A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi and thank you for reading my question. What would you say if your husband or wife asked you if you thought you could find the same connection with anyone else that you share with them (your husband/wife)? Or could THIS connection ever be repeatable in life, with anyone else?I asked that question to my husband a couple of days ago. Will you say it was a stupid question I should never have asked, and that I set myself up for an answer I did not want to hear, or was not prepared for? Or why did I even ask this question at all?Here is my husband's answer. He doesn't know. He hasn't met everyone else in the world, so he doesn't know or cannot say with certainty. So he does not know but YES, it is possible! Not likely but possible! He said something hurtful but followed up with he does not want to lie to me! He said he does not live in a fairy tale and that people do not live happily ever after and that he is not the romantic type! He answered the question philosophically. He saw how upset his comments made me. Then he said BUT he is not looking or not interested but that part did not seem to matter to me. It seemed he was trying to do damage control. Then later, he apologized for saying he misinterpreted my question, which he did not. He just saw how upset I was and tried to smooth things over, but even today, almost 2 days later, I am still upset. And I cannot seem to let it go.I will need some advice from kind strangers here. Am I over reacting? Is this my fault? I would like to know how to smooth things over because since he said that, things have been very tense. And I am questioning his love and commitment to me. And honestly, I don't feel very special to him. So, if it is possible he can have a connection with any woman at any time, should I be worried that once he finds that woman, or runs into that woman, even if he is not looking, that I will be replaced because connections can be found at every corner, with just about anyone?He did not ask me the same question but I answered it anyway. I told him it is NOT possible for me to find this connection I have with my husband with ANYONE ELSE at any time. Because I LOVE HIM. And I, unlike him, do know the answer and I do know with certainty! And it does not matter if I have met every other person on earth, I am certain I will never find this kind of love again. And that is not a fairy tale. That is a fact.I ask you if you think maybe this relationship is one sided where I might love him more, or too much and he does not love me enough, or equally, or how I want him to love me?We seem to have this same issue repeating. And it never seems resolved. I seem to worry he does not love me enough. Or the same way. And it causes problems. His saying statements like this only adds fuel to the fire.How can I deal with this? I hate feeling insecure about his love for me, when I know how much I love him.Thank you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2021): Did you live in a goldfish bowl before you met him? I find it hard to believe he is the only man you have had a connection with and possibly loved so why would it not be possible for that to happen again if for whatever reason you didn't remain together?
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 October 2021):
 Well, sometimes the truth is a slap in the face.
While I don't think you can "recreate" the SAME exact relationship with someone else I think you can without doubt make connections just as meaningful (or even MORE meaningful) at times.
So I will give your husband "points for being honest and truthful with you". BUT he also shot himself in the foot.
You asked a question to which YOU wanted ONE answer. That you are not replaceable EVER. And you didn't get that answer. THAT is on you. It was a "do I look fat in this dress" kind of question where your husband was really walking a minefield no matter what. He COULD have lied to you. But you might have sensed that. So he told you the truth as HE sees it.
And I get that it sucks to hear.
You are a romantic, he is pragmatic.
It's OK. OP what he said doesn't mean he WILL want to replace you or that you aren't special to him. After all, HE married YOU. HE is sharing a life with YOU.
I agree with YCNBS, you need to work on your insecurities. HE can't fix that for you.
You are setting him up for failure over things that are really IRRELEVANT.
IT IS irrelevant that HE thinks he CAN find love if you two are no longer together. UNLESS he goes looking for one right now. And that is NOT what he said.
I think you should read :The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
Book by Gary Chapman
You two most likely SHOw love and want to receive love in different ways. It's good to know what your partner likes and show him what you like.
It's OK.
Chin up.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (31 October 2021):
 You admit you are insecure. Your insecurity is YOUR problem, not your husband's. Your husband is secure enough in the relationship to answer questions as honestly as he can, whereas YOU lie in an effort to get him to say what you want to hear. Yes, that's right, I did say LIE. You may FEEL like you could never have the same connection with someone else but you do not KNOW that. You cannot possibly know that. Just because you state it does not make it fact.
