A
female
age
36-40,
*lifton
writes:My ex was diagnosed with PTSD. I did everything in my power to try to be her protector. I knew logically that I couldn't save her from all she was dealing with, but I always, always was there for her. If she called in the middle of the night, I'd wake up and go over there, just to lay with her to help her sleep. I was always doing things like that. Her and I had a big fight about a week ago. We've never had one like that before. I tried to alleviate the situation by attempting to grab her to hug her. Which I should have known was a bad idea. She panicked. Her reaction upset me so much, I freaked out and didn't know what else to do but leave for a while. I took a walk for about twenty minutes. When I came back, we were much calmer. She told me she had strong thoughts of suicide when we had fought like that. I told her how sorry I was and we wouldn't fight like that again. We held hands and both said sorry for our parts. We said how much we love each other and don't ever want to fight like that again. We wound up having sex and going to sleep like everything was fine. The following days, things felt amiss. She called me over and asked me to spend the night the next night because she was having nightmares, and I went. But after that, she grew distant. Finally, two nights ago, she told me she doesn't love me anymore and our fight made her realize she can't be with me. That I intimidated her when I tried to hug her and she couldn't be with someone she fought like that with while she's dealing with so much. I was devastated. I've spent so much time trying to be her protector, just to have her leave me because she got scared of me. And that I'm a negative impact on her life while she's healing. How can that be? I've spent nearly a year trying to be there for her constantly and have had countless sleepless nights watching over her. I'm literally crushed. We haven't spoken since the breakup. I don't know what to do or how to deal with this. I feel terrible and am struggling so much. Any advice would be wonderful. Thanks.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 August 2013):
 You don't stop loving people overnight, but I think you can stop overnight wanting them in your life when you realize this love, regardless of the best intentions and motivations, for some reason does not fit in your life at that moment in time and eventually will bring more damage than good. It's not your fault and I don't think she sees it as your fault as in " Oh you meanie, you scared me, you made me cry ,you bad,bad person "- it's not that. I think she just realized that no, NOT all you need is love, and no,love does not conquer everything. She has issues, she has problems, she has wounds that are not compatible with your love and your way of expressing it- you are obviously passionate, intense, sincere... and for some reason that's not what benefits her,not what she can handle at this point in time. She is protecting herself, her ( frail ) balance, her peace of mind, her serenity. At all costs, including giving up what you had so far.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (26 August 2013):
llifton is verified as being by the original poster of the question It's good to know I'm not alone. This whole thing has me so overwhelmed. Thank you for you input.
It's hard to cope with the guilt of feeling like the fight we had made her stop loving me. Can someone really stop loving you because of a fight like that? I keep beating myself up over it. Logically, I know it wasn't all my fault. We both let it escalate like that. And unfortunately, sometimes couples fight. It just happens. I hate fighting and I can't stand it. But sometimes, its inevitable. I just can't stop blaming myself for everything. Which I know isn't fair to me. But really, can someone just stop loving you just like that? She was just so mean and harsh. Hard to comprehend.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (26 August 2013):
 I went through something very similar nine months ago. I had made a comment to my ex about my beliefs on medications, which I suspect made him stop taking them. He probably thought that with medications he was unable to give me the life I want. His anxiety was barely manageable but was still having various psychosomatic complaints like stomach, sleep problems, paranoia and in addition the inability to cum (which is not an issue for me but it is for him).
He stopped the medicine cold turkey and went into psychosis. He took a chance because with medicine his life is shitty so what has he got to lose by not taking them? He knew that I took others' pain as my pain so to protect me he ended the relationship. I also tried so hard but at the end it was good for me to live in peace. There was a lot of things unspoken but your post made more sense what happened in my past.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (26 August 2013):
llifton is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSincerely, thank you so much for your responses. They actually really touched my heart. I gave so much of myself - everything - to her. And she was my absolute best friend. This has left my heart ripped out. I feel like a walking open wound. I feel like all my hard work and effort to be there for her came to nothing in the end. Like I spent so much time trying so hard to be there, just to get left behind. It's all so overwhelming.
She is in counseling. She sees a psychiatrist once a week and is on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. And actually, when we had that huge fight, she hadn't taken her meds in two days. I didn't realize it at the time of the fight. She told me later, once we had calmed down. She was acting very different that day and i don't know if the fight would have gone down like that had she been on her medication. I can't say for certain. I don't know if she has or hasn't taken them since then.
She blind sided me with the things she was saying when she was breaking up with me. She refused to speak to me in person and was so harsh, saying she didn't love me and didn't feel that way for me at all, when just days before we were discussing our lives together. Then telling me she doesn't want to settle with me anymore and be miserable like some of her friends are. It didn't even sound like the girl I knew. I couldn't comprehend how she could say she didn't love me more than a friend when in my heart, I could tell that she loved me. Or so I thought. Ugh.
Right now I'm just working on doing what was mentioned. Spending time with friends and trying to move on. Regaining myself back because I think I lost me along the way. I put my whole heart into her and lost sight of all else. The comment about the one who cuddles needs to be cuddled sometimes is so true. I stopped caring about and for myself along the way in all of this. Now I just need someone to cuddle me and take care of me.
That was dome of the best advice I could have received. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You've truly helped so much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2013): You poor thing, it's so difficult for people who have mental health issues and depression etc. but what people forget, is that it's also very difficult for the people around those who are suffering, they're suffering too.I just think she's at a place in her life where she needs proper professional treatment, to sort herself out, sadly, she needs to decide this for herself, you cannot force her to take this step. Obviously you're very upset and you have every right to be because you tried so very hard to do everything in your power to help her, you should give yourself a huge pat on the back for that, that you were such an amazing person to have when she was in a bad way.As for what happened, in my opinion, I could be wrong, but perhaps your ex was just totally overwhelmed with emotions and can't handle any big events or arguments at all and perhaps that's the reason why she wanted her own space.So at this very point, my advice to you, is to give it time, allow yourself to be sad when you need to, and look for comfort in loved ones. And when you feel stronger in yourself, you'll be able to move forward. Obviously it's very raw and painful at the moment, but you must let it take it's course, and after some time, you'll feel better, and maybe then, your ex, after you've both had some time apart, might decide to get back into contact with you again.Try not to get your hopes up too much yet, just focus on yourself and other things in your life that make you happy.It sounds to me like your ex made very rash, sudden decisions without really thinking it through. There comes a point in mental illness when you realise that you're just driving your loved ones away and destroying their happiness too (I know this from personal experience, of nearly loosing my relationship because of my terrible mood swings) you realise that you must get your shit together to keep those you love in life, and that's what I did.So just give it time and see what happens, remember that you're human too, with emotions and you can experience dark, difficult and sad times too and sometimes the one who is giving the cuddles, need cuddles themselves.I really hope you find someone who will treat you as well as you did your ex.It will become less painful after time passes, but the bottom line is to give yourself the space and freedom you need to focus on yourself again.Good Luck x
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