| A
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: A guy friend, at least i thought he was, has basically made an idiot out of me. I used to think he liked me and we fooled around for a while but then he got back with some ex girlfriend without telling me. He just stopped taking my calls and ignored me. Eventually he text me and told me the truth and asked if we could still be friends and meet up and i (stupidly) said yes. That was my first mistake and i've acted like a doormat when it comes to him since then. He's tried to get in my pants numerous times since he's been back with her yet insisted he wanted friendship. I finally cut him off last year but then he got deployed to Afghanistan last September and asked if i'd write to him. Out of guilt and mainly fear because he was over there, i did. I was supportive, wrote him letters (as a friend), tried to keep him cheerful when he was over there etc Now, he's back and guess what? I apparently no longer exist.We did meet up when he was on leave and he yet again tried to kiss me. I told him no and nothing else happened but i'm still annoyed. He's still with his girlfriend and while he was away i started dating somebody. I made my relationship official on Facebook a few weeks ago and he saw it. He said he was happy for me etc yet now he hasn't contacted me at all even though we'd planned to meet up last week to catch up. He made such a big deal about wanting to see me but now nothing?I know you're probably thinking "why do you care?" and i probably shouldn't but i'm just really confused and don't understand why he's suddenly gone silent. I haven't contacted him and don't plan to. We spoke the week before last and he was asking if i was looking forward to seeing him, what i wanted to do and how he he thought us being friends was going to work. I've recently broken up with my boyfriend because i didn't feel like i should be in a relationship right now.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 March 2012):
 Great update, I am glad to hear you are feeling better - told ya:).
Also glad to hear that you've got a basilar concept ,i.e. that you can't "fix " him and his actions ( and you don't have to, let that unfortunate girl he is dating go nuts tryng that ! ) ,you can only fix yourself, the part of you that can land you in these kind of pickles.
There are many books about women and self esteem, you may want to read something by Gloria Steinem, Marylin Sorensen,Beverly Engel, Louise Hay just to quote a few, if you browse Amazon.com there are hundreds of titles. A book can't instantly change you or magically solve your problems, but it may be spark some useful insight and be a source of comfort and inspiration if you have " withdrawal symptoms " during your Facebook detox :). Hang in there !
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 March 2012):
 Yay! thanks for the GREAT update...keep on growing!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's been a week since he deleted me and i haven't felt this happy in a long time. I've deleted his number, deleted him from Skype and i'm staying off Facebook for at least a month.
I was looking online about how to improve self esteem and came across a website that's really helped me. It helped me realise that he's the one with the problem not me and that i deserve better than some assclown like him.
For the past few days i've been feeling more optimistic about the future and what i won't put up with anymore. I don't even feel jealousy towards the girlfriend anymore infact, i pity her.
I just want to thank you for spending so much time helping me and having the patience to answer my posts. I really feel like i'm making progress and that i'm starting to realise i'm worth more than to be some loser's second choice.
Thank you.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 March 2012):
yes but if you want to get back at him remember that living well is the best revenge...
YOU control your own misery.....
be fabulous
be beautiful
be happy
it will so be better then.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMost of all i'm angry that he's gotten away with it. Him and her are happy while i'm miserable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not really comfortable with the idea of therapy or telling people in person what i've done. Even though he's cheated (cheating?) on her and still feel gutted that she's with him. I know THAT is pathetic but that's how i feel.
I do have low self esteem, you're right about that. I know what his girlfriend looks like and she's just a normal looking girl like me. I avoid going to bars/clubs because i hate getting hit on and can't bare people, especially men, looking at me in that way.
Maybe it's because i'm an emotional person that cares a lot for certain people that i can't get my head around how somebody could use somebody else, especially for something as intimate as sex, and then just not care. How could you repeatedly cheat on somebody and keep doing it~? How could you text another woman asking her out for a drink then go and pick out wallpaper the next day? I just don't understand. Can you love somebody and do that do them?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 March 2012):
Oh good : " I was miserable a lot of the time ". OP, for such a stubborn girl like yourself :) , to admit that, in written,.... that's a big step forward . Remember these words ,OP " I WAS MISERABLE A LOT OF THE TIME ". Write them down on your diary , have them tattoed on your forearms ( no don't of course : ), but don't forget that you WERE miserable.
