A
male
age
41-50,
*rentLIves
writes:Due to my circumstances to save money for a wedding. Her mother doesn't care if we make it or not. Is that fair? My fiancée is afraid to come out of her room to be around her mom. Because her mother caresses her face behind her back like a baby. My fiancée is 33. Why is she so against us living together just to save money and oh by the way we already tried the marriage license that didn't work out too well. She wasted $90.00. Also we are waiting for the apartment to have somewhere to go to hangout. Her mother is making it difficult.
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female
reader, trekeegirl +, writes (1 December 2013):
I am NOT trying to please her. I just don't want things to end on a bad note, or have a rift between us for the rest of our lives here on earth really.
I personally, have always dreamed of a nice beautiful Catholic wedding at the church I grew up in, I really DO WANT to move into an apartment with my fiancee ASAP, but the ONLY thing is, since I live with my parents and 2 older brothers, I can't exactly move out quietly. My 36 year-old older brother is somewhat of a blabbermouth, we'd have to get him to either go out with his girlfriend or go to her dad's apartment, unless he's working that day. I'd also have to tell my dad so he's not left in the dark.
A
female
reader, trekeegirl +, writes (1 December 2013):
I am NOT trying to please her. I just don't want things to end on a bad note, or have a rift between us for the rest of our lives here on earth really. I personally, have always dreamed of a nice beautiful Catholic wedding at the church I grew up in, I really DO WANT to move into an apartment with my fiancee ASAP, but the ONLY thing is, since I live with my parents and 2 older brothers, I can't exactly move out quietly. My 36 year-old older brother is somewhat of a blabbermouth, we'd have to get him to either go out with his girlfriend or go to her dad's apartment, unless he's working that day. I'd also have to tell my dad so he's not left in the dark.
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male
reader, BrentLIves +, writes (1 December 2013):
BrentLIves is verified as being by the original poster of the question Her mother didn't even bother reading the info that she found about us living together. She said "We'll talk about it later." She mentioned anything about it. And like her mother cares we're trying to be for finacially practical reasons. Like not keep driving so much. Putting wear and tear on my car. I can't afford a new car right now.
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male
reader, BrentLIves +, writes (28 November 2013):
BrentLIves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell I had three other women hurt me. One took advantage of me. Then the other cheated on me. The other like forced me to give me s promise ring on me then kept blowing me off for six weeks. Also I cannot help that I have been hurt so many times before I met my love of my life. I made plans with my future friend to meet her cause I was confused of what is going on. Then the with the ring like never communicated to me. She like wasted my time and energy. I really don't like broken promises. I never broke a single one to anybody. I cried myself to sleep cause of it. My parents encouraged me to meet the one that has been there for me. I don't know what I would do without her.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (27 November 2013):
 YOU need to learn that as an adult you can do things your mom does not approve of.
My husband is estranged from his mom totally I doubt she's be pleased with me as his wife. He does not care.
My younger son and his father and stepmother are fighting right now and not speaking because of his insistence at age 27 that he can date who he pleases regardless of their feelings and it's true he can and should.
DO NOT LIVE YOUR LIFE to please your mother.
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female
reader, trekeegirl +, writes (27 November 2013):
I grew up Catholic, as did my mother, but my mom grew up in a different time. The Catholic Church is even adapting to today's society, in that last night I found out the Pope wants people to be more merciful towards those that cohabitate(live together before marriage) amongst other recent social changes. My mother recently didn't want to accept a printed copy of something I found on the internet from the US Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB), saying "people who cohabitate can't be denied marriage, if it is for something like financial situation." (I tried to give it to her at a therapy session, and my fiancee was there with us). My mom isn't exactly the easiest to approach these days. And we have had many arguments lately, it's like talking to a brick wall with her. My fiancee has tried talking to her and she normally rambles on unless you stop her, as my fiancee can tell you. She even gave us a lecture early on before he became my fiancee about how she felt.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 November 2013):
 Thanks Treekeegirl for the clarification. Then.. it ain't THAT terrroble , is it ? Your fiance' says you are stressing out, but frankly, HE sounds like the one who's stressing out ( unnnecessarily ) about it.
I mean, NOW you don't have a place where to live together , - i.e. you have a housing problem common to many young ( and not so young ) couples, the only possible answer to this dilemma, is, keep trying, keep searching, keep saving. It won't be like that forever !
Even better, if the law says that you must be seizure free for 8 months before applying for a driving licence, and you are already seizure free since a few months, and your illness is being effectively treated and under control... then , in few months , voila',problem solved.
