A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend a couple of years. We've lived together for half of that and have a dog that we both love.I've always struggled with insecurity and anxiety and have been let down a lot, which I'm getting counselling for but the one thing that I really struggle with is how different me and my boyfriend are when it comes to dealing with arguments. My boyfriend needs headspace so I often have to go to stay at my mums and won't hear a word from him. I respect his space but struggle so much and feel it's a punishment but when I try to talk to him it makes it worse. I like to talk and try to resolve things which obviously is not helpful to him. I know my anxiety drives him up the wall but I really struggle with this. Anyone else have the same issues when it comes to differences with their partner? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2021): If you have a clinically-diagnosed anxiety disorder, he's not backing-off for his sake; he's giving you space to pull-it together.
I have to be the broken-record, or my own echo; and repeat what I say here at DC time and time again. Technically, you're really still a kid; and you have to mature a bit to be able to deal with the trauma after you've been hurt by someone; and learn to understand where guys are coming from. I warn you, this will be a long one!
Insecurities kill relationships!
If you've been traumatized emotionally by a previous breakup, maybe you're a victim of emotional-abuse, you've been cheated-on repeatedly; or you've endured a series of failed-relationships. You always seem to fall for the wrong-person, or get attached too quickly. Loneliness or despair may drive you to quickly seek comfort in yet another relationship. You probably feel lost in space when you're not paired-off with somebody. That might be a sign of a lack of self-confidence and immaturity; or you have an emotional-dependency on other people to validate you, and make you feel safe. You seek refuge in being with guys; because you don't really know how to be an independent-woman. You've made him your reason for breathing. That's a burden too heavy to carry at his age!
Independence is the only way you'll grow self-confidence; and veer away from dependency on others. Especially, on men! You need that down-time to seek your education, develop your career-skills, set your goals; and
for working on your personal-issues. You aren't ready for anything too serious, or too heavy. You need some time to work on yourself. He's not equipped to handle whatever problems you're going through.
I'm going to elaborate on what I'm suggesting here; but I'm speaking in generalities. I'm not accusing you of anything, or implying all your relationship problems are your fault. I'm offering you the benefit of wisdom and experience. You don't have much experience, if you're under 25 years-old! Let me offer you some home-spun advice, sweetheart.
Hey, I took two years off after ending a 28-year relationship that dated back to when I was just a teenager. My partner died of cancer. I had to do it again after someone dumped me.
I had to learn that I have no right to hold anyone in psychological-captivity; while I wack-out on them! If my issues can't be managed, I have no business in a relationship.
You can't expect a boyfriend or a girlfriend to "fix" you! Driving them nuts, because you can't control your anxieties isn't fair...it's almost cruel! You can still date for fun and companionship; but you can't commit to anything long-term and intense! Not until you can put forth your best self, and expect no less in return. Your past dealings with exes is your business, and nobody's problem BUT YOURS!!! If you can't deal with his roving-eyes, or too much contact with his exes. Then let him go! You can't nag or tongue-lash him into submission and obedience.
Maybe you're a victim of family-dysfunction, battling divorced-parents, or were abused (emotionally, or physically) as a child. If that affects how you interact with people; then maybe being in a steady relationship is too much for you. Relationships are not a form of therapy, or a place to hide; they are complicated romantic-interactions with people, who want to date and be with you exclusively. You want to be a couple, and fall in-love. They are not responsible for making you feel better about yourself. You should be a whole-person, self-aware, and confident; before you commit to a relationship. Otherwise, it will surely fail! You need maturity to deal with disagreements and disappointment. They happen frequently in young-relationships.
Just going into therapy is insufficient. Most people just use that as an excuse. "I can't help it, I have anxiety-issues; but I'm in therapy!" I guess that's supposed to mean they're supposed to put-up with your mess when you lose-it??? You might progress well enough for dating; but you better be full-functioning before you drag somebody into a relationship. Not while you're still in recovery, and under repair.
There comes a point in your life when you have to take a time-out from dating and being in relationships. You have to do some introspection, and tend to your psychological and emotional wounds. You can't just go jump feet-first right into a another relationship; because you think you'll find someone to rescue you. From whom or what? Yourself?
Surely by now you know the source or triggers of your anxiety and insecurity. If you're blaming them on other people, particularly your exes...or him; you're only going to prolong the problem. If every-time you get into a relationship, and it ends badly; baby, it ain't just the other guy...it's YOU! They can't spend hour after hour reassuring you; while pandering to your worries or suspicions! Trying in all futility to convince you they care for you, or won't leave you. Having to account for their every moment away from you; or drown in your smothering and clinginess, because you're terrified of abandonment; or jealous, and afraid he must be seeing someone else.
First of all, you have to wonder why you can't move on or get-over an ex, or past relationships, when it has probably been months or years? If somebody really messed-up your head, forgo committing to another relationship. Get over the ex (or exes) first! Allow the past to fade into history, and live in the present. You can't tell the future, so why worry about it?
