A
female
age
36-40,
*anib763
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together about 2 years (in May). I am 4 1/2 months pregnant with his child. For the first part of our relationship he was an abusive alcoholic (up until he became sober 4 months ago). 3 times he destroyed my home, he damaged my car, he's gone so low as to write personal things about me on bathroom walls in a bar he basically lived at. I stuck by him. I knew this wasn't him. I kicked him out, only to forgive because he was suicidal, and desperately wanted to get sober. I found rehab, I got in touch with a counselor, I gave him the information he needed, and even offered to finance his rehabilitation - because he needed it! I stuck by him through all of this pain, because I loved him. Now he's sober.We found out I was pregnant, he got laid off, we moved in with my father to save money before the baby. I don't feel special. I constantly send him texts, kiss him, tell him how proud I am, tell him how he's such a wonderful person, how he can do anything he wants to do.I feel fat. I'm gaining doe to the pregnancy and I am stressed. I am the only one making any money, I feel ugly, I feel overwhelmed. He does NOTHING to make me feel better. I try and talk things out, I ask him whats wrong, I put effort into the relationship and really want to get this figured out. He just blames everything on me! Literally - he says it's my fault that he ruined everything I owned when he was drunk. It's my fault he damaged my car, because I made him mad. I sent him a text last night that said "I feel like you dont even like who I am anymore, and hate the way I look. Like you are just staying with me, because you can." He replied with "Well you aren't that pleasant to be around, be a little nicer."I treat this man like royalty!!!! He constantly guilt trips me and makes me feel like it's my fault!!! I don't even tell him when Im upset because I am terrified of sending him into a relapse!I don't know what to do anymore. I make the money, I make the money, I make the effort, I stroke his ego, I look for solutions, and he can't even ask why I am in a bad mood? Or even frickin' guess!? It's pretty obvious Im pulling the weight! What am i supposed to do?
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female
reader, Danib763 +, writes (3 February 2009):
Danib763 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFine. I respect your opinions, and yes he is technically an alcoholic.........
But he deserves to be happy. I do too, but I don't think I will be happy a single mother, without him. He is not verbally abusive anymore - he just doesn't talk about how he feels, and when I have hurt feelings he doesn't think they're justified....
He tries to comfort me, but it doesn't seem genuine. Like he's just saying what he thinks I want to hear - I really WANT to hear how he feels about me. Truly. That's it.
A
female
reader, Danib763 +, writes (3 February 2009):
Danib763 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. I am merely asking how supportive other men are in their relationships. He is not an abusive alcoholic! I am not trying to change anyone - simply wondering if I am being too emotional, or if he is being unsupportive. He is NOT abusive, and is NOT a drunk. He knows the rules - if he drinks again, he is OUT. And its already a simple decision in my mind, nothing abusive will be near my child.Maybe I didn't explain it right in my first post - I can't blame you for not knowing what I didn't type. But I have made it clear, that he IS nice, NOT abusive, and is no longer an alcoholic! He is a recovering alcoholic!
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A
female
reader, Danib763 +, writes (3 February 2009):
Danib763 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionObviously I cannot type our whole life story on here. Yes this is between bouts of drinking, and sometimes while he was drinking he was nice.
So just because he was alcoholic, and made the wise decision to sober up, I should not date him. So anyone that has ever had an issue with drinking or drugs, clean or not, should be alone for the rest of their lives???? Silly theory.
He isn't abusive anymore! I just said that. Him not making me feel special has nothing to do with a child. He is wonderful with children, and our pets - I just feel like an emotional wreck who isn't getting supported.
And yes, Lazy Guy, did go to far. Accusations that my boyfriend is going to chop our unborn child into pieces, is TOO FAR.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (3 February 2009):
Oooooh so he hasn't hit you, just made you feel like crap.
That makes it all ok.
I don't think Lazyguy went too far.
I think there are far too many examples of kids being brought up with horrible abusive fathers and mothers who don't leave and keep them there.
How do we know this guy isn't going to get drunk go on a bender and shake your child when it won't stop crying?
You tell us you knew he was wonderful "because he was." I'm assuming this is in between bad mouthing you and destroying you life and all your stuff.
Seriously, if you don't KNOW if this behaviour is bad or not then you really need to get out of this relationship and into a decent one.
We are telling you that this is no place for a child.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Danib763 +, writes (3 February 2009):
Danib763 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLazy Guy -
You pretty much just took that waaaaay too far. Wow. You are appaling.
