A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have recently started seeing a guy. Both of us have been through a divorce approximately 10 years ago for each of us. I am taking things very slowly with him, but he has said several times, "Don't break my heart. Promise me you won't break my heart." Then just today, he sent a text, asking me to promise on my child's life, that I would not break his heart.I'm a bit speechless. He is kind of dramatic, and I do know in his past he has suffered deep rejection. However, I don't know what to say to him now.What would you say, and anyone have any clues as to why he would be saying this? Is it manipulation of some sort? I'm a bit nervous.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2021): Whoa, talk about abandonment issues?!!
Go look up "psycho" in the dictionary, and see if his picture appears next to the definition!
My dear, you're getting a flashing neon red-flag waved in your face; and I would be terrified of someone begging me to make a pledge on the life of my child!!! Does that mean he takes possession of your kid to offer-up as a sacrifice as a penalty for your breech of contract??? THAT'S NUTS!!! If the alarm bells aren't going-off on this one, I don't know what it would take to set them off!
Promise on the life of your kid....whaaaaaat???!!!
Girlfriend, can we talk?
Nothing is scarier than a male drama queen! Your life will be like a hammy reality-TV show for days!
Here's what you can say. Humor is often a good way to diffuse any tensions when you're dealing with people who seem a bit...melodramatic! "Hey, I won't make you any promises I'm not sure I can keep, but I will do my best; provided you don't make anymore scary comments like that about my kid in the future!" Let him ponder on that a little bit. Your baby is not a bargaining chip!
Seriously! I think you should pass. If what he suggested didn't shock you, I am absolutely certain you wouldn't be here posting about it!
Thus is the modern-world of dating, sister!
You have to have a steel-backbone, a thick skin, a titanium resolve, and an iron-gut! You can't be prissy and soft! You have to be able to ask weirdos to take a walk! Don't be afraid to back-out. The sooner the better! You've got to be patient, and meticulously sort through the fruit and nuts out there! Don't allow yourself to believe your options are fewer when you're over 30! Settling for the son of Satan IS NOT better than being alone!
So many really good single-ladies over the age of 35 tend to tolerate too much mess from men; and lower their standards and criteria, because they think men only want perky-breasted 20-something year-old chickadees! It's okay to wish! Reality check, men have no better luck in the dating scene than women do! Please don't be one of those desperate women! Cynicism and low opinions towards males will backfire on you! There are sensible well-adjusted mature-men looking for good-women working their way towards you ladies! They're wading their way through a horde of dingbats and crazies just like you are!
If only you don't give-up too soon! It's better to be picky/particular and prolong your singleness; than to find yourself wondering "God how do I get myself out of this mess?!!" If you find the right-guy, it will last! You're not just searching for yourself, your choices affect your child! I need not remind you!
A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (3 March 2021):
 I agree with the other aunts here, he has got some serious insecurities, and is manipulating you.
You have only just started seeing this guy, and even in these early stages there are already major red flags.
Not that your going to, but what if you made that promise and 6 months down the line you come to the realisation that he is not for you?.
He is totally wrong on all levels to even ask this of you. He has got some serious issues that need addressing. I don't feel this is something that you can talk to him about and in two weeks time all will be ok.
He is not ready to be dating, and should not have entered into a relationship with you.
He has crossed the line with what he asked of you, and i think that your best option would be to end this relationship and move on.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (3 March 2021):
 This is one of those times when I believe it would really pay you to trust your gut instinct. It sounds like you already know that this is a manipulation tactic. It possibly stems from fear or insecurity, but this in no way excuses his behavior.
He cannot hold you to account for what others may or may not have done to him, and you are not his savior so don't feel you have to make up to him for how others have treated him. He is a prime example of the saying, "if you don't heal what hurt you, you'll bleed on people who didn't cut you". He needs to get over what happened in the past, otherwise you (or anyone else he dates) will end up paying for it.
My advice? Tell him you don't feel comfortable making any such promises, as there are never any guarantees in life, then leave him to sort himself out. He needs to work on himself before he gets involved with anyone else.
In addition, anyone who asks you to swear on your child's life that you will not "break their heart" (i.e. leave them) needs to be discarded rapidly. This is already an unhealthy relationship. Don't waste any more time on it.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 March 2021):
 It is a form of manipulation.
He is doing the "wounded bird" approach. That someone in the past has hurt him and now YOU must be his savior and never do wrong and never hurt him.
You can't MAKE that promise. He can't make that promise. No one can.
We can make the promise of being open and honest. To BE a good, kind, and loving partner.
I would tell him you can't make that promise. Certainly not on your child's life, I mean wtf?
What he is trying to do is basically manipulate you into feeling so sorry for him that you will keep seeing him even if you don't REALLY want to. Not good. Definitely a red flag.
Personally, this guy would be a no-go for me. That is not healthy. And you don't OWE him to never break his heart. You can't. Because it might BE that HE feels his heart will break if you want to go on holiday with just your kid to visit your family (let's say) Or you want to spend Christmas with your sister and her family, not him. You know what I mean?
You are in the get to know me phase. He shows a HUGE red flag, you can either address it or not. But he will keep pushing his "rules" on you if you keep accepting them and you play into them by agreeing.
Not OK for him to suggest you "promise on your child's life". No, just no. You can call it "dramatic" it's more than that, it's PROBLEMATIC.
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