to the bar on Tuesdays and wants to take me out but is always told to butt out by Alan. Told him I was getting fed up of Alans strange behaviour. He told me Alan lives alone and as far as he knows is not seeing anyone. He said he was going to wind him up on Tuesday by saying I had agreed to give him my phone number at the end of Tuesday evening if Alan himself had not asked me out. He said for me to hold up a piece of paper and wave it at him when Alan is watching and he is going to keep asking me up to dance to see if that gets Alan moving. He said there must be something wrong with the guy if he is making no moves when it is obvious to all that we both like each other. In fact he said the other guys keep teasing Alan by saying what a good couple we make when we are together on the dance floor.My friend said it was immature of him to get his friend to say he was going. Getting more puzzling by the minute. I think I may ask him what is going on on Tuesday.I will tell him I find it strange that he still appears to like me but has not asked me on a second date and ask him where I stand.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (19 July 2007):
I'm sorry if I was a bit alarmest to you but I just find it extremely strange that he has refused your mobile number as that is just not what men do if they are interested in someone.
I realise he is an honourable man and the kisses sound innocent enough but if he is interested and tells everyone else they are not allowed to date you then he is making a rather large claim on you and that is just not fair as he is keeping away other potential men from you and warning them off, I am not saying that you would want their attention but surely that decision should be up to you and not him making a claim on you.
Saying you are his woman is fine if that is the situation but right now he is not really making it anything other than casual and times to suit him at the pub when you bump into one another.
It is not like OK see you Thursday at the pub at 8pm or something as he still doesn't have your contact details.
Have you ever asked him for his mobile number btw?
I would see what his reaction is if you do ask for it, if he is reluctant then it is a good chance that he is hiding something, if he gives it freely then he is being pretty honest I reckon.
If he does give you his number then text him at different times and see what his reaction is.
Only time will tell with this man so persevere but keep your wits about you.
Take care, btw you can always message me directly if you ever want to chat at any time via my own mailbox which is confidential I believe.
BFN
Country Woman (Sharon)
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A
female
reader, Angel Whispers +, writes (19 July 2007):
Angel Whispers is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo answer a few of your questions. I am never alone when he walks me to the car, always with my female friend. It is a quick kiss on the lips nothing too passionate and he did the same at end of date when we were alone.He has never come on too strong. He has told me he is now on good terms with his ex wife and she has had breast cancer detected recently and is going for chemotherapy and has on a couple of occasions given her a lift to the hospital when she has had no-one else to take her. (He works different shift patterns and is sometimes available when his son can not run his mother to hospital.)He babysits for his daughter (she has a 5 week old baby and a toddler) so he appears to be a nice family sort of guy and talks freely of his family.One of his exes actually comes to the bar with her new man and seems to flaunt this in front of him by being all over the new man. We wonder why she does this.Other people tell him that the new man buys her loads of jewellery etc. and has offered to buy her a house.He told me he thinks she is a gold digger and I asked him if he would have her back and he said no chance after what she has done to him (apparantly she two timed him with this man, he found out and finished it)I wonder if he may be dating someone else but i do not think it would be serious as he goes out with friends on Fridays Saturdays and Tuesdays.He does have days off in the week because of shift patterns he works so he could well be seeing someone then but he knows the last couple of weeks I have been off work so he could have asked me out then but I did hear him say to someone else that he was babysitting for his daughter one time.He received a text once when out and said it was his daughter about babysitting so i will notice if someone texts him regularly at night in future. Maybe thats a clue as to if he is seeing someone else.But if only dating and not too involved yet then I suppose he is within his right to do that. You are right I must be aware of that.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (18 July 2007):
Yes it does seem weird that this man has never asked for your mobile number, that is the first thing that someone does so that they can reach you at any time.
Does he have a wife or partner at all? Has he been open about his situation or is it a bit cloak and dagger as like you say the ones you don't want the attention from are asking you for your number so I don't see why he can say that he is the only one able to pursue you and then not take your mobile number.
Does he not want someone to see your number on his phone or if he sent you a text then you replied would someone else get suspicious, sorry but my mind is working overtime here.