But I am miserable now too, you'll say. Sure, but it's a different kind of miserable. It's an in charge, independent, decorous, dignified kind of miserable. Plus it's only temporary, you have to trust me on this. Before it was miserable AND also a rather pathetic, underdog ,powerless, unhealthy kind of miserable. And you could have gone on being his puppet on a string for AGES.
As for feeling that this happened to you because you weren't good enough, well, that's sort of normal that you feel this way, rejection does this to people, particularly to people with low self esteem. It sounds like you have a big problem with low self esteem and poor self image, and other than telling you: work on it, it's important, - I can't say more, it won't be a DC Aunt who can fix something like that, which maybe has been going on since when you were a kid. BUT, I want to try and suggest you another way to look at it ; i.e. maybe HE was not good enough for you. Maybe he is a guy who is only good enough for screwing around and playing games - he is not good enough, and smart enough, to appreciate devotion, loyalty, sincerity and affection, he is not good enough for showing tact, and class, and compassion, and honesty. He's only good enough for being what he is : a cheating , greedy jerk, a manipulator, a liar.
Is this kind of guy good enough for you ? ....
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 March 2012):
I think that you are trying to punish yourself (subconsciously) and that’s a hard place to be. I get it. You are angry at yourself for using bad judgment and trusting someone who betrayed you. Now you feel like your judgment is being questioned. It will get better when you forgive yourself… We are all human we all make mistakes. That’s why God put erasers on pencils.
do you think a bit of professional counseling might help?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know he just used me and that i was miserable a lot of the time. I really don't know why i'm so down and can't just say "screw him" and forget it. Maybe it's because i keep beating myself up about it and keep telling myself he used me because i'm not good enough. I just hope it gets better because right now i don't think i could feel much worse.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 March 2012):
Oh no, I understand you are feeling low . Just, tell me : were you feeling very " high " all the time while you let this dude toy with your body and emotions ? If that's the case , it surely did not show even a bit from all your posts ! it did not sound like the "relationship " was making you so deliriously happy. So don't fool yourself by idealizing and glamourizing something that was far from ideal and glamorous to begin with.
You lost your virginity with someone who did not give a shit. That was a mistake, not a tragedy. A misshap, not a catastrophe. It's something that happened to you.. and to thousands and thousands and thousands of other girls. While this may not be of any comfort to you right now , it should show you that this thing HAPPEN, and people DO bounce back from them all the time, and it should help you not overdramatize what is simply a nearly inescapable part of being alive : experiencing loss , or rejection.
That it hurts right now, yes. That it's the end of your world the way you know it, heck no !; there are so many things in life to do, feel, think, see, try, fight for, hope for... that sitting there feeling despondent because
you let the wrong guy pop your cherry, pardon me, but it sounds close to a blasphemy to me. Don't you realize that NOW , without the weight of this toxic fling, you have MORE chances to be happy ?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 March 2012):
Oh no, I understand you are feeling low . Just, tell me : were you feeling very " high " all the time while you let this dude toy with your body and emotions ? If that's the case , it surely did not show even a bit from all your posts ! it did not sound like the "relationship " was making you so deliriously happy. So don't fool yourself by idealizing and glamourizing something that was far from ideal and glamorous to begin with.
You lost your virginity with someone who did not give a shit. That was a mistake, not a tragedy. A misshap, not a catastrophe. It's something that happened to you.. and to thousands and thousands and thousands of other girls. While this may not be of any comfort to you right now , it should show you that this thing HAPPEN, and people DO bounce back from them all the time, and it should help you not overdramatize what is simply a nearly inescapable part of being alive : experiencing loss , or rejection.
