A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, to make this story short……I dated a guy long distance (Dallas-Houston) for about 7 months. We went on trips to Vegas and other places together and really enjoy each other’s company…….. Well last month, he told me, everyone was referring to me as his girlfriend. He said he wasn’t ready to be in a committed relationship. (I never once assumed we were exclusive, not while I was still 300 miles away) I know that in the months prior he was really into me. His friends said they had never heard him talk about a girl the way he talked about me ect…..However, I also know feelings can change and men can lose interest, especially if he started to feel I was too clingy. I obviously have feelings for this guy. But I reluctantly agreed to be just friends. It was his idea, not mine. He said he wanted to be not “just friends” but “good friends”.Fast forward to this month, I went to Houston to see some of my friends. I did not stay at this guy’s house this time, but him and I hung out all 3 – days I was there. We seem to still be very close, just no sex. He went to tell me good night and he kissed me on the mouth. Just a peck, but still. I don’t know very many “friends” that kiss you on the mouth. The following week I had surgery, and he was so supportive. Calling to make sure I was OK, texting me, writing on my Face Book wall ect…..( I also suspect he may have gotten jealous b/c I posted a profile pic of me and another guy. But hey he just wanted to be friends, right??)Anyway, my main dilemma is this. Since last Thursday when he texted me. I have called him once and texted him twice. It has now been a week and I have not had a return text or a return call. Yes, he is very busy, but it doesn’t take very long to write “hi” and hit send or something……….So why all of a sudden is he ignoring me like this?? He was so sweet and caring two weeks ago, and now nothing. I made it a point to take his number out of my phone, so I don’t go over board. It’s up to him to contact me. I realize he must have lost interest, or maybe he is with someone else. But, for someone who wanted to be such good friends, why is he ignoring me?? I obviously still like this guy, and was kinda hoping he had feelings for me too, and was just trying to figure out what he wants? But, I just don’t understand the sudden change….He runs Hot-then –Cold!!!Note: Before you answer, "he's just not that into you".....I do realize that at this point in time he really is not as into me, as he once was.... but as a friend why would he do this?? Maybe he isn't really a friend after all, or maybe he didn't really like seeing me with another guy and is a little hurt?? Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): Thanks again for the answers! I did stop thinking about this for a few days!! I did some productive activites. Still no return call or text from said “friend” however, he was checking out my FB page at 3:00AM which I found odd. He liked my status that day,which is why I know the time. Not sure why he’s checking what I’ve been up to, or why I care. As I have not heard from him, I sent him a friendly e-mail yesterday. Not sounding desperate but just checking in & I sent some pictures of us together. I told him friendships may fade but memories are forever, so here are some of my favorite pics of us. And I thanked him for being supportive when he was. If he responds great!! If not I have my answer that he’s not such a great friend. He’s a douche who felt guilty about trying to break up with me!! Either way I’m happy now. I have a new love interest and I realize no amount of crying will bring him back to me!!!
I also heard that he may be moving soon due to his job. His contract is up, I have a feeling he is trying to distance himself from me to make it easier on him when he moves.....that makes a lot of sense to me. But it's hard to analyze everything.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (17 June 2011):
 I'd comment but CindyCares has it down perfectly.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 June 2011):
 Since you are in your 30s, I think by now you are aware that " let's be friends " very often is simply a kind, diplomatic way to say " Sex was good, but now please back off ". It's a way of distancing yourself in a non-conflictual way. As such, it should not be taken literally, as "I'll set aside special time and thoughts for you ".
But, let's take him at face value and assume he meant it. I don't think he has reneged on his promise to be a friend. You just maybe have a different concept of friendship. His may be looser and " lighter". After all, he has been a good friend when it counted and when you needed it most ( when you had surgery ), Now you are safely back home, you are Ok, and ( he thinks ) it's no big deal not responding promptly to your messages. He'll pop up when he'll have something in particular to say to you.
Maybe what he has in mind is a more casual, "social " friendship, and you expect instead something more personal, more connected.
As a general rule, it's never a good idea to "stay friends " with someone you still have the hots for. It leads to overthinking, giving too much weight to an e-mail or a silence, just like you are doing now. And, since the "friend " who actually would rather be a lover generally holds on to the friendship with the thought , in the back of her/his mind, that if she / he hangs in there you may never know, things could back to how they were once .... that makes the " friendship" not spontanueous, full with subtext, and possibly very frustrating.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): It could be that he was put off by the photo of you and someone else and is discouraged as he does sound into you to me, just wanting things to go slowly.
There's nothing wrong in you saying casually that it would be nice to see him, and also if you can find a way to let him know the other guy is just a friend, without looking too obvious. That might give him a bit of confidence.
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