A
female
age
30-35,
*upid_or_Stupid
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been together for just over a year. For the last month or two he's become distant. We don't have sex anymore except on "special occasions". Whenever we're together he constantly has his head in his phone or he's "tired" so we hardly ever speak. He used to tell me I was beautiful etc all the time but that has stopped now. It seems like he hardly even looks at me.Recently my self esteem has disappeared because I don't feel special to him anymore, I feel like he's become too used to me and I'm just another person in his life. He stopped seeming interested in having sex with me since I've put on a bit of weight which has naturally made me feel worse about myself. He assures me he doesn't care how I look but it doesn't help. I love him so much even though I'm unhappy I'd be so much more unhappy without him so I don't want to break up.I've explained how I feel but nothing's changed. He will tell me I am special and that's all. He doesn't make me feel it though.I'm losing sleep over it because I feel so unwanted and unloved and I sometimes even feel like I'm just in the way of his life. Because we were in a LDR (he currently lives with me in the weeks and goes home on the weekends) if I ask him to stay here one weekend because of something or other he makes it seem like it's such an inconvenience.I don't know why he's being so distant, it's completely out of character for him because he has always been quite clinging and affectionate. I just want our relationship back. We used to be perfect.Please helpThanks
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female
reader, Cupid_or_Stupid +, writes (5 December 2012):
Cupid_or_Stupid is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks So Very Confused. I was thinking about doing that. Maybe it's for the best for now.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (5 December 2012):
 ah ok... I see now... yep I agree it's family pressure.
that's hard to deal with..
If you have talked and told him how you feel and he can't give you want you want... perhaps you need to let him go home full time for a bit and miss you enough to see what he's missing.
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A
female
reader, Cupid_or_Stupid +, writes (5 December 2012):
Cupid_or_Stupid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for your answers.
He openly lends me his phone to play games etc and I'll even go off with it for a while. I've had a look and it's all just messages from friends and family. I've seen quite a few on there from family members telling him "She can wait, this is a career we're talking about" and when he's said "Can't come home I'm working" he's gotten "Well this is more important" as a reply. It seems his family are hugely pressuring him.
I go back with him quite frequently and I'm usually the only girl when we go out with his mates, apart from occasionally a mate's girlfriend will be there.
We've had yet ANOTHER talk, yet he still remains distant, ALTHOUGH he has stopped going on his phone around me.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (4 December 2012):
 He doesn't want to get attached himself for the fear of abandonment. Some people project feelings they don't want to acknowledge onto other people. They go through a cycle of attaching and detaching, making sure they don't go too far and lose themselves. You are hooked onto him because he was very nice at the beginning. That is to ensure that you will find it hard to leave him. When he feels he is going to lose you he will lure you in by being sweet again. But believe me, this cycle will continue for a long time until he burns himself out and breaks many hearts.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 December 2012):
OP,
Even with anxiety his behavior with the phone and when he’s with you screams that he’s keeping a secret. Have you asked to see what’s on his phone? If so what happens? Does he get angry and defensive and try to say you are not trusting him? IF so, BIG HUGE RED FLAG that you don’t’ want to see waving.
Just because you were his first does not mean you will be his last. GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF THE SAND.
“he’s keeping his distance so I don’t’ get too attached to him..” HOW NICE of HIM to be so WORRIED ABOUT YOU… it’s BS dear.
Why don’t you go home with him for a visit this weekend?
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A
female
reader, Cupid_or_Stupid +, writes (3 December 2012):
Cupid_or_Stupid is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies.I didn't mention he has anxiety which might change things a bit. He's admitted he does get homesick.I'd find it almost impossible to believe he is cheating because I have been his only ever girlfriend and all his family and friends have said it's such a huge deal he's met someone he actually wants to be with. He was a virgin before me etc. So to think he might be cheating just seems so unreal to who/how he is. But I'm not saying it's definitely not happening.I'm not so much worried about him moving back home because I realise that maybe now is the wrong time for living together. Maybe we both need to sort out some stuff on our own first. He lives here for work at the moment but it's casual so he could go home whenever he wants.Since posting this question I've talked to him again and he said he's keeping his distance so I don't get too attached to him being here because he knows it isn't permanent. He does want to go home after a while. My head isn't in the best of places right now so I don't really know if that makes sense as a reason.I don't know how to make him realise that it's hurting me though. I'm okay with him wanting to go home. But I'm not okay with not having a real relationship with him anymore. I want my sex life back, I want my best friend back. How do I bring him closer again without him thinking he's going to keep hurting me?Sorry for more questions.Thanks again
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (3 December 2012):
 I too would be concerned. Warning bells are ringing quite loudly. SOMETHING or SOMEONE is up. I am sorry to tell you that it sounds like he's going home to SOMEONE on the weekends. He's showing all the signs of cheating....doesn't show affection, disinterest, constantly glued to the phone. Why does he want to go home so badly? Why not ask to go home with him and see how he reacts? I'm so sorry sweetie..but it really sounds like there might be three of you in the picture.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 December 2012):
Some things that popped out to me:
“For the last month or two he's become distant.”
“We don't have sex anymore except on "special occasions".”
“Whenever we're together he constantly has his head in his phone or he's "tired" so we hardly ever speak.”
All of these things happen… but the KEY to me is this:
“Because we were in a LDR (he currently lives with me in the weeks and goes home on the weekends) if I ask him to stay here one weekend because of something or other he makes it seem like it's such an inconvenience.”
Sadly leads me to say this: “there is someone else at home on the weekends” Does he stay with you for work/school? And then he leaves on the weekends for FUN?
If he stays with you during the week.. and goes home on weekends, well then there’s something at home on the weekends that draws him away from you. I think he may have a bit of something (or someone) on the side…
Now as to your SELF-esteem honey.. it’s called SELF-esteem for a reason. The fact that you let someone else dictate how you feel about yourself is not good. Just because he does not want to have sex with you does not make you unworthy. HIS bad behavior is ON HIM….
Words mean nothing. Actions mean everthing.
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