I am not saying that you don't have problems and difficulties , like most people also do, but, it's a matter of few months , and of having patince. True love is patient, they say.
Plus, again, I don't see how your mother has got anything to do with housing shortage, or Wisconsin's laws. WHEN you'll have been able to secure some sort of lodgings for yourselves, then maybe you'll have to argue with her ( regardless of which, you STILL be able to do what you want ). As of now, isn't worryng about your mother's attitude a bit premature ?...
Also, your fiance' wonders why for your mother two unmarried people living together is such a big deal- well, since he mentions " soul "and " temptation " I assume it' s because her religious belief say so. Then wondering why is it such a big deal, is a very naive, in fact, absurd question : because she believes in her religion, and her religion says so ! It's like , I don't know, keeping asking : but WHY Muslims think that drinking alcohol is such a big deal. Because it IS a big deal for them. A huge one.
You don't have to share their beliefs - and you can conduct your life accordingly to your own- but they are sure entitled to have beliefs and don't have to change them to suit your tastes . Ditto goes for your mother ....
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male
reader, BrentLIves +, writes (26 November 2013):
BrentLIves is verified as being by the original poster of the question Exclamation Why did my fiancee's mother doubted me? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well also I had three other women hurt me. One took advantage of me. Then the other cheated on me. The other like forced me to give me s promise ring on me then kept blowing me off for six weeks. Also I cannot help that I have been hurt so many times before I met my love of my life. I made plans with my future friend to meet her cause I was confused of what is going on. Then the with the ring like never communicated to me. She like wasted my time and energy. I really don't like broken promises. I never broke a single one to anybody. I cried myself to sleep cause of it. My parents encouraged me to meet the one that has been there for me. I don't know what I would do without her.
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female
reader, trekeegirl +, writes (26 November 2013):
Because we don't have a place of our own yet and since the law in Wisconsin says I have to be seizure-free for 8 months before I can drive, I don't have a drivers license yet, and can't just hike everything to his parents' house all the way on the opposite side of the county.They let me stay over at there house for a few hours a couple days a week, I don't want to impose myself on his parents. But we go places around each area, depending on what we have planned for the day.
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male
reader, BrentLIves +, writes (26 November 2013):
BrentLIves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell it is not any bodies fault. I just things were easier. It's really difficult not her around me when she needs me. But I just got called for an interview. We are looking at apartments outside the low income ones. As for my fiancee she is getting to a point where she is getting stressed out by her mother cause how she is treating her. Like a child. Caressing her face from behind. Also she can't escape when she wants to with me being busy with work. Otherwise she is not happy being at home. She wants to be together for good but it seems don't want us together til were married but why does that matter as long as take care of her.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (26 November 2013):
@Trekeegirl the OP's fiancee' : pustting aside for a sec the debate over epilepsy and the pill, which is very interesting but not really what this question was about.... you are in position to shed some light on the situation, if you don't mind.
So : your condition is being treated and seizures are under control- you are on SSI and you get to manage independently this income. You are over 30. So, how come you are not going to live with your fiancee' if you wish to do so ? . Because your mom won't like it, I got that- but, is this really such an unsurpassable obstacle for a self supporting adult ? ...Could you not just agree to disagree, and that your views about soul and sin are different ?...
I understand that you have not been able yet to secure yourself affordable housing- but, - as asked to your fiancee'- how's that any fault of your mother , or of his parents ?
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female
reader, trekeegirl +, writes (26 November 2013):
I have a folder about pregnancy from the nurse practitioner I used to see for my Epilepsy, plus I have information when I was trained as a H.O.P.E( Helping Other People with Epilepsy) Mentor, through the Epilepsy Foundation of Southern Wisconsin. I can always get more info from the EFSW if I need it.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (26 November 2013):
 OP, your fiancée must MUST speak to her neurologist about family planning. Some anti epileptic drugs have harmful effects on the foetus. Sodium valproate (in the UK the brand name Epilim) is associated with significant birth defects. She should be taking folic acid, if you're sexually active, and certainly if you're planning pregnancy.
She can have a coil fitted if she's worried about the hormonal effects of contraceptives. Some coils are just coils, no hormones at all, and once removed she could conceive as per normal.
Maybe you should go to her next neuro consultation with her? So it can be explained to you both? Where I work, we have an epilepsy specialist who works with the obs and gynae team to assist women with epilepsy who are also pregnant or planning a family. Maybe there is a similar service near you or your fiancée?
I'm very glad she's had no seizures for a while - hopefully this will allow her mum to relax a bit and gradually let go. Though, sadly, some people go through good spells and then the seizures come back.