If you jumped from one relationship into the next, you've never had a chance to completely recover from the last one! All you'll do is drag all that baggage, your trust-issues, and paranoia right into the life of someone who only wants to care about you. If that person is nothing but a source of stress and aggravation; you've got to learn when it's time to let him go! Especially, if he's making you sick!
Can you really expect anybody to have to suffer through your anxiety-disorder, when you can't manage it yourself?
Sometimes it's just drama! It's not always symptomatic of your clinical-disorder. People sometimes resort to using their clinically-diagnosed mental-health issues as an excuse to get-away with bad-behavior! Sometimes they're just spoiled or entitled-people; who get frustrated, because they can't contort or manipulate reality to fit their fantasies and unrealistic-expectations. They demand too much from people, and they don't know how to just let things go!
He seems to be getting frustrated, and his only option is to runaway from you.
He can't deal with your insecurities; because he's too young, and he wants things just to be normal. He's just a boyfriend, not your husband. Young-women tend to treat their first real relationships like a marriage; they take them entirely too seriously.
Guys aren't quite as mature psychologically as their young female-counterparts at the same age; and they really can't take relationships that seriously, and still feel like they're having a good-time. They're doing their best getting used to the mature-concept of dating one, and only one, girl at a time! They want to have their knuckleheaded guy-friends, go buck-wild now and then; and might get into trouble by flirting with other girls. They're not always psychologically-mature enough to know any better; and it will drive you crazy when you feel you can't trust him! They have to learn more about the value of trust. While you have to learn that you still have to offer him some trust, at your own risk; if you want to keep the good-guys around!
Let him have his breathing-room. If he takes too many breaks, or takes too long; that might mean he's having a tough time with things. Maybe he doesn't know how to breakup with you; without you going all to pieces. You're both very young, and this relationship might have hit its expiration-date. Maybe it's time to part ways! Shudder to think, but that could be the case! Deal with it!
If you're using your "anxiety" as a tool of manipulation. It won't work.
He'll start to realize that's the case. Sooner or later, you're going to need to let-go; because once he has had enough, he will just give-up and go. If you wig-out, and let yourself go to pieces; then you weren't strong enough to handle a relationship. It's natural that you should feel pain, grief, and loss; but if you come apart, you were in over your head! He'll have to leave to save himself; and to avoid inflicting pain beyond what you can handle, and might be making you sick!
I tried to cover several possible scenarios; but the key-point is that people can only take so much when you can't hold-it together; or when you demand too much of them. If they are wrong for you, you can't hold them hostage hoping to change them to be what you want them to be. You have to let-go, deal with the grief of loss, and grow-up. It's not his job to deal with your anxiety or insecurities; and it's not your job to stress yourself out trying to be somebody for him that you are not!
A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (3 March 2021):
 Two posts in a row where the saying "if you don't heal what hurt you, you'll bleed on people who didn't cut you" applies.
Why are you so anxious and insecure? Does your boyfriend give you reason to feel insecure? Do you trust him? Or is this all based on what has happened with other people? If the former, then you need to ask yourself if this relationship is right for you. Having a partner should enrich your life, not make it more difficult. If your insecurity is based on your past, then you need to heal yourself and not blame your boyfriend for the actions of others.
Being a person who prefers "headspace" when I have fallen out with someone, I can understand your boyfriend's desire to be away from you. However, that does not give him the right to make you move out. He should go and take the dog for a walk, or go for a drive, not expect you to go to your mum's.
Just a thought: if he isn't capable of discussing your differences, how about you write him a letter, explaining your side of the argument so he can read it when he is ready? Just something to try.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2021): Hi OP. I commend you. It is good thing that you are getting counselling. Keep with it. You need to talk to a third party on an ongoing basis. I am curious. Has your therapist recommended any medication? It is important for you to know that you cannot make your boyfriend your therapist. That is not his burden to bear. He needs not to be involved in your treatment. So, keep that up.
