A
female
age
41-50,
*o sad in love
writes:My BF of 9 years split up with me about 4 months ago. I was very unaffectionate and had treated him badly. He got tired of it. Can't say I blame him. I mean we are talking about no intimacy for years! Yes, years. I was very unhappy with myself and my weight and I couldn't love him if I didn't love myself. Just a couple months before splitting up with me, he was practically begging me to spend more time with him, try to move out together and he really wanted a baby. I was not giving in to anything. At any rate, since we split up, I have been going to a therapist and working out. Lost almost 70 lbs. and feel great about myself. I see what I did wrong in the relationship and feel bad, but I can't go back and change it. I can only go forward showing him that I am NOT going to fall back into those mean ways again. I want more than anything to move out with him and have a baby with him when we are stable. I have 2 children (previous relationship, their father not in the picture)and he has been raising them with me for the last 9 years as his own, so this is more like a divorce. He really wants to stay in the kids' lives and wants me to never take them away from him. So we see each other every day couple of days. He also wants us to stay friends forever because he cares about me but as he puts it, he's just not in love with me anymore. He is inexperienced with relationships and I just don't think he understands it can't be like that. Other than our relationship, he only had high school GFs. Nothing serious. After we split, I was desperate to get him back. I know it sounds crazy, but once it was official, reality set in and I "hit rock bottom". I realized I wanted him in my life and couldn't give up. He wasn't hearing it though. You see, he tried to split up with me a couple time before the official split and I always talked him out of breaking up. This time, he was firm. This is really bad, but long story short, I went to his house and seduced him. Remember I said we hadn't been intimate in years? Yeah, so I forced myself on him and once he gave in, we had wild sex. It was amazing. Very passionate. He kept saying no, this is wrong, I don't want to lead you on, etc. I said no worries, it's just sex, I understand we are not together, just friends with benefits. Aaaaaand that is where we are at...still...4 months later. He has strong morals and goes through this thing where he feels like it is still wrong and he is leading me on. Sometimes I would get emotional and ask if he was having feelings for me again. He would say no, I just don't love you and I don't know if it will come back. Once he saw I was getting emotional, he would pull away on the intimacy. But I always end up turning it back around. He says he feels like I am pushing him to be with me. I told him that I wasn't going to lie to him, I am doing this for numerous reasons. #1, I want him to see who I really am. I am back to the girl he fell in love with and actually like sex and being affectionate again. My therapist told me that I should keep doing this because it's healthy because I am finding myself and showing him I am ok with myself again. #2, because I am hoping that he will fall in love with me again. I told him I am not hiding that. My goal is to get him to love me and want to give the relationship a try again. There have been times where he would sneak over to my house for sex and then end up cuddling and saying it's too hard to leave so spending the night. I will say I mostly initiate the sex because like I said his morals get the best of him. But just a couple weeks ago I went over to his place and he initiated it. I have learned NOT to try to talk about us as a couple since he freaks. So I haven't done that in a month now. We have been having fun, flirting with each other. He told me a couple months ago that this does feel like when we first started dating and that it wouldn't be a bad thing if he fell in love with me again. He also said he wouldn't hold back his feelings either. I feel as though he is though. Just last week I decided to pull back a little and stopped initiating things and stopped calling and texting so much. All of a sudden he started popping up at my house more than usual saying he wanted to "see the kids" but then he would spend time with me. His friends have stopped by his house while I was there too. Of course they don't know we are having sex. They think we are just being friends. His friends like me and he told me that quite a few of them told me that they believe we will get back together. He just keeps fighting it though and I don't know what to do. He kisses me passionately when we are having sex, but tries not to otherwise, like making out or a kiss goodbye because he says kissing is emotional for him. So you know I ALWAYS kiss him. Remember, that's my goal?! He always gives in. He just doesn't give in to getting back together. My friends who do know what's going on with us, tell me that I should just keep it up and eventually he will just fall back into the relationship. See he is a very private person. When we first started dating 9 years ago, he didn't even tell his friends. They just eventually figured it out. He never denied it, just never announced it. I know deep in my heart that he cares about me because there is no way we could be the way we are if there were no feelings. Trust me, it's not JUST sex. We chat everyday about our day and flirt. I'm scared that he is just so confused that he doesn't realize he still cares. I am also scared maybe he doesn't want to take me back because he doesn't want to appear weak. Please any suggestions, or insight would help me greatly. Thank you.
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female
reader, firefly23 +, writes (26 August 2013):
I just have to comment on your post, because something very similar happened to me about a year ago. In case you haven't seen my posts, I talk openly about how I have borderline personality disorder and how it ruined a three and half year relationship, for me. I was the guy's first love, just like yours, and we had some intense feelings for each other that were simply overshadowed by how awful I felt about myself. I was not being a fair partner to him, and he eventually grew weary with me. He told me that he was no longer in love me, we broke up and tried to remain friends, I hit that rock bottom that you speak of and became a ball of desperation, trying to win him back with promises, lies, manipulation, etc. I've been there.But that's the past...bringing things to the present, I too, am very surprised that your therapist is encouraging this type of behavior. The very first thing mine did was figuratively slap me in the face and explain to me that my ex was not in love with me anymore, and he wasn't coming back. His priority was to get me over my ex boyfriend, because I wasting valuable days of my life fighting for someone who wasn't worth it. And trust me, I was pissed at him (!!), but it took that to see the truth. It was over, and he wasn't giving me a second chance. I think you should hear this, too. You gotta listen to him, when he says, "I don't love you, and I don't want to be with you," and stop wasting your life away. Go find someone who DOES! Trust me, there is someone out there who is going to appreciate all of the effort that you have made to better yourself.Good luck. I made it, and so can you!
A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (26 August 2013):
 I'm quite surprised that your therapist is encouraging you to continue with this destructive behaviour. Are you telling her the same as you're telling us, that you seduce him because you truly believe it will make him love you again even though he has said many times that he doesn't and that he doesn't want to get back together, or do you tell her that it makes you feel empowered or something? I think it sounds totally UNhealthy and that you need to stop sleeping with him.
He sounds like a great guy and it's fantastic that he wants to stray in your children's lives. But I think you need to go forward with your life on the assumption that it's over between you two. Maybe you will get together somewhere down the line, but this is not the way to go about it. For now, live as if it's over for good.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 August 2013):
 A relationship has two sides. It is rarely only one person's fault, rarely just one single issue. When you think back, even with years without intimacy, he still wanted to live with you and have a baby. So you know that it's not really about the sex as much as him wanting to be needed. He took you as you were.
Men who are with overweight women like them because of the security they bring, and their warm motherly qualities. He had thought that because of your weight you were less likely to leave him but your coldness suggested to him otherwise. Something that he might never tell you about is how shocked he was about your transformation. He feels you are a different person and must have higher standards that you will realize later.
Please do yourself a favour and love yourself, and that means being able to accept whatever outcome. Love is a state of being, more than to prove something or gain recognition. Having another baby means putting more weight back on, and having less energy and time for a husband. Sex and feelings are important but without time, money, energy, a relationship hardly survives. Feelings is just something to top off a relationship. We always say we want something but reality is very different from our ideals.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): I think too much has gone on i.e. you have rejected him so much in the past, that he has just switched off. My advice? Continue to be friendly - no seduction - and if it's meant to be, it will be.
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