A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,Me and my boyfriend of 1 year and 2 months, broke up nearly six months ago now, but have remained friends since.His reasons for the breakup were that he wanted to concentrate on himself (his family, studies etc).For many of these months I was constantly upset around him and depressed, but then I managed to teach myself to be normal around him. Things got better, but we started having sex again.There were times when I did things where he would have never spoken to me again, but he said for some reason something made him contact me.Then one time I got really drunk in front of him and he didn't talk to me for about 2 weeks, whereby during this period we had no sexual contact. Eventually I contacted him and we started talking again.Then recently (a few weeks ago) the sex started again, and then he asked me my views on us still having sex, so I told him how i felt, and alot of questions were answered. I explained that I felt used and that I was only doing it to make him happy, as i knew it was the only way i could be close to him. He said he felt really bad and it was all his fault. He thought we were both doing it just for some fun. Since this talk, 2 weeks ago no sexual contact has occured but we still see each other often.He said before that he told me there was never any possiblilty of us being together again, but he only said it so i would accept the situation.I explained that you can never say never, and he then said that he honestly doesn't know if theres a posibility. But when i started to blame myself for the breakup, he said it was more his fault because i was willing to make compromises but he wasn't. He said he wasn't ready for an adult relationship whereas i was, and when the going got tough he couldn't handle it.He also mentioned that there was obviously still going to be an attraction.He said that he thought i had moved on.. as i was getting on with things and he was happy with me.I told him that i was just trying to give him space and he said that he appreciated that.I don't understand why he still wants to be friends... we speak on a regular basis and he speaks to me and sees me more than most of his friends. I don't even think he has told his family yet..as i still come round.In reality what are the chances that couples can remain friends, i know that i can never just be his friend, because i don't see him like that, i still love him and will never be able to look at him differently. But i can't not have him in my life at all!Why is he behaving like this? Does he still care? Does he really only want to be friends or does he just want time to do his own thing? Will he ever take me back?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): I think he is using you as the others have suggested. I know exactly how you feel because I have been in the same situation as you very recently. My ex said the same things about wanting to concentrate on his own life before settling down and did not want a serious relationship as i did. But he wanted to remain friends. I tried at first but ultimately I what i wanted from him was so opposite to friendship that i felt i couldn't move on and stop loving him whilst we were still friends and much as it killed me I told him I no longer wanted contact. I am on day three of that and it is hard but i think it would be best for you.
He is using you, and you need to get angry with him-maybe not to his face but within yourself. He is trying to have his cake and eat it. Even if you are not having sex, he is emotionally using you by maintaining the security that having you around brings. He knows that you feel a lot for him and will probably not stop loving him whilst you remain friends and he wants to stay friends for this reason so that he has someone to fall back on when he feels a bit lonely or needs to feel loved as he knows you will always be there!! In the meantime though he can go out and look for something which is in his eyes better and when he finds this person you will be more heartbroken than ever as you will feel that you waited around for nothing, wasted your time and will feel betrayed yet he will not be answerable as he had told you his intentions!!
I know it is hard to accept that the person you love and who you thought loved you would treat you like this but ask yourself what other explanation is there for his behaviour? Why if he doesn't want to lose you is he not in a relationship with you? When a guy says they are not ready to commit, it usually means they are not ready or prepared to give everything up to comitt to YOU, I'm sorry that sounds harsh but many girls get their hearts broken in this way. The best thing you can do is not dwell on it and give yourself the chance of meeting someone who does want to commit to you with no questions! x
A
female
reader, bittersweetchicka  +, writes (3 February 2009):
What about YOU*Although right now he seems like he is who you want. Really due you think you deserve, to be in a relationship (freind or more) in the place where you are sitting today. If he knew you would have a hard break up then he would have done it more swift. I think he likes the attention you give and you make him feel good about himself, but in saying that your placing yourself in a spot where it is hurting you. Let him go and move on to somthen better for YOU. Also read Eros bittersweet i think its by ann carson - check it out and you will see why..
good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2009): Well, I hate to tell you this but you are in a non-committed relationship and you are wanting more, you want the security of an exclusive one on one relationship and official notice to the world that you are indeed a couple.
What you have is the left overs of a relationship that should have all but ended long ago, the occassional bump and grind and the resultant guilty feelings that go along with that.
It all depends on what you want. You don't sound happy with this situation the way it is at all....look at your words posted here, if you could read this objectively, if your best girlfriend told you this, what would you tell her?
[Then recently (a few weeks ago) the sex started again, and then he asked me my views on us still having sex, so I told him how i felt, and alot of questions were answered. I explained that I felt used and that I was only doing it to make him happy, as i knew it was the only way i could be close to him. He said he felt really bad and it was all his fault. He thought we were both doing it just for some fun. Since this talk, 2 weeks ago no sexual contact has occured but we still see each other often.
He said before that he told me there was never any possiblilty of us being together again, but he only said it so i would accept the situation. (huh? he said there was NEVER ANY POSSIBILITY OF US BEING TOGETHER AGAIN--what part of that do you not understand?)
I explained (what I thought and why) and he then said that he honestly doesn't know if theres a posibility.(BS meter going off here, he is letting you down easy) But when i started to blame myself ... He (AGAIN REPEATING HIMSELF) said he wasn't ready for an adult relationship whereas i was, and when the going got tough he couldn't handle it....He also mentioned that there was obviously still going to be an attraction. (DUH, HE JUST WANTS TO KEEP THE SEXUAL FUN PART GOING)]
So if you are willing to keep having sex with him without a commitment, then why wouldn't he want to remain "friends"....he is having sex without the responsibility of a relationship. Is this what you are happy doing? If so, stop whining about it, and date some other guys for goodness sake. He isn't asking you for your fidelity and you have every right to date some other guys, maybe you will actually find one who wants to be just with you, but you better dump this loser before you get sexually intimate with someone else.
If you are obsessed with getting this guy back as your exclusive boyfriend you are beating a dead horse and a few other things, stop being friends with your ex. You do not owe this to him. To completely get over a guy who is yanking your heartstrings, number one, you stop having sex with him because it keeps you bonded, you stop hanging out with him, you stop letting him call you or text you or email....you cut off all contact for a very long time if not forever....because once you have a romance it is almost impossible to be friends, one or the other of you is going to want more and end up getting rejected all over again....this guy has told you, he does not want a relationship with you, possibly not with anyone, and you are just being kept around for security and sex and that isn't really fair to you, now is it?
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