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male
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anonymous
writes: I am 39, tall and always smart dressed, and have got a good but dry sense of humour, but I find it almost impossible to find women.I have not had any sort of relationship for over 8 years.I am sick of girls who I do get to know keep saying "you're such a nice guy, but how come you do not have a girlfriend?"I look at friends who are in long term relationships, married and how getting a girl seems almost natural to others but not for me.I go out with friends to pubs and clubs each weekend.But I cannot see where the next opportunity is going to come from.I recently had a girl approach me. I did get her number and although each time I ask she says yes to going out, I am still waiting for the date. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, StarNews +, writes (31 December 2005):
 I am single also. Please dont be offended, but this is my opinion about bars. Meat markets is what I call them. They are noisey and crowded for one. I stopped going to night clubs because I never walked out of those places with a positive attitude, saying I actually had a good time. During that time, I made a rule that I would not go out with a guy that I met in a bar, because more than likely, that would be his usual hang out. I agree with Happytochat, it is a place for people looking for casual sex and nothing more. And alot of people who go there, tend to be the type to drink and party, and that is just not me. Society tends to question why someone has been single for so long, its been 8 yrs for me too. When in fact, I believe we are admired in some ways, because we are able to live our lives comfortably, alone. I had been seeing someone during that time, but it never went anywhere and it was on and off so much that the more I look back at it, the more I dont see it as an actual relationship. I was just fooled for a very long time by someone who just wanted me in their life until something better came along, and it did, and he has disappeared.Opportunities come when you least expect it, when you are not looking. I feel that when you stop looking, you become more comfortable and happy with yourself and who you are. That is when you naturally attract the type of person who is meant to be in your life. The best thing to do is to find hobbies that you enjoy. I like to fish, so that is where I go on the weekends. That is a good way to meet someone with the same interests. When you asked this girl out, did you set an actual day to go out? If you did, what happened? You sound like a great guy and that you just havent found the girl you are looking for yet. Jut keep the attitude that she will be one lucky girl when you do find her. But dont give up because she is out there. I need to take my own advice, because I am so good at giving it! I know it is a matter of patience and waiting for the right one, instead of settling for less just to take away the loneliness, and that is just what I did with the guy I was seeing for 5 yrs. He was just someone to occupy my time, because I knew he wasnt serious about me. I found that out when I let him go, he never came back. Which was his loss, not mine. I am casually dating for now and not committing myself to one person until I know they are "the one". They will want the same things that I want out of a relationship. I havent found him yet, but Im having more fun this way than being with someone I knew wasnt completely happy with me, and didnt want a serious commitment to begin with. You will know you have found the right person when they accept you for who you are, they wont try to change you, and they will complete your life. Keep in touch and let me know how things are going. Good luck to you!
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (31 December 2005):
Hi there,
I can see how this can be very frustrating and you can be getting anxious as you are getting older and there is that pressure to 'find someone and settle down' coming up.
Firstly you need to think about where you are looking. You said you go to clubs and pubs. When people go to those places, they aren't looking for a serious relationship, they are looking to date and have a fling or one night stand. So you need to look in a place that people want to be in one. I think asking friends to set you up wit hother mates they KNOW are wanting a serious relationshiup is the best idea. If none of your frineds no anyone, then try looking at poetentials from work. Any clubs you are joined? like sports, arts, or anything?
Next you have to think about the signals you are giving women. Are you being clear to them that you are looking for a relationship and most importnat that you ARE intested in them? The biggest mistake that I see happen is when people ask the question 'why dont i have a bf/gf' and the answer is often that they don't let people know they are interested! People are shy and you can't sit around waitng for them to make the move, you have to get out there and take risks of rejection, but remember you will get through it.
Most of all remember all the good qualities you have don't let the fact that you don't have a gf, get you down, because with or without a girl, you are still a worthy person with great attributes!
Good luck and I'm sure you will find someone, just for some it can take time.
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