A
female
age
30-35,
*hi__x
writes:I am 19 and only lost my virginity a month ago. Since then, I have had sex with my boyfriend twice, both times very uncomfortable and don't feel anything unless it is pain. I know this is quite common after you lose your virginity, to be painful for the next few times.But doing anything sexually, even kissing sometimes, I hate. My boyfriend is extremely understanding and I have only been with him for 3 months.The confusing part is that I love masturbating. I've been masturbating since I was around 14 and now do it 3-4 times a week averagely and always orgasm. But in the last year, when it comes to being with other people I hate it and don't orgasm anymore. I've tried not masturbating incase it kills my sex drive with my boyfriend, but it's still the same.It makes me think maybe it's emotional? My first sexual/longterm relationship broke down because I was going through depression at the time (after a serious surgery) and my feelings and attraction to him disappeared and never came back.After that the next sexual relationship I had the guy ended up hurting me extremely badly.Since then I have been with a few guys and tried many different things but I have not enjoyed anything sexual. As soon as things get heated I get a feeling of dread. It feels more like a chore than anything.Anyone feel the same as this? How can I get past my seemingly emotional issue with sex? How can I enjoy it?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, nallia  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 simplest question yet which you probably didn't see comming:
your lesbian.
you enjoy the toys and the touch but you get turned off when its men, i am betting your a lesbian or at least bi, but prefer tits to cock.
every person goes through that i did even i am very much straight.
but also a medical answer, some girls out there just don't get turned on. for instance me, i can read a hot steamy romance novel and be all horny, but as soon as i have the oporunity to act it out...i don't i'm no longer horny.
as for the toys, i never used them, nor had i ever had the desire to play with myself, i only used one once, and still nothing.
also another med fact, girls don't hit there sexual peek until 25 i am 23 and have yet to know what an orgasm is and its not horrible sex believe me its all good hot sex, just doesn't make me horny i am more for foreplay or light touches thats what gets me going anyway.
but i would say, you hadn't hit your peek, hadn't found the right guy who can sexually comment you, or your lesbian. and as a side not, sex isn't everything a good long last relationship is built off of respect, loyalty, understanding, trust, and TALKING. sex is a plus but not needed. i have had multiple partners and i prefer the connection that can be made by simply cuddling or talking, you get to know the person better, it is said in a relationship you are suppose to complement each other, but some things aren't all. talking and personality are two major things, even opinion or belief or moral standard. sex is not something that has to be connected on but it can be altered to bring pleasure. but everything else matters more then the physical trust me.
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (5 January 2011):
 You are aware that depression kills the sex drive?
And yes, sex often is emotional. A catch 22 is that if a woman is uncomfotable with sex because she fears it might hurt she will not get aroused so the sex will hurt.
There is something missing from your story. You never mention affection for your bf. Why not?
Why are you with him? "because I love him so much" is the wrong answer as well however. WHY are you with him?
Are you with him because as a girl you are expected to have a boyfriend but really aren't comfortable with him. Not even because of him but because of the past? Perhaps fearing he will turn out the same?
You might love this one but don't mention it. Either you don't love him or fear loving him and taking the risk that love asks because of the past.
Decide where you stand and whether the hurt goes to deep to fix on your own. Depression is nothing to take lightly. It might take profesional help. It think your final questions might be a bridge to far right now. If it is distrust then you first must learn to trust again.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Wow.. lots going on there..
Yes, you are right, it's partly to do with the way you've been treated in the past, partly due to painful sex, partly learned behaviour for dealing with sex/romantic issues that are problematic.
Best thing is to suggest you ask your doctor for an appointment with a counsellor, because you need someone to talk to about all this, and the space on Dear Cupid is short.
Do you love your boyfriend, if you don't love him it's easy to push him away.
And yes your right, this has nothing to do with masturbation. Actually I like the fact you masturbate, this will keep your sexual desire in action and make sure you do not forget about sex.
What actions do you like. Do you mind giving and receiving oral sex? Would you let your partner masturbate you. There is no point forcing yourself to do things you don't enjoy, you will just start to hate him.
You push him away because you are angry because sex hurts, you are also angry and embarrassed with yourself because you think you are broken. Your not, your body and brain have just received messages that link men and sex with pain, and you are trying to protect yourself.
If you can't kiss him, we got serious problems... you need to at least like him a little for you to work through this.
Sigh... Don't worry, you are normal and you are young. Do not force yourself to do anything that disgusts or hurts you. Do as much as you can to make sure that both you and your boyfriend feel loved and cared for. Take things slow, stop penetrative sex for now, it hurts and you don't like it, do other things instead. Use lubrication if you and your boyfriend must have sex.
Go back to the beginning, start just kissing, touching and making out as if you are strangers. Work up slowly to getting nude and having sexual intercourse. You, body and mind, need time and retraining again.
Ps: Check you contraception using google.. my contraceptive pill made me moody, turned me off sex and made me push my partner away.. Check with your local family planning clinic, they will also have sex counsellors available to help you. Don't be shy, at your age, feeling comfortable with your mind and body and being able to have a responsible, enjoyable sex life is important...The doctors and nurse are trained to help and they understand.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (5 January 2011):
 Was there anything else in your past that was traumatic for you during a sexual experience? I know a lot of women who go through this problem.
Do you and your bf use foreplay? Preheat the oven and all that? Do you love him? I found that if I don't love the person then I am just not into having sex with that person and don't enjoy it at all. If I am having sex or doing sexual things just to please the guy and I don't want to be sexual at that time, I also don't enjoy that.
Have you considered talking to someone?
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