A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've gone off sex with my husband but I still really love him and am scared he's going to leave me eventually because of it. It's not just sex, I just don't want any kind of affection off him. Off anyone really. No hugging, no kissing, no holding hands. The thing is I do really enjoy his company and doing stuff with him but at arms length. Socially distanced if you like!Most nights when we get in bed he'd spoon me but because I now never respond it's turned into a lazy arm drape before he says goodnight and we fall asleep. I've got an extra blanket which I snuggle into whenever we're facing each other, all so he can't really touch me. I'm basically putting up barriers I will fully admit. He asks me all the time if I'm OK or if something's up and I fudged the issue for ages before finally revealing how I really felt. I told him he hasn't done anything wrong, which is true he genuinely hasn't. But all I could say was that I just can't help it. I just get these feelings of disgust and discomfort whenever he tries to touch me. He didn't really say much at first and claimed he was 'ok' but I could definitely tell he was upset. Ever since then he's just been really quiet and distant.The other day we were sat watching TV after he'd put the kids to bed and he seemed miserable. Depressed even. I know the lack of affection is clearly getting to him and he obviously feels like I've pushed him away. Last night I decided to try my best to show him some affection but even giving him a hug just felt like a chore and I hated it. I just don't get why I'm feeling like this at all and more worryingly I don't know how long he'd be willing to put up with it. If the shoe was on the other foot as it were and it was him who didn't want to show any kind of affection towards me I would feel completely rejected AND think he was playing away. Can anyone else identify with this? Should this be happening to me at 34?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2021): I'm inclined to think that your most important obstacle here is the fact that you did not see it coming.
You could not. There was no reason to.
I'd even bet that no one to whom this has happened has ever seen it coming, has ever seen the need to anticipate that 'our couple' could see the same 'tribulation' as *those* people.
I'm not in your shoes. What I'm saying is certainly not the absolute truth, just, hopefully, part of it.
My best guess, the best 'model' I have come up with for a situation such as yours is that before you got married, it never occurred to you to assess just how much of your feeling of being 'in love' was due to your willingness to bear children, and use your use-it-or-lose-it gift from Nature.
It is said that there comes a time in life when it's not about the butterflies, it's not about the magical spark, it's about Love as a deliberate action.
It is my belief that what is happening to you is something perfectly normal, albeit one that the story books have not found particularly interesting to talk about. You are not the first, you are not the last.
Do you need to pay a psychologist/psychiatrist/sexologist to come and reassure you with some 'professional' name that he'd come up with for your situation, or is it enough for you to say "F*ck this shit! I know who we are. We are not the first, we are not the last. This is not going to stop us!" ?
Loving your husband, as a deliberate action, what it is? only you can decide, by looking within yourself, for the quintessence of who you two are.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 October 2021):
 I would go see your doctor.
While I think it is not "abnormal" to happen in long-term relationships but usually there IS a reason.
Did you gain weight? Did he?
Do you two do ANYTHING together other than the usual routine?
Have you dealt with postpartum? Depression?
It can be hormonal for sure. 34 is a BIT too young for menopause, I'd wager but there can be other hormonal issues.
I think a visit to your doctor is a good start. Also, talk to your husband (maybe don't start with telling him that you find his touch repulsive though... Just tell him you do not feel like your usual self and you don't understand or know what is going on so you are making a doctor appointment.)
I also think you NEED to really think about when this started, maybe if you have an idea it will lead you down the path to how you ended up like this.
Also, SPEND time with your husband. Do things together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2021): It sounds as if you have no sexual feelings towards your husband. You like his company and want to be his friend, but that's all.
Sadly for both of you, it doesn't work that way. Your husband is not going to be happy with your physical rejection of him and if he still loves you, being your friend will only hurt him more.
Maybe go for marriage counselling to discover your what your real feelings are, but I think it's pretty obvious that your marriage as a sexual relationship is over.
He needs to find someone who can love him like he wants to be loved and you need to find someone who you feel sexual about.
I got engaged to a man who I liked so much, I thought I could be happy spending the rest of my life with him without that spark. I know this isn't the same situation as I could give him affection and sex, but after I met someone with whom I did feel that spark, I had to admit that my feelings for him were not as sexual as they could have been. I think that when you like someone so much, that it's possible to misinterpret that feeling for sexual love, but in reality they're just someone you get on really well with.
To try to be fair to this poor man, suggest counselling together if he is willing. If however, it turns out that this isn't the guy for you, then you have to let him go, friendship and all, to allow him to move on.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (31 October 2021):
 In my experience, most men and women differ in their outlook where it comes to sex. Most men need sex to feel loved whereas most women need to feel loved before wanting sex. Do you feel "unloved" in some way?
Have you discussed this with your doctor in case some sort of hormone imbalance or other physical/mental health issue is causing this problem? How old are your children? Could this be a form of post natal depression?
Does your husband pull his weight at home, especially with the children? If you are the only parent who cares for the children, day in and day out, then perhaps you are just too tired for sex? Do you ever just cuddle without your husband seeing it as a lead up to sex? Perhaps if you associate any sort of physical affection with sex, you are withholding the former to avoid the latter?
Were the children planned? Are you perhaps worried about falling pregnant again, hence avoiding sex to avoid the chance of another pregnancy?
Do you have money worries? Do you have other worries (e.g. career, neighbours, etc)?
Lots of suggestions to consider. I hope something rings a bell and helps you get to the bottom of this problem.
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