Good luck.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (26 November 2013):
OP, your fiancée must MUST speak to her neurologist about family planning. Some anti epileptic drugs have harmful effects on the foetus. Sodium valproate (in the UK the brand name Epilim) is associated with significant birth defects. She should be taking folic acid, if you're sexually active, and certainly if you're planning pregnancy.
She can have a coil fitted if she's worried about the hormonal effects of contraceptives. Some coils are just coils, no hormones at all, and once removed she could conceive as per normal.
Maybe you should go to her next neuro consultation with her? So it can be explained to you both? Where I work, we have an epilepsy specialist who works with the obs and gynae team to assist women with epilepsy who are also pregnant or planning a family. Maybe there is a similar service near you or your fiancée?
I'm very glad she's had no seizures for a while - hopefully this will allow her mum to relax a bit and gradually let go. Though, sadly, some people go through good spells and then the seizures come back.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, trekeegirl +, writes (26 November 2013):
Hi all, I am BrentLives fiancee just joined so he doesn't have to post on my behalf or I hide behind his user name anymore. You are kidding yourself, or just haven't done any research if you think that birth control pills are NOT steroids. They are. They are a synthetic steroid made to block progesterone. I got my information straight from Pro-Life Wisconsin. I don't have my kidney disorder anymore, thank God for that! Like I said through my fiancee's username earlier, I was on high doses of Prednisone and Cyclosporine. I am glad I no longer need those steroids, and yes, they do cause a woman to grow hair in unwanted places. And I have also, before being diagnosed with hypothyroidism, had a growing bald spot on my head, though it is a little less visible now partly because my hairline was pushed back when I went through all the testing and surgery for my seizures, which I only have complex-partial/staring seizures, if any at all now. The surgery didn't even control my seizures totally. I had to go on a very strict diet (Modified Atkins) for two years to get them really under control.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 November 2013):
so then tell me what is their concern.. what kind of taking care of her is needed?
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male
reader, BrentLIves +, writes (25 November 2013):
BrentLIves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell she hasn't had any seizures since May of this year. And she stabilizer in her to control them.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 November 2013):
UM OP BIRTH CONTROL pills ARE NOT STEROIDS
and she can have the hair on her lip and chin waxed. I have mine done... and it's the hypothyroidism that causes the hair not the steroids.
if your fiancee is her own payee there is no need for her to "be taken care of" as she manages her own money.
Are they concerned about her medical needs? that seems valid if she has kidney problems and still has seizures.
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male
reader, BrentLIves +, writes (25 November 2013):
BrentLIves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy fiancee's mother is not her payee, she gets direct deposit to her own account. My fiancee currently pays her parents rent while living in their house. As for the birth control, my fiancee believes in Natural Family Planning, and doesn't want to take any kind of steroid EVER AGAIN. She was on Prednisone for many years for a kidney disorder (nephrotic syndrome)- from 3 years old 'til her seventh grade year. Her kidney disorder is in remission and we pray it NEVER comes back. She had to take a steriod(Cyclosporine) just to get off her high dose of Prednisone. Those steroids caused her some unwanted side effects that have taken some whole food supplements for her to get back to normal. Although, the hair on her chin and upper lip won't ever go away because of those side effects. My fiancee also has hypothyroidism on top of it. Her aunt is board certified in nutrition, and is who she turns to for supplements.My fiancee also went to a pro-life sidewalk counselor meeting and learned about what happens with the birth control. She is anti-abortion and knows how those pills are often used in abortions. She doesn't want that bad stuff building up in her body.
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male
reader, BrentLIves +, writes (25 November 2013):
BrentLIves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah I do but proved otherwise. He will take of rent n my car insurance and give me the rest. My dad is my payee. Her mother is not.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 November 2013):
why isn't she on birth control and your dad is not your copayee... you dad is your payee... can you not handle your own funds?
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male
reader, BrentLIves +, writes (25 November 2013):
BrentLIves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnd my fiancee mom is not her payee.
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male
reader, BrentLIves +, writes (25 November 2013):
BrentLIves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell actually I'm on ssdi and she is on SSI. I have two part time jobs.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 November 2013):
LIGHT BULB.... ok NOW I get it... I not only have a child on SSI who is older than you and who I would also be fighting tooth and nail if this was his plan but I work for the AGENCY that administers the program.
