A
male
age
41-50,
*obbybarker87
writes:Dear Cupid, I am 27 years old and recently engaged, everything in our relationship is awesome except one thing: We dont have sex! I want to and I feel i need to, but my fiance never wants to. She always makes some kind of excuse or says something like "we definitely will tonight" than we don't! She always says she is too tired and even sometimes when I want to hold her at night she pushes me away. We have sex maybe once every two weeks. It seems like the only time when we have sex is whenever we drink! But the problem with that is that we stopped drinking every weekend!! I don't know if this sounds bad but I need sex, not once a week but more often than once a week! She recently started a new career and has a tough job, but please help me find out why she doesn't want to have sex... any reason??thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): Man I am in the EXACT situation. I dont understand either and frankly the lack of intamcy in our relationship is really like a cancer that is spreading into other areas for us. I no longer feel the need to move heaven and earth to "woo" her with flowers, gifts, sweet little notes on the bathroom mirror when I leave for work etc.. I might get to make love with her once every two weeks but it has gone past the month mark a few times. What is truely astonishing to me is it doesnt even occur to her how long its been. I will ask her, " Honey, do you realize how long its been since we made love?" Her reply,"a week or so?". Thats when I chime in with," Try about 33 days. THIRTY THREE DAYS!!" "Oh, Im sorry honey but you know I have been working and not getting many days off.". I work at a factory and in the last eight weeks I have either pulled 60 or 72 hour weeks every week. She works at a bank and is limited to 40 hours with absolutely no overtime permitted. I am here to tell you that my male parts didnt fall off or stop working while I was at work but yet she feels that this is a viable excuse. My gripe is not the excusses but rather the lack of interest considering our hot and firery start a year and a half ago. Now we are engaged and I love her so much, but am seriously looking at the possibility of walking away because of the following question, "If it is like this now after a year and half, what will it be like 6 or 7 years into our marriage?" and I think we all know the answer to that. It looks like their are no easy answers here.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): http://www.epigee.org/guide/pill_sex.html
http://www.fitnessmagazine.com/health/sex/birth-control-more/birth-control-pills-hurting-sex-drive/
You can find a lot more articles on this. I have read about this on women's health forums before.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): "Also can it be the birth control she has been on for a long time? Could be taking her desire away?"
Oh yes, it definitely can. Different pills affect each woman differently. One will kill one woman's libido and not affect a different woman, but a different pill might. Have her talk to her doctor about a change in the pill she is taking. Often a different one will not be a problem at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2009): hi i am going through the exact same thing you are going through, except my fiancee wont tell me why... i ask for sex in a nice way and not just oh i want sex and i still get turned away, it getts me realy frustrated and most time so angry because i dont want to argue with her but more so that i dont know what is happening to us. she doesnt talk to me at all. she would rather stay on her phone texting her mates or stay on facebook than talk to me. we dont realy go out much as there isnt realy much to do around here and funds are tight, but im am on my last straw. i dont want to lose her as i love her dearly but she just wont open up to me and tell me why. all i get is i dont enjoy it. i try so hard to get her to enjoy it but i just fight a loseing battle. we have been together for 4 and a half years and not once has she reached orgasim. i feel realy let down as i keep thinking its me but what am i to do... i dont know what i can do no more as i love to make love to her but i just keep geting pushed away. then im the one being distant! how! have u guys got any advise? i cant talk to her as she just gets the strops. im 23 and she is 22. HELP!
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A
male
reader, bobbybarker87 +, writes (4 August 2009):
bobbybarker87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto answer a question the answerer had:
Yes she was drunk when we met but we waited a few dates before we had sex.
Also can it be the birth control she has been on for a long time? Could be taking her desire away?
Also when we first started having sex I couldn't keep her off of me. She wanted to have sex when her parents were in the other room, she wanted it on the floor the couch the steps.. now..ha!
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A
male
reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (4 August 2009):
 You two just have mismatched sex drives. It’s as simple as that. I know a lot of girls who are like this. To them sex is kind of fun in the beginning of the relationship when it’s new and exciting. And of course they want to please you because they like you and want you to stick around. Then the newness wears off, and they start to wonder why it’s such a big deal. Then they start asking why it’s so important to you, and if that's the only reason that you are with them. The more you try to get it, the more they get turned off. Of course, once they start drinking, it’s a whole different story. They all of a sudden become flirtatious and sexual. However after a while, in my experience, girls like this tend to eventually stop flirting with their partners when they get drunk and start focusing their drunken affections on other guys. Was she drunk the first time you two hooked up by any chance?A lot of people will tell you to stop asking for sex and be more attentive to her non-sexual needs. It doesn't matter. You can be the sweetest, most sensitive, most non-sexually affectionate partner, in the world, and you still won't get sex but once every blue moon. Trust me; this will only get worse after you are married. Going without sex will go from weeks to months and then to years. In a few years, you'll be miserable wondering how you got stuck in a sexless marriage. Just look on this website for questions like yours. You'll find that there are lots of husbands who repeatedly move heaven and earth for their wives and they still don't get any. I've heard stories from men who's wives stopped having sex with them altogether after they had the number of children they wanted. Heed the warning signs now before you are married. If sex is important to you then find a girl who has a strong sex drive. Trust me they are out there. I've been with my girl for almost two years and we still have sex at least once or twice a day. Her sex drive is insatiable. I am usually the one having to turn her down out of sheer exhaustion. And she's loyal too. She hasn't so much looked at another guy since we've been together. Girls like this are out there. Don't settle.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (4 August 2009):
 I could write you a list as long as my own arm with reasons why she doesnt want sex anymore; but the only way you are going to find out the real answer is to ask her!
Sex often slows down in a relationship and you may just be going through a phase, however it is always better to just come out and say it to your fiancee otherwise she will be left feeling unwanted and you will be getting more frustrated!
When you are both at home on night just ask if you can have a few minutes to talk and say pretty much what you have said on here. Tell her that everything in your relationship is great and you are excited about getting married etc etc but you are worried about your sex life. Explain that you would like sex a bit more frequently, ideally xxxx times a week. Ask her if there is a reason why she hasnt been interested in sex recently and ask if there is anything you can do to help get her interest in sex back.
It will be a tough conversation but it is better to get it out there, so she knows that you are not currently happy with the frequency you are having sex. She needs to understand that it is important to you and that you miss the closeness you used to have together (try not to make it sound like you need sex, rather that it makes your relationship better etc).
If you approach it right then she should be more than happy to listen and try and accomodate your feelings too. If all else fails then buy a bottle of wine for you to share when you have your evening meal and she might loosen up a bit!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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