A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So my best friend told me over the Christmas holidays that he has liked me for a long time but never had the courage which was fantastic because I really liked him too. We started hanging out more at school and going to the movies. I was still sort of confused as to what we were so one day he came over to my house and we were cuddling in my bed watching a movie and I asked him what we were doing and he said he wanted a relationship but not to be boyfriend/girlfriend. Since we had been best friends he didn't want to ruin our friendship by a bad break up. We made out for a bit after and cuddled more and everything was fine. We continued to have fun and things were great and then we got more serious when he would come over. We have now had sex four times, the most previous one being two days ago on Valentines Day. After we had sex he said how amazing it was and how great I am but then yesterday didn't talk to me until 10 pm. He's starting to be really distant and not himself. I really wanted this to work but if it isn't I don't want to lose him as a friend. What is he thinking and how should I go about this problem?
View related questions:
best friend, christmas Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (17 February 2013):
 hey sweetie.seems to me he was being somewhat manipulative by saying he wanted a relationship but not to be boyfriend/girlfriend. honestly, what's the difference between a relationship and being boyfriend/girlfriend? that's confusing to me, right there. but also, he is implying that you haven't already crossed the line/threshold of what could already potentially ruin your friendship.to me, once two friends makeout and especially have sex, it immediately complicates things. one person inevitably feels more for the other, etc. so you don't have to put the title of boyfriend/girlfriend on your relationship to ruin your friendship.no one can really speculate what is really going on in his head. but based on the fact that he doesn't want to be your boyfriend doesn't sound too good to me. =/be cautious with your heart. maybe you should stop sleeping with him and try to get back to normal friends. good luck and keep us posted!
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 February 2013):
 TO you what does "i want to be boyfriend/girlfriend but not have a relationship" mean??
to me it means FWB... or fuck buddies
in other words he wants sex but no commitment.. that means he does not have to account to you for his actions, or locations.
He'll be around when he wants sex... that's it....
if you want more than FWB, I'm sorry but it's not there for him... you're good enough to hang out with and have sex with but not good enough to be more....
and he told you this before you guys had sex....
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (16 February 2013):
 Having sex with a guy before you are in a committed relationship never ends well for the girl.
Youwish is right...as soon as he said he didn't want to be boyfriend/girlfriend, you should have gotten up and walked away. That way he would have known that you arn't a cheap girl who lets guys mess her around.
Doesn't matter how much you like him or treasure his friendship...once you have sex, the friendship part turns into 'person i can have no strings sex with'
If you want any chance of salvaging anything, totally ignore him and if he comes around banging on your door to find out what happened, let him know that the sex was a mistake and from now on you are looking for someone who wants to be in a committed relationship with you.
In my opinion, young ladies who have sex with guys without any formal commitment or declaration of relationship are cheating themselves out of finding a true and loving relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 February 2013):
 Oh man.. You've been fooled big time. This guy, I guess he's the same age as you? He basically doesn't respect you, because if he did he would NEVER tell you to have a "relationship without being a girlfriend". A man who actually cares for you, and respects you, would honour you by being officially together. It's either you're together, or you're NOT together. Simple as that. Now this guy, who you call a friend, only wanted to fool around with you and basically he used you. That's not what he'll tell you to your face, but that's what he's done.
He wanted a fuck friend, basically. He never wanted a relationship, he told you so. It would never "work out" because he never wanted it to work out! If he wanted to be with you he'd be with you, it's not that complicated. Instead, he took advantage of you.
He's being distant now because he's not your true friend. A true friend wouldn't use you like he did. He's not interested in being your friend, because if he was a true friend he'd not want to fool around with you.
Sorry, but this is basically whats going on. Why else do you think he's distant? If he was in love with you and genuinely wanted you as his girlfriend then he'd have told you so, and you'd have been his girlfriend. Instead, he secretly fooled around with you and had sex with you, and then he just leaves. Who knows, he probably has other women he wants to sleep with, which is why he didn't want to commit to you.
I say, open your eyes and cut him out. He's not worth you throwing away your self respect.
I think, if you're not sure if I'm correct, that you should call him right now. Ask him "do you want to be my boyfriend?". And then hear what he has to say. If he only wants you as a friend: FRIENDS don't sleep with one another.
And no, after having had sex you can't go back to being friends the way you used to. It never works.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (16 February 2013):
 Yeah, the moment he said "I want a relationship but not to be boyfriend/girlfriend" should have been the moment you left his bed and never let him touch you.
He wanted to use you for sex, which is no good. He's being distant because he doesn't want a relationship. He wants to use your feelings for him to have sex, which is not a true friend.
You have too many feelings for him to be friends with benefits, and now that sex has entered the picture, you can never get back the friendship you once had. Best to chalk this up to a hard lesson, stop sleeping with him, and tell him you don't want to be used.
Whatever you do, don't dare make the mistake of assuming that your sexual activities might one day lead to a proper relationship. It won't.
...............................
|
