A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a fairly new relationship of about four months with a wonderful guy, and it's probably the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. We hardly have cause to fight, we don't live in each others' pockets or see too little of each other and we are not prone to jealousy.There is one thing that's really bothering me though.Whilst living abroad, he married his business partner. The business is now dissolved and they have broken up - she is with someone new and lives in a different country from him. But they still haven't legally separated yet. Technically, he is still her husband.How do I broach the subject with him? Is there any particular reason why he is dragging his feet, or should I accept his reason which is that divorce settlements take a long time in Finland? I don't want to put a black mark on what is otherwise a truly wonderful relationship.
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female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (9 August 2012):
 He married his business partner because it "just seemed like the right thing to do"; then quickly decided they were both going to be free to see other people, and now he's in no hurry to get divorced. He sure has a cavalier attitude toward marriage and commitment, doesn't he? And his wife doesn't sound much to write home about, either!
Well, perhaps he isn't a cheater - though I don't see what being a chef has to do with not having the time - I suppose he's not working 24/7.
If I were dating someone like him I certainly wouldn't want to brag about it, I can tell you!
But of course, that's your business. You are right to be concerned.......
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate:With regards to the comment about how not fighting is unhealthy, I said we don't have CAUSE to fight. When we do disagree on something, yes, we argue, but generally we are very agreeable people.He married his business partner apparently because "it seemed like the right thing to do". However they soon ended up in a polyamorous relationship (where they both agreed they were going to see other people), so I'm pretty sure he just married her because it was convenient.I'm not thinking about long term commitment - it just bothers me that he ran into the marriage without thinking, and now doesn't seem particularly fussed about getting out of it. I know a lot of people will say the polyamorous thing could indicate that he's a cheater, but to be honest he really doesn't have the time to cheat, being a chef.
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (8 August 2012):
 Only he can answer if there's a particular reason why he hasn't divorced his wife. So you'll need to ask him. Just bring it up non-challantly; "So what's up with you and your wife. Are you planning to get divorced at some point?....I'm just curious." Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 August 2012):
 I know my husband's divorce took 18 months (WAY WAY before I got into the picture).
However, if they don't share real-estate and kinds it "should" be fairly straight forward and easy.
I agree that it might NOT be a red flag. Yet.
Why not simply ask him? Say:" can I ask you something?, why haven't you started your divorce yet? And if he asks you, just be honest, tell him it's a little odd to be dating a man who is still technically married. OR whatever you think.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (7 August 2012):
Evidently you have already broached the subject of his non-divorce with him or you wouldn't know that(apparently) divorces take a long time in Finland.
We have no idea whether they do or not. You might try checking online and see what you find can out.
However, you have only been dating this man four months. that's no time at all. Are you anxious to move toward getting engaged? Why are you reluctant to ask him what stage the divorce is now at?
It is possible, you know, that his wife is still covered under her husband's health insurance policy, or that she is getting alimony or child support from him. If so, that MIGHT be a possible reason for delaying divorce.
Dating someone who is only separated is not without risks. What would you do IF this man and his wife decide sometime down the road they want to give their marriage another chance? True, that could also happen after divorce, but when all the "i's" are dotted and papers signed finalizing a divorce it's less likely they'll later decide to get back together.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (7 August 2012):
 1. Risk the "black mark",
2. Learn what you ought to know about dissolving marriages in Finland,
3. Don't remove your clothes in the presence of this guy until you have the answers to Nos 1 and 2.
I'll give you great odds that you aren't going to like to learn about Nos 1 and 2...
AND you'll be learning that this guy is "playing" you...
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 August 2012):
 My first divorce took years... we just never got around to it until he wanted to remarry... then we finished the divorce. It was never a sign that I was going back to him or he to me.
In the state I live in, you must live in separate homes for one year before you can even FILE for divorce and there is no such thing as legal separation... so you are either married or divorced here...
how long ago did they dissolve the business? Months or Years?
It's possible that it's not a red flag, just something that has not been taken care of yet....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2012): I wouldn't stress about this. Neither he nor his ex partner see in any rush in making their split final. I certainly would not make an issue of it. You have only been together for 4 months so enjoy being together. If, some time down the line you are looking at a commitment, then would be the time to discuss the situation regarding his status.
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A
female
reader, agonyauntsanonymous +, writes (7 August 2012):
Well i hate to give advice because im not sure about the legalities in other countries. I would keep in mind though, if they arent divorced its not his ex wife. Its his wife. So just take caution, maybe you should talk about it over dinner? Maybe look into divorce in finland, research it on the computer. Not obssessively but just to gain knowledge and to make sure what hes saying is legitimate.
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A
female
reader, Just Gill +, writes (7 August 2012):
 I understand that to you he feels like he's not trying to ride her from his life completely. Maybe he is just trying to get his life sorted out and re-adjusting to a new relationship with yourself. You do have the right to ask him as you are his new partner but i would suggest give it a bit more time and when you know you and him will be together for a long time you can then say to him. Maybe its premature to bring the subject up at this stage in your relationship. It wouldnt do any harm in bringing it up though if thats your decision, You just need to approach the subject correctly. If you do decide to ask him dont nag because men dont like that much but try make him understand from your perspective.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2012): see, that whole "we don't fight" thing does not sound healthy. Particularly because it almost sounds like the reason you don't fight is because you are afriad to. I think about a good time in my marriage when my husband and I would fight, not against each other but for each other and with each other..
I am not clear as to whether he married his business partner for busimess reasons, or whether they were in love, can you please clarify that?
Because if they were in love, I can answer it very simply, and it is an answer only people who have been married can understand. Only married people know that you can love some one and hate them at the exact same time. Here I am, considering divorce, and I can still tell you, that with all my rage, with all the poo, and even with the fact that I can not face him, at the bottom of my heart, in my ideal world the perfect ending to my story would be to end up with my husband. I think that on some level that is true for every divorcee.
Any way, just some thoughts...
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