ARE yoru parents your REP Payee? (do they get your check for you and have to answer to SSA once a year about how they are spending your money?)
is your fiancee's MOTHER her REP PAYEE?
if so, then you have an issue, if your fiancee needs a rep payee then I can see why your parents don't want her to move in since her mother is probably her rep payee and won't give her her money (which is a problem)
If there is no reason you and your fiancee need rep payees then take yourselves to the local social security office and find out how to become your own rep payees. BUT be aware of a bunch of things
1. SSI amounts will decrease when you marry...
In 2014 the monthly federal amount for an individual is 721
for a couple it would be 1082 PER COUPLE not per person... for you two both on SSI, NOT getting married is in your best interest income wise.
Not sure what state you are in but some states do supplement.
Your medicaid should not be affected if you marry.
IF either of you are working then your SSI is reduced by 1 dollar for every two you earn over the monthly countable income... and that also will vary and i'm not sure of those amounts any more.
So I get it now.
BOTH of you are getting SSI which is essentially federal welfare for disabled individuals.. your work is probably below the allowable amount unless you are in the Ticket to Work Program.
In addition, have either of you taken life skills classes?
can you two write and stick to a budget? do you know how to navigate the medicaid system, the food stamps system? are you guys able to get your own medical treatments and handle your own money?
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male
reader, BrentLIves +, writes (25 November 2013):
BrentLIves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHer getting pregnant. My dad is my co payee.
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male
reader, BrentLIves +, writes (25 November 2013):
BrentLIves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe're both on ssi
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 November 2013):
"they don't want to take care of another person"
are they taking care of you? are you not pulling your own weight...are you not paying rent?
what does taking care of you involve?
what would taking care of her involve?
can you two agree to rent space from them and be responsible for yourselves?
what are things your parents have to be responsible for with you and her that they don't want?
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male
reader, BrentLIves +, writes (25 November 2013):
BrentLIves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionActually my parents won't allow her move in with me cause they don't want to take care another person.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (25 November 2013):
Do you mean that your fiancee' HAS already moved in with you and your parents ? Or is she going to do it in the next future ?...
Either way,- what's the problem then ? Maybe I am missing or misunderstanding something, but if she is already at your place or has decided she is moving there, well, all you've got to do is keep searching for your low cost accomodation till you get one, and if this accomodation is hard to come by.... this does not have anything to do with her mother does it ?
As for your gf avoiding her overprotective mother- that's her choice and her problem, Stay out of it. Your fiancee' is an adult and she can decided how she wants to deal with the main people in her life. If you try to influence her... then you are overprotective too:)
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male
reader, BrentLIves +, writes (25 November 2013):
BrentLIves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLearning disability
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 November 2013):
OP your fiancee has a seizure disorder. I understand that and since it was not well controlled till recently her mother has been overprotective I understand that.
I want to ask you a personal question. I sense that there is some inability on your part to stand up for yourself. DO YOU YOURSELF have any diagnosis that you have carried around for your life as well such as learning disabilities or other disorders that are impacting on your ability to take some control here?
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male
reader, BrentLIves +, writes (25 November 2013):
BrentLIves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe move in with me because I live with my parents. We are currently looking for an apartment. Plus we're on low income apartments waiting list. Still searching for low cost. We are trying whatever we can. My fiancee is avoiding her mother because she's over protective.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2013): What has her not being able to drive got to do with anything? I think you need to explain the whole thing in full because I genuinely don't understand why she can't move out. She's a 30 year old woman so she can do whatever she wants. Why, in simple terms, can she not move out and move in with you?
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (24 November 2013):
Saying someone "isn't being fair" is more the mentality of a 16 yr old than a 33 year old. I truly believe her mother believes she's doing what is best for her adult child, though I know it doesn't sit well with you or your fiancée.
Her mother is demonstrating this protectiveness by the caresses she shows your fiancée. It's more than likely she's being over protective, especially if the seizures are well controlled, but it's a hard habit for her mum to break after 30 years of being her mum and care giver.
There are 2 options:
1) save up as much as you can by taking on extra work and get married.
2) your fiancée decides to put her own happiness, and her relationship, above her mothers concerns, and agrees to move into a shared apartment.
If option 2 is impossible for religious reasons, focus on option 1.
I firmly believe that your fiancées mother is guilty of nothing more than being a bit over protective, both in terms of her daughters health and her "soul". Don't make her your enemy.
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male
reader, BrentLIves +, writes (24 November 2013):
BrentLIves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe can't drive cause of her seizures.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (24 November 2013):
It seems to me that the only thing you could and should do is to convince the daughter, not the mom, that you two need to live together.