A man who is interested in a woman or visa versa always asks for contact details and women these days only normally give out mobile numbers as they don't want to be pestered at home or they ask the man for his number and then it is up to them whether they ring the man. Safety first in my book and always keep home details private at all costs.
Yes, I think backing off right now and finding out as much information about this guy is the order of the day, don't avoid the place forever but also don't allow this man to walk you to his car and kiss you intimately because he is giving you noting in return so I would hold back more now than you have been doing and then if he asks you what is wrong you have the perfect opportunity to say something to him. Surround yourself with friends when you next decide to go to the pub and only be alone with him if you want to be, don't let him get you on your own and vunerable as he knows you are attracted to him but it has to be on your terms always and he has been very evasive.
Sit tight, I know it is hard but anything worth fighting for makes it more worthwhile in the long run.
Keep me posted eh.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, Angel Whispers +, writes (18 July 2007):
Angel Whispers is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again.I missed going to bar last night as we like the live music there. My friend who goes with me said she will try and get information from his friends next time we go there. In answer to the thing about contact numbers etc. When we were arranging the date at a restaurant near to where I live I offered my mobile number in case he could not find the venue and he said he would be able to find it no problem. This is one of the things my friend and myself find strange as the other two men friends of his keep begging me to give them my number so they can ask me out.
Also a neighbour over the road who lost his wife 4 years ago is keen to take me out. So its ironic that the ones you are not really interested in are the ones who have no problem persuing you!
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (17 July 2007):
Your son may be right about his past experiences, his daughter's wedding in September sounds like the main reason that he is probably holding back on spending out right now so one lunch was fine but the purse strings are certainly quite tight by the sounds of things.
You did say you may stay away from the pub for a week or two and I would keep yourself busy with friends or family so that you don't feel the lack of going there so hard.
Does he have any contact details for you like a phone number or mobile number at all, email address or MSN at all?
Yes, playing it cool can work but please don't drive yourself insane wondering.
Keep busy and if he does have your contact details then he will certainly get in touch if he is missing you, what is the old saying absence makes the heart grow fonder, very true honest.
When you do start to ask him questions, don't bombard but just ask subtly and not accusingly. Keep it light and say that it was worrying you and he will understand that you are genuine and that you do truly care for him unlike the other past relationships eh!
Keep me posted and here anytime to chat OK.
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, Angel Whispers +, writes (17 July 2007):
Angel Whispers is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answer.I was afraid of pushing him away by asking questions. I do know that he had bad experiences with the last two girlfriends and he has his daughters wedding to pay for in September. I thought of asking him if he was already seeing someone else. (I know he is divorced) Today my son who is in his 30's suggested I just play it cool have fun with him and give him time as he may be scared of relationships due to past experiences. But like you say it is driving me mad not knowing where I stand. I like him lots so maybe I will give him another couple of weeks then start to ask questions.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (17 July 2007):
As this man is a perfect gentleman perhaps he is just trying to build up a little more courage or perhaps a little more cash as you never know if he wants to treat you like a queen but has had a lot of bills lately, who knows.
If you are completely intrigued by this man and allow him to kiss you why is it that you are not talking to him?
Not every man must do all the running as a little feedback from you seems needed here.
Have you ever just ask to sit down with him and have a drink and talk to each other and find out a little more about one another. You say you had lunch with him, what was discussed over lunch?
Do you know much about him?
Ask him outright if he likes you or not and whether he wants to take things further by actually dating you as you are confused and don't know whether he still likes you or not.
I think you need to push this situation a little more as he is giving off mixed signals. You are only his and no one else is allowed to approach you yet he is not doing as much running as he used to.
Ask him outright if he is married or with someone if you don't already know this.
I realise that some women are not comfortable in asking a man a lot of questions but if you are close enough to kiss then you are already past the awkward stage.
Time to bite the bullet so to speak and get things out in the open as this would drive me insane if I was you.
Wish you all the very best of luck and keep us posted on how things progress eh!
BFN
Country Woman
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