God forbid, if something happened and your husband died, would you spend the rest of your life alone and never look at another man? For a while, yes, but for the rest of your life? I doubt it.
People who have enjoyed a good marriage mostly try to find another partner after they lose their original partner because they want to replicate the happiness they previously shared. People who had miserable marriages usually avoid other relationships as they feel happier on their own than in the wrong relationship. They don't want to repeat past mistakes. It doesn't sound like you specified the circumstances under which your husband might meet this "other woman". Perhaps your husband was thinking of a completely different scenario to what you are envisaging? Perhaps HE was thinking of a possible time without you whereas YOU sere thinking he could cheat?
Your priority should be to work on your own insecurity. You cannot control what others do or how they feel.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2021): You are the anxious partner in your relationship so you ask him questions to validate your own insecurity. I'll be honest my interpretation of you is that you ask him various questions along the same lines to try and alleviate your own insecurities but here is the thing it's your mindset and thoughts that lead you to question him and anything he says you look for validation how you feel is right.
I would take from what he said that he is a realist and IF you and him were not together it is possible he could find that again.
Put it this way my aunts husband of forty years she loved dearly died and for two years she was absolutely heartbroken. She met her now partner and while he is nothing like my uncle she has clearly found someone who has made her smile again and they clearly have a deep affection for each other so yes of course it is possible.
You need to look at building your self confidence and reducing your anxious thoughts because his reply to you isn't the problem it's what's driving you to constantly question him that is x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2021): Talk about wanting to find problems where there aren't any! Your husband sounds as if he loves you. If you carry on with this ridiculous charade, then that might affect his feelings for you.
Your husband is entirely correct in my opinion. There is NOT the ONE person we can make a deep connection with on this earth, there are probably thousands! Otherwise, how do you think it's possible that if there was only ONE person you can share a deep connection with, that we always find each other?!
You ARE living in a dreamland/fantasy fairy tale because the connection you share with your husband is not the only connection you would ever find if you met everyone in the world, probably in the state!
What you have to deal with, and what we ALL have to deal with when we fall in love, is that there is a potential for the relationship to fail and yes, that can be because one partner or the other meets someone else that they feel a deep connection with, even deeper!
This is life. This is reality.
You seem to want the stark facts of life sugar coated for you and some sort of guarantee that he will never meet anyone else. You can't ask that, it's not possible to say that it will never happen.
Your husband answered your daft question truthfully, not intending to hurt you I'm sure, but he spoke the truth. It's possible for all of us, to be temporarily mesmerised by someone else, even if you're in love. The test of your relationship is whether one intends to act on that or not. Your husband didn't say he would be influenced by that, just that it's possible to feel a deep connection with more than one person on this earth. He didn't mean at the same time as you!
Once he saw that you were upset and needed your answer to be, 'Of course not! I'll never love anyone as much as you!" he backtracked to try to make you happy.
Men are usually rather fact based when talking about emotions, when you just wanted reassurance.
Go about it a different way instead of setting him up for a fail and yourself up for heartache.
Ask him outright if he loves you, better still, make sure he knows you love him by making your time together fun, not some silly test, that any one with a factual brain is going to fail!
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A
female
reader, Tanuki +, writes (31 October 2021):
Yes,you are over reacting. Your husband is just being realistic. If it were not possible to find a connection with someone more than once in life, then no one who was bereaved or divorced would get remarried. There is no need to feel insecure, your husband is with you because he loves you. It is a horrible feeling to be constantly worried your husband will leave you and from what I read here, this is all in your own head. I don't think he will. There are lots of ways to help manage your insecurity: therapy, self help books, cognitive behavioral therapy. I would invest some time working on yourself. Your life will be much happier without being plagued by fear
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A
female
reader, Tanuki +, writes (31 October 2021):
Yes,you are over reacting. Your husband is just being realistic. If it were not possible to find a connection with someone more than once in life, then no one who was bereaved or divorced would get remarried. There is no need to feel insecure, your husband is with you because he loves you.
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