That it hurts right now, yes. That it's the end of your world the way you know it, heck no !; there are so many things in life to do, feel, think, see, try, fight for, hope for... that sitting there feeling despondent because
you let the wrong guy pop your cherry, pardon me, but it sounds close to a blasphemy to me. Don't you realize that NOW , without the weight of this toxic fling, you have MORE chances to be happy ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI don't know and i'm sick of feeling like this.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 March 2012):
why is the fact that he was your first so important to you that you want to keep him around?
why do you feel that you can't move on from him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not "throwing tantrums". You obviously don't understand how low i really feel. This was the first guy i'd ever had a sexual relationship with, my first kiss, everything. I wasted my virginity on somebody who doesn't give a sh*t.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (15 March 2012):
Of course you can cope,give yourself some credit. Now you are just throwing tantrums. You " coped " for all your life before you met this guy. And don't tell me : yes but he was the best thing it ever happened to me, because you know it's not true. He only brought anxiety and hurt and shame into your life, - was the sensation of being ( very occasionally ) lusted after by some hot hunk enough to compensate this ?...
If being used is something you NEED to cope - then go get yourself another hunk. But not this one, this one is gone. You may think that he pulled away because of something specific you have said or done in the recent past, the truth is that 99 out 100 he was going to do it anyway. He's moving in with his gf, and yes he's not the faithful type, but I doubt he would have bent over backwards to keep you into his life under his gf's nose.
He was already throwing you some crumbs before,when he was on his own, chances are that the crumbs distribution was going to end anyway once they started living together.
Accept that you have no control over this mess, and move on. Losing a battle does not mean you've lost the war!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for trying to help me but i don't think i can cope anymore. Goodbye.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (14 March 2012):
Exactly what Cindy said.. you are not worth any effort if you are not spreading your legs for him.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (14 March 2012):
Because he is not interested in wasting time communicating with you , unless you put out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy do you think he removed me?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 March 2012):
no not weird at all... perfectly normal to have mixed feelings about this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe removed me from Facebook. Strangely, although i feel upset i also feel relieved. Is that weird?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI will be careful.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 March 2012):
or he's biding his time waiting for you to assume he's gone and in a few weeks... oops a text from him....
just be very careful
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBut he hasn't replied so maybe he's got the message, so to speak?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 March 2012):
And that, OP is what he is counting on. he is hoping your determination to stay strong and not see him will waiver..
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI replied. I said "Look, you might want to be "friends" but i can't. I'm sorry and i hope you understand. I think you know it's for the best".
He hasn't replied. I know i shouldn't have said anything but i can only ignore it for so long before it starts getting to me.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 March 2012):
I think yesterday you had opted for the " totally ignore" tactic .
Do you feel your determination wavering ?... If you do,why would you say is it happening ?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 March 2012):
IGNORE HIM! Block him. IF YOU tell him to leave you alone he will know it bugs you and he will keep doing it.
IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo i keep on ignoring it or tell him to leave me alone?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 March 2012):
Again, that's not how a player thinks.
It's not at all about availability of sex. In this day and age, sex is a rather accessible commodity for most everybody, it's not something you have to fight firespitting dragons for. And if it were about having ready, abundant access to sex, there would be almost no cheaters, because cheaters often are not sex deprived at all , in fact they have willing, available, attractive partners at home.
It's about ego, and power - it's about having options. Like , you own a Mercedes but you know that you can also drive a Toyota just in case. You would never permanently exchange the second for the first, but it's nice and empowering knowing that you are not stuck with one car and ,on a whim, you can drive something else.
It's also about winning, getting what one wants- it's about seduction. Seduction comes from the Lating verb " se-ducere ", which means " to bring to oneself ". For some people it's very exciting to test their capacity to bring things to theirselves, and if it's against some resistence
even better, it's a big head trip. The old thrill of the chase :).
Finally, it's about doing something forbidden, having secrets, being " naughty "- some people like their cheap thrills . " Legit" sex is nice, but never so adrenalinic as forbidden sex.
Let me add that maybe you are a bit naive once again :)
This guy IS GOING to live with his gf soon ... but he has not gone yet. So maybe this was going to be his swan song,with you. If you had met him, or if you'd meet him now ( which I hope you don't ) - much probably he was going to go totally AWOL once again ,after moving in with his gf. Because I don't think she was going to be so enthusiastic about his friendship with an ex FWB and she was not going to give him time and space to cultivate it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just thought that now he's moving in with her he get get sex whenever he wants. He text me again:
"It's your choice hun. Do you want this to be it?". I haven't replied to any messages.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (12 March 2012):
Because that's not what cheaters do.
