A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Why is he pushing me away? I lost my husband a few months back. He suffered from bipolar disorder and took his life. I understand some people seem to think I need my space, but really I don't want space. I want comfort. About a year ago in the turmoil of my marriage I had a good male friend, and we ended up having feelings for each other that developed into a brief affair. Knowing it was wrong, it ended abruptly and I devoted myself to trying desperately to help my husband. I couldn't help him and now he is gone. I feel so sad and alone. I thought this other man was my friend first and foremost, but since the tragedy in my life he has run from me. He came over one night and through my grief we landed up kissing again--then he left telling me it wasn't the time. I understand how outsiders see this, but at that moment I just needed him with me. Since then he never calls or texts. Never asks how I am feeling and when I ask him about it, he tells me he is confused and never tells me what he is confused about. He claims he wants to be my friend, but a friend checks in and asks how things are. What is all this "I am confused" stuff? I am the one who lost my husband. How can a man one day feel like he has "fallen in love with you" and then nothing... confused..Why can't he be here for me when I need him?
View related questions:
affair, kissing, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (2 May 2010):
 I am really sorry to hear that your husband took his life, you must feel distressed over the loss and it's understandable that you seek comfort in your time of need. Your trying to plug the 'hole' in your life that your husband left.
This man whom you had an affair with was more than happy to carry on with you whilst your husband was alive, but now your husband has died, perhaps this guy has commitment issues and now doesn't feel he wants to be involved with you.
It is often in times of need that we find out truly who our real friends are and if he is telling you that he is 'confused' what he really means is that he doesn't want to have to 'be there' for you...he is distancing himself and sadly that means he is making to break away.
There are a lot of men and women who are happy to cheat when they know there is a spouse on the scene, but when that spouse has gone, they simply don't want to be next in line and be committed.
He isn't enquiring as a friend because he probably fears you will want more from him than he is willing to give.
I know that looks so unfair and sh***y from your perspective, but you need to lean on family and real friends for support while your grieving. When you have come through the grieving process, you will be stronger and in a better state of mind to move on with your life and perhaps, in time, begin a new relationship.
You sound angry and confused yourself, but ultimately trying to push this guy into a 'friendship' in the guise of a relationship...won't work and is probably the last thing you really need.
Give yourself a good amount of time to heal and forget this guy. The anger sadness and frustration will pass and someone more worthy will come along in time.
Love
Aunty Em xxx
|