Now, as for the anxiety, it is a very difficult condition to live with for the person who is afflicted. Oftentimes those around us who are affected complain and feel suffocated or pull away due to your anxiety. What they do not realize is how difficult it is for YOU to have to deal with it on a daily basis. So, it is rather selfish of them to think of themselves, and then PUNISH you for it. I do believe his wanting space is a form of punishment for you. And you are justified to feel that way. His wanting space only serves to make your anxiety worse and just perpetuates a vicious cycle. Whether it is a conscious or subconscious act on his part to get away from you, I do not know. But what I do know is by his leaving you, he is creating MORE anxiety in you and creating MORE problems. You feel less secure and that he loves you less/is losing interest, causing you to cling more to him, seek his reassurance more, and unload even more emotions onto him. He does not see the big picture. He just wants to get away to alleviate the stress or whatever he is feeling at the time. He is not seeing how his need for space is driving you over the edge. When the one we love is being driven away, we chase them more. Even if it is us who starts the cycle. Often we do not mean to. But there are underlying issues that need to be identified and dealt with to stop the cycle before it is too late. Oftentimes, people give up. They get tired of the circles. And just leave. They do not get the proper help. And often it is both people who need to be in therapy together as both contribute to the problem. And when someone leaves, sadly they may question that decision later. They could have fought harder. They could have tried harder. Anxiety is a mental health issue. It is not who a person is. The person can be wonderful and amazing on all levels but when anxiety takes over, it takes on a life of its own and just drowns out all the good things about a person. It is easy for the partner to forget who they fell in love with. And all the reasons why. All they see is anxiety. But anxiety is not who a person is. Anxiety is an intruder. Intruders are not meant to stay around.
What he is in fact doing is running away. He does not know how to deal with it, so he escapes. That is wrong. He may see no other way of coping at the time but he is only putting a band aid on a cut. He is alienating you even further and further damaging your relationship. Why? Because you feel more insecure with him and you feel less safe with him. You feel as if you cannot express your vulnerability anymore. That you cannot rely on him for support. You cannot rely on him for understanding. These are all very important. We need to rely on our partners. And when he needs space, he is, in fact abandoning you. And in relationships, we do not abandon our partners when things get difficult or complicated. It seems selfish of him but on the other side of the coin, he may really not know how to handle it, so he separates himself from the situation. But what happens when he comes back? Eventually the same thing happens. And he leaves again? Because you are not dealing with the problem at hand. You are not communicating. You are not solving it. You need to work through it together, no matter how hard. Escaping is not the answer. It will further alienate the both of you. In time, your bond will break when both parties feel they are not being understood or supported by the other. I do believe the best solution is joint counselling. He needs to know how to cope JUST as much as YOU do. It cannot be a one sided fix. As you are both in this TOGETHER. You need to know how to cope with each other in order to manage the anxiety and keep things balanced. You need to find the joy in each other and all the good things you share again. You have allowed the negatives to outweigh the positives. But that does not mean the positives have disappeared, never to be found again. They are there, just waiting to be rediscovered. You cannot do that with the specter of anxiety looming over you.
Why is it you are so anxious? What happened in your past that has caused you anxiety which carried over into your relationship? I want you to ask yourself a question. Is there anything your boyfriend does or did that has caused you this anxiety? Is he responsible for it in any way? Be honest with yourself. Because if the anxiety is his fault, for example, you think he is dishonest, or cheating or not committed to you, then you would have reason to be anxious, and then would need to consider leaving the relationship to be happy and whole again.
But yes, it is difficult. Because both sides have needs and instead of working together, they pull away from each other, feeling misunderstood and unsupported by the other. It takes communication and working on it together to get through it. Unfortunately, many take the easy way out. They escape or ignore or leave the relationship, looking for someone else. Which can be premature because maybe if they realized that their partner was who they wanted all along, if they could treat the anxiety, they could truly be happy. Maybe someone new might not have anxiety but not make them as happy as their partner did before the anxiety became too much to handle? If you really love something, would you rather not work on it than find something else which is easier but they could never share the connection you and your partner have?Things worth having are worth fighting for. We give up too easily these days. It is not so easy to find someone special. It is easy to find sex. But in the end, that is meaningless and empty compared to someone who has the whole package.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 March 2021):
 So did you move in with him?
Is that why YOU get "banished" after an argument?
I can totally see why you feel you get punished. I would feel the same way, and I'm the kind of person who needs a bit of "head-space".
Long term, I don't think it's realistic that he NEEDS you to leave to work through a dissdagrement. That's ridiculous. Even if it IS his house/flat/apartment.
However, I have to ask if these are arguments you start based on your insecurities. Like, who did you talk to? are you cheating on me? Where did you go? As in the kind of questions that are NOT helping your relationship either.
I get that you have had some negative experiences in your past - Honey, WE ALL HAVE. But you can't let those experiences control your life, dictate how you now think EVERYONE behaves. You know that is unreasonable for you to punish him for what someone ELSE did to you.
So yes, you need to work on WHY you are so insecure. And you need to perhaps THINK a lot more before you accuse to start an argument that is fear-based with no roots in the actual situation.
Women like to solve arguments by talking. Not all men do. So if he doesn't want to meet you halfway to figure out how to solve this, you two will continue this dance ad nauseam. No one wants that.
I think you should tell him (when there isn't an argument going on) that you would like to work on getting better at solving issues WITH him. That you feel like having to go home to your parents so HE can get space feels like a punishment and makes the overall situation WORSE for you.
And I think (perhaps) you also need to consider a therapist. It's not your BF's job to fix your issues. It's your job. And a therapist can help. Someone to talk to who can help you let go of the past.
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