He probably IS happy with his gf- he's not leaving her, right ? In fact ,they are going to live together. But he thinks that he can be even happier if he can have his gf .. and something on the side just to liven things up a bit and make some mischief.
Anyway, he's looking for HIS interest , as he has amply proven, not for yours.So you can't exactly expect him to do what would be right for YOU. Watching out for yourself , and protecting your feelings, is going to be your responsibility.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhy doesn't he just say "Ok. I'm happy with my girlfriend and will you lone alone"?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 March 2012):
Cindy is right... IGNORE him totally.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk. I won't say anything.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 March 2012):
No unless you want to be hurt again : munched, chewed and spit out.
If you remember I told you this was likely to happen... he probably thinks that you are playing hard to get, or just mad because he stood you up. Anyway he has this smug attitude that sounds like " Come on, you KNOW you want me ".
If you prove him right, he'll hurt you again. Ignore him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDo i believe him? No, not really. Do i reply?
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 March 2012):
And do you believe him ?
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 March 2012):
Ignore him OP, this will stop... you know he can't be just friends... that's just a ruse to make himself feel good about himself..
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI ignored him and he text me again:
"I just want to be friends. You have a gf and i have a bf. I honestly don't want sex".
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt would almost be funny if it wasn't so pathetic. I'm going to go with the "ignore" response. If i say anything back he'll manipulate me even more.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 March 2012):
Sooo predictable. What a clown. In the same breath, basically, he says he'll respect your decision- and he asks you to meet up. How's that respecting your decision ??
I hope you know how to spell : NO.
Or , even better, ignore him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe just text me:
If that's what you want then i will respect that. I would rather we were friends, though. Do you want to meet up? xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hope so...
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 March 2012):
Patience, OP. Patience amd keep your cool. Again,- sorry for the lack of immagination,- it's just like quitting smoking. The first days or weeks are horrible, and then at some point ... you just breathe easy and you feel great -like a new person...
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, Cindy i've realised what he really wants. It hurts like hell but it's going to hurt more if i carry on, no? I just want the pain to go away.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 March 2012):
Well Done.... and continue to be strong....
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 March 2012):
Very good, OP.
You may feel sort of shitty atm, but this is like quitting smoking. It's an addiction, in your case to your illusions, and when you stop you may have withdrawal symptoms, but in time you'll feel SO glad you've stopped.
Let's hope your message was enough and that he's too lazy to be arsed following up. Because perhaps he may think that you are playing hard to get , or stuff like that, and he may pop up again proclaiming that you've got him wrong and he really cares about you and your friendship, etc. But by now , OP, I hope you've got wise to his tricks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI text him this: "Hey, I see you're moving house. Congratulations. I've been thinking and i think it's best we go our separate ways now. I wish we could have been friends but we obviously can't be without doing things we shouldn't. Your behaviour towards me confuses me and it's no fair. I know friendship isn't want you want from me, just sex. I've known it all along really i just didn't want to admit it. Good luck with everything. Goodbye".
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (11 March 2012):
Yes,picking out curtains may be a stressful process, and he needed some stress relief :)...
And...did you answer his text ? WHAT did you answer ?
Btw,OP, watch your step.. you know this is a poisonous situation for you and you've got to get yourself out of it... so you should also stop to Facebook stalk him and his gf...nothing to be gained for you by monitoring their life...
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, you're not going to believe this. He text me last night at 10:30pm asking if i was around for a drink then i see his girlfriend has posted pictures of the HOUSE they're moving into. Apparently they were picking out curtains today.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 March 2012):
Yes, that's a start :)
But, now there's the next step. You know what you've got to do, right ?. You have to unfriend him on Facebook ,first ,and block his other contacts to you.
Maybe it's difficult for you, but I think by now you realize it's very necessary because you can't count on sheer iron will :)
Good luck !