SHE ( the daughter ) is the one who's staying put. While, since she is over 30, and not a child, and since she is having seizures, but is not mentally incapacitated, she can do anything she wants IF she wants. If she is not coming with you it's SHE, not the mom, who's not allowing what you want to happen.
Don't try to make the mother change her mind, first, she is older, more set in her ways, and less open to change ; second, she is perfectly entitled to have her own religious views, no matter how strange they sound to you, and least but not last, frankly, if I had a daughter with epileptic seizures, no matter how mild or rare, I think I'd feel much better too having my daughter at home under my eye , unless it is strictly necessary ,not optional, doing otherwise ( like, if she gets married ).
The mentality that you need to change is not the mother's- it's your own girlfriend's. At her age she needs to understand that when you strongly believe something is the right thing to do - you do it, regardless of critiques and pressires from family/ social environment.
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male
reader, BrentLIves +, writes (24 November 2013):
BrentLIves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk well I am putting on too many miles on my car. In her situation it's not that easy as people think. I'm trying so hard to be there for her when it matters. I put on 6300 miles in the last two months. How can we budget if we can't live together. Her mom is giving us grief and stress that we don't need anymore. She can't drive cause she has mild to none siezures. They are controlled. But her isn't being fair we are over 30 and not 16
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (24 November 2013):
All I can think of is saving up enough money to get married as soon as possible. Maybe get an extra part time job.
With that in mind, though, your fiancee is not a prisoner in the home and she could just up and leave and move in with you if she felt the situation was intolerable. She is respecting her mother's wishes by staying there until you are both married.
I am not so sure the mother is against you and her daughter being together (as you seem to think) since she generously helps out with your fuel expenses.
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male
reader, BrentLIves +, writes (24 November 2013):
BrentLIves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat to do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2013): Why does it matter what her mother thinks? You are both adults so you don't need her approval, all you have to do is tell her what you are doing.
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female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (23 November 2013):
 The mom don't want you together. She wants better for her daughter and apparently the ring pop and phony diplomas and license is not enough. She dont want her daughter shacking up. Do you want yours shacking up. The playing house before the wedding is not how people tend to be doing it at this day and age. She most likely wants her daughter with someone who has the money already for the wedding not using her or her mom and there resources to use back to them. Its not the best timing for a Loas or Lwas to mount his horse the daughter having the seizures I suppose I guess that's what it sounds like here. If you talk to the mother perphaps it can change her thinking maybe not.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (23 November 2013):
I also remember your previous post and didn't bring this up then because there was enough being discussed, what with gas cards, possible religious beliefs etc.
I think her mother is over protective of her daughter because she has uncontrolled seizures/ epilepsy. She still lives at home, and her mother has probably been her carer for most of her life? I'm not excusing her mother, but this might be part of why she is finding it hard to let her daughter go.
You said your fiancee's seizures are now under better control (last post). Hopefully her mother can learn to relax a bit, but your fiancee does have to be more assertive too. And you also need to demonstrate to her mother than you know what to do when she has a seizure, if you haven't already.
I might be way off the mark, but it occurred to me in the last post, and now you mention this caressing behaviour that a mother typically demonstrates to a child, not to grown up offspring.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 November 2013):
I agree with SVC. Her mother may have her own reasons for not wanting your gf to live with you before marriage, we don't know these reasons , the most we can do is to try and guess , and what's the point ? If you want to know for sure, you- or your gf- can ask HER : "Dear lady, how come you are so against us living together ? Is it your religion, is it that you don't like me, what is it ?.."
Anyway, ...her mother may have reasons, opinions and points of view- and your 33 y.o. fiancee' is not obliged to accept them passively. She can make her own choices . She can say " Sorry, Mom, you know I love you to bits yet, this is my life and I am going to live it the way I want. Let's agree to disagree on this, I am going to live with my bf because that's what we want to do, get over it ".
Why doesn't she ? ( meaning your gf ). If she is not a baby, and too old to be treated like a baby, what better occasion than this to SHOW it, not just say it.
Simple curiosity: how come you could get a marriage licence but you could not actually get married ? what went wrong ?
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male
reader, BrentLIves +, writes (23 November 2013):
BrentLIves is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe don't have money to get married. Plus we want to live together to save money for our wedding. Her mother is against cause she's about her daughters soul.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 November 2013):
No BrentLIves her MOTHER is NOT the one making this difficult it's your fiancee not willing to stand up to her that's making it difficult.
You have posted before about this and it appears your fiancee is not really ready to be an adult.
You got a license...why didn't you just get married?
Why does a 33 yr old woman need her mothers approval to go out and do things?
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