Sure he says I love you. Sure he kisses me. Just he doesn't go out of his way to SUPPORT me. I want to feel beautiful although I am gaining weight - I want to feel secure in my relationship.
And dont for one second think that I am on of "those" women too naive to take her child out of an abusive situation!! How dare you! He isn't abusive anymore - and when I said abusive I meant verbally!!! He has never gone out and hit me!
I simply don't know if the treatment I am getting is wrong or not. I am told I am loved, but I dont feel its genuine. I don't believe anything he says - even though he doesn't say much besides I love you .....
There's no depth. He doesn't ask what's wrong, or how he can help.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (3 February 2009):
 So, what is so nice about him?
Just how bad has everyone else treated you that you think this guy is nice.
Open your eyes, you mention not a single nice thing about. Nothing, no "I love you's", no romantic gestures, no kindness not even basic politeness.
If he is so nice, why don't you mention a single example?
You see this all to often, women with to much love who get obsessed with the "boyfriend project". You love him and your love will fix him. Tame the bad boy. Heal his pain.
Well, that is alright, I am to old to care anymore wether some woman gets abused. Your life, your choice. Maybe 20 years from now you will see the truth.
But there is soon to be a kid involved and there are FAR to many examples of guys like this taking their "wonderful personalities" out on babies who cry to much. http://nl.wikipedia.org/wiki/Het_Maasmeisje It is in dutch, the story is that of body parts of a 12yr old girl being discovered in the dutch river Maas. Victim of abuse by a guy with a wonderful personality and her mother who stuch with him. Savana, Rowena are just 2 more names. Victims of mothers who thought their partner was such a wonderful guy deep down.
No doubt your own country has similar examples.
By all means, waste your own life, but save that of your child.
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A
female
reader, Danib763 +, writes (3 February 2009):
Danib763 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI knew he was a wonderful person because he was. Yes, he has anger issues and had no clue how to deal with them when he was drunk - obviously, he was drunk. He is a nice guy, but just doesn't put effort into anything. He came from a rich family, who sort of just gave him whatever he wanted. I don't know if he knows how to earn these things - I have just been doing it for so long now, he thinks Ill never go anywhere.
And btw, there is no way I make enough money on my own right now! Haha. I am in the middle of paying off credit cards, maybe nearer to the due date I could do it.....
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A
female
reader, Danib763 +, writes (3 February 2009):
Danib763 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI knew he was a wonderful person because he was. Yes, he has anger issues and had no clue how to deal with them when he was drunk - obviously, he was drunk. He is a nice guy, but just doesn't put effort into anything. He came from a rich family, who sort of just gave him whatever he wanted. I don't know if he knows how to earn these things - I have just been doing it for so long now, he thinks Ill never go anywhere.
And btw, there is no way I make enough money on my own right now! Haha. I am in the middle of paying off credit cards, maybe nearer to the due date I could do it.....
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A
female
reader, Mels  +, writes (3 February 2009):
Leave him. Leave him before he's too late. Before he was an abusive alcoholic, now he's abusive and cruel as sober, which is worse.
He is living off you and your father and what kind of environment will your baby grow up in, if you stay with him?
You should be able to tell him how you feel and he should give you support now that you need it, like you supported him in every way, morally and financially.
If he relapses, it won't be your fault, even though he'll try to make you believe so.
Some ppl have it the easiest way of dumping resposibility for their faults on others: so they can continue in their ways and they can justify their behaviour to themselves.
It is the easy way but they make other ppl's lives hell.
Do it for you baby, leave him and take him back only if he shows some serious effort: e.g. he gets and keeps a job, he starts being nicer to you.
You are gaining weight cause you are pregnant with his child and that should make you the most beautiful woman in the world in his eyes and fill him with pride and respect.
You know what to do, pls walk away before he ruins not only yours, but even your child's life.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (3 February 2009):
Wow you picked a great guy!
You say that when you met him he was an abusive alcoholic who treated you like absolute crap and you took it because you knew he was better deep down...
Just out of interest, how did you know he'd be better when he was sober? Sober men can be absolute abusive arseholes too.
As far as I can see you have made it your place in the relationship to do all the work and take his crap. I really don't get why suddenly now, you expect him to become Prince Charming.
You are making your own money so why do you need him? Do you really think that once a screaming demanding baby comes along it will get any better?
Accept that this guy is a loser and always was and always will be.
Find your self a little place with a garden in a place with nice schools and prepare to raise your child alone. You can chose to be treated like a doormat but the child cannot. You have to put it first and leave him behind if he's not going to be a good influence.
Good Luck!! xx
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