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, he messaged me on Facebook this morning and asked if i was free tomorrow. I didn't reply so that's a start.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 March 2012):
Good thinking ,OP. Don't look back ,look forward - make different choices, and you'll get different results. Who knows, maybe you are not cut out for FWBs - and surely you are not cut out for users and losers like your ex "friend" , you deserve better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for taking the time to reply to me. I do blame myself, a hell of a lot actually. I know it's mainly my fault for being stupid and letting him back in. I lost my virginity to this guy and obviously got caught up in the emotional side of things, thinking it was "love" i was feeling when really it was just lust.
I'm going to try my hardest to rid him from my life for good and not look back because i know if i don't i'll never be happy.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 March 2012):
" seemed " to actually like you. "seemed " being the key word, obviously not all that seems is also what really is going on.
But- you got hints . Heavy hints. Reread anon female's post, OP : with all the call it quits N.1.2.,etc.
You've got your warnings, you chose to ignore them.
In fact, now that I think of it, how can a guy who wants you for occasional "fooling around " or FWB only.. really like you ? If that's all he wants from you,... he does not like you that much outside of bed , if he would... he would be dating you !.
So , first you have a guy that relates to you on a strictly, or essentially, physical level only, how do you reckon from that he 's also interested in you as a person , in your ideas,personality etc . ?
Second, you have the same guy that plays with you for a while then out of the blue he vanishes without even a " thanks for the memories ", does not take your calls, ignores you etc. Do you call this being a friend ?! does this behaviour makes him a viable candidate for a future good friendship, does it tell you that he CARES about you ? ...
OP, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. I am telling you this not to belittle you or to make you feel worse than you are already feeling, but I think there's something not right going on ,and it's one of these two things and either one would need attention because it may really mess up your life :
- either you are REALLY such a babe in the woods at this dangerous level, and your vulnerability and naivety must for the future make you ten times more self protective than you are now. You will have to really , really take your time to become intimate with people, both physically and emotionally, and let them really really prove themselves with FACTS to be your true lovers and true friends before you let them come any closer ( metaphorically ) to you
- or, you are not a babe in the woods, you know that you have acted rash and imprudent, that you have gambled on a very unsafe bet, but you don't want to take any responsibility for that. You know that this is a situation that you have contributed to create, with all the wake up calls you got as listed by anon female- but you don't want to accept that. I am not blaming you, you are not an exception, everybody, including yours truly, prefers to say : oh poor me,THEY have been mean to me, THEY have screwed me up, THEY have done me wrong... rather than :I screwed up, I put MYSELF in a bad situation, etc.
Again, if I say this it's not to make you feel bad about yourself, - which would not be of much help in the circumstances, but just to try and drill into your head that those who don't learn from their history are doomed to repeat it !
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 March 2012):
Do you think that the fact that he was scum and just wanted to use you reflects ON YOU? It does not. His choice to be a scumbag is NO reflection on you. You said NO you did the right thing.
he’s the one who’s wrong and needs to reflect on his actions… YOU are doing everything right. Ended it with the BF till you are ready to commit fully to a relationship, said NO to the scummy use and abuse “friend” and doing all the right things to take care of yourself
Don’t waste the cosmic energy on that loser… use it to figure out how to make yourself feel better about the choices you are making.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question"Op, if you are now convinced that he is not a true friend... then why are you surprised that he is not acting as a true friend would ( staying in touch, visiting, etc )?
Where's the doubt, where's the quandary ?"
Maybe because it's pretty hard to admit to yourself that this person who seemed to actually like you when you saw them in person actually couldn't care less about you and just wanted sex. It's a hard thing to admit, at least it is for me.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 March 2012):
Yes I guess that if you have OCD that may be a big part of the problem.. Are you getting help for OCD ? Therapy ? Medications ?...
Remember anyway that if OCD impairs your control over your thoughts... you still have total control over your actions. It may take you a bit to kick him out of your head, as for kicking him out of your life that's simple and immediate : block him. Don't ever contact him any more. And keep yourself as busy as you can with pleant things, things you like. Including hanging out with your REAL , trustworthy friends .
