A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Why do I feel guilty for going on a new date? Me and my ex split about 7 months ago. Its been rocky since, he works with a member of my family, and they go in the pub next door to me after work every day. But ive managed to stay friends with him, apart from occasional bitching between us in txt now n then. I ended things with him 7 months ago. I have been telling him I am happy on my own with my kids and he would keep saying go for it, meet someone. I was always worried though that i would make a bad judgement again, and hurt my kids. We were only together 16 months but our kids got on well together. He on the other hand has been going on dates for a couple of months now, which inside i found hurt, but obviously never said anything. At the end of the day it wasn't working for me with him, and i chose out. He lied a few times and i couldn't trust him after. I told my brother who im close to I had a date lined up, asked him not to mention it to the ex, but he did. Normally he never says anything I ask him not to.Now the ex is being all funny with me, saying he knew it would happen one day but seeing as i didn't ever love him, it wouldn't of bothered me when he went on dates but it cuts him deep knowing I am. And that i only had to be honest like he is. Yet he's never informed me when he's off on a date and i wouldn't expect him to! I said not telling him isn't not being honest, its cuz i didn't want to get into convo about it as we ended up doin this morning and its our business who we date. I dont ever ask him, the family member tells me. Just seems to me he is ok with playing around, even chasing barmaids in my local that are 10 yrs younger than him in front of me. Presumably to make her jealous. Apparently everyone says she is a player and my brother said my ex was going to wait til the day of their date and let her down. He started to tell me he's decided to not go for a drink with her, which i quickly changed the subject from cuz I dont want to know what he's up to, or talk about it. I still tolerated all that ok. But seeing the way he behaves about women and what he treats them like now is one of the things that told me he isn't ready for a proper relationship, its actually me who is. I just need to trust my instincts this time before introducing children. But now ive decided to get on with meeting people, he doesn't like it. We split months ago.He's been bitching this morning in txt that i will keep making the same mistakes, and that i'm one of those people whos a self inflicting casualty that wont look at themselves and make changes, says he has and will continue to do so. Ive joined the gym and changing my job soon, what more do I need to do to make changes! He still drink drives and steals materials from shops for his cash in hand building jobs. And yet i need to change? I told him all the while you have moved on dating i have been working on me, and i'm now ready. This is my maiden voyage! Not been with anyone since him. Not heard back since.But he's now left me feeling guilty. Which is why i wanted the family member to not tell him. Its only a date! Should of kept my mouth shut.I know if i txt him, he will ignore me, although he cant for long, i have his car while his mate is fixing mine and we will have to collect it on monday probably.He lied, i tried to forgive him, he borrowed money off me, basically messed up and is still paying me back in dribs and drabs, i ended it for good, he chases young girls, drinks like a fish, drives when drunk, steals from shops, yet i'm the nut case. Why am I feeling so guilty?
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drunk, jealous, money, my ex, player Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks folks.
To the anon female: I have his car because he owes me a lot of money and his friend is a mechanic and is doing my car £700 worth, and my ex is knocking it off what he owes me, there will still be 1300 left he owes me. And he will be able to pay his mate at a later date. I cant afford 700 quid to have it done elsewhere (he had my spare cash and 700 quids mates rates by the way) When you have to drive kids 5 miles to school everyday, you have to have a roadworthy car. And i dont go in the pub often, this was a 1 off on monday when my bro asked me if i wanted to pop in for a drink. And why shouldn't i tell my bro i have a date? We are close.
Today he has txt saying car definately wont be ready til monday playgirl. Ha. I simply replied ok no probs hugh. (as in Heffner, chases young girls)
Must all sound pathetic to outsiders i guess. Just dont wish the bloke any malice, and want us both to move on without the bitching. There is no possibility of getting back with him because love doesn't conquer all. Would any of you want to spend your life with a playa, a liar, a drinker, a thief, an arrogant bigot?
I hope not.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2008): For heaven's sake, lady, this man is your EX-boyfriend!! You broke it off with him months ago! Why in the world are you still sending him text messages and having discussions with him?! Nor do you need to tell your brother when you have a date!
So what if he goes to the pub next door to you every evening after work? YOU don't have to go to the pub, do you? Do you have to answer the doorbell if he should decide to drop in on you after he's been to the pub? OF COURSE NOT!
Get your car back on Monday, and return his car to him. Be very businesslike about it and don't get into any discussion apart from returning his car! Anyway, why did you borrow his car when yours wasn't working, and allow a friend of his to fix it?
I strongly recommend you have nothing further to do with this man! He doesn't sound like someone you need to have in your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): I need you to listen very carefully; YOU ARE not the "nutcase"; your feelings are perfectly normal; it is difficult to let go! It is often easier to doubt ourselves and our judgement; rather then to face REALITY;
You are aware of the FACTS; you know what is right; YOU KNOW what you have to do and you are STRONG; STOP doubting yourself or BLAMING yourself; you cannot forever justify or make excuses for him and his bad behaviour;
I suggest you make PEACE with the situation and MOVE ON; yes it will be difficult; it is never easy to LET GO; BUT, you DESERVE much MORE and much BETTER;
Do think about yourself and your FUTURE; don't waste anymore time with sombody who is not worhty of you and your love; get out there and find somebody that will value and respect you; sombebody that you can love and trust.
Best wishes and lots of SMILES.
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A
female
reader, superrrshawna  +, writes (8 August 2008):
 bottom line, i think the two of you still have feelings for each other. if his opinion didn't matter to you, you wouldn't be feeling this way. if you didn't matter to him, he wouldn't pay you a second glance.my advice is to either work things out with him to where the two of you are either back in a comfortable relationship or in a very distinct "just friends" relationship. you two need to get along since he is tied to your family and whatnot, so try to go for formality. he should have nothing to do with your new love life, or everything to do with it. nothing in between!and tell your family members this as well!leave the past in the past and either find a new future completely with him, or completely without him. it is the only way i personally think you will be happiest.as for that last paragraph, it really made it apparent that you need to stop focusing on him and focus on yourself!!
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