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): He's gone silent because he's started to realise there's virtually no chance of him getting in your pants again. So to him, you're not worth putting the effort into anymore.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAlso, i actually do have OCD and i think that's partly why i can't stop thinking about it and obsessing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI broke up with him because it wasn't fair on him and i know i''m not ready to date anybody.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 March 2012):
Yes, I remember well the "friend "- back- from -Afghanistan saga...
Let's start from the end.
I am tempted to say, -good job, you did good to break up with your bf. Staying with him, while being so massively consumed by thoughts and worries about another man, showed you weren't emotionally invested enough in your bf and keeping him around was going to be ultimately manipulative and disrespectful. It does not matter if you only wanted to be "friends " with the other guy or if you were not going to have sex with him, just focusing THAT much on another guy was shortchanging your current bf of your loyalty and attention, so you made the right decisison.
But, I am only " tempted "... because I am not too sure about your motivations. I can't help thinking that, if you think your so called " friend " did not show up when he knew you were in a steady relationship .... then you might have disposed of the relationship in a conscious or subconscious attempt to lure the friend back.
I hope you did not. You would be wrong. It's not that if you are single he'd like you more , or he'd care more about you. He does not care either way, single or not- and you know it. I am sure by now you MUST know it.
That's why I don't quite understand the sense of your question. What do you mean " why he's suddenly gone silent ".You know why, you answered yourself your own question. He does not care about friendship and companionship, for those he has his gf , or main squeeze. He lied to you- people lie to get what they want, lamentable but true. He wanted to get into your pants again, he wanted you as a bit on the side- if it does not take too much time and effort. Maybe you are right, the fact that you were in a relationship may have made him think that it would have taken a bit more than usual to persuade you putting out . Or maybe not, but it does not change the substance, he wanted , or wants you, to put out, but your putting out is not even such a big priority that he 'd want to sweat it a lot for that . If it happens, fine and dandy , if it does not happen... if it won't be you it will be some other girl, no problem.
Op, if you are now convinced that he is not a true friend... then why are you surprised that he is not acting as a true friend would ( staying in touch, visiting, etc )?
Where's the doubt, where's the quandary ?
Keep your resolution to not get in touch with him, and BLOCK him so he can't get in touch with you. Move on, it's realy not worth OCDing about this episode. Live and learn: you have been taken for a ride, it happens to the best of us, it's like a rite of passage , it MUST happen. The trick is making sure that it does not happen anymore after the first time...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2012): Looks like all he wanted was a fwb situation. When he stopped taking your calls and ignored you and got together with an ex girlfriend, that is when you should have called it quits (1).
Eventually he told you the truth that he was involved, and only wanted friendship, yet he still tried to get it on with you. Which means he was prepared to cheat on his girlfriend! Call it quits (2)
After you cut him off temporarily, you gave him another chance when he got deployed, which was wonderful of you to support and encourage him while he was there. The least he could have done when he returned is is be appreciative and be your friend, instead he ignores you and makes like you don't exist. Again, time to call it quits! (3)
When he had leave, he again tried to kiss you, while still having his girlfriend. Time to call it quits (4)
When he had opportunity, he didn't make it official and make you his girlfriend. Instead, he constantly tries to use you and cheat on his actual girlfriend.
When you updated your profile, his WORDS said he is happy for you, but his ACTIONS tell another story. He stopped contact and hasn't kept to your planned catch up. Unless he was really interested, it's the only reason that would explain him going silent, but then he would need to end things with the girl he keeps trying to cheat on. Perhaps he realised you had moved on, and he had no more opportunities, even fwb!
You've broken up with your boyfriend as you don't feel you should be in a relationship now. Use this time to think clearly about what you want and don't want, and what you will and will not accept.
If he does eventually contact you and plans to meet up, don't allow it to go beyond friendship. He previously told you he only wanted friendship, yet he keeps trying to get more out of you, without the commitment of a relationship. Don't allow that, you deserve more. You need a clean break from him if he can't respect you and your friendship. If he forces your hand to finally quit having him in your life, then be free and find someone who deserves your time and love.
Best Wishes
xxxx E
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