A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I am still kind of sort of fond of my ex boyfriend, it has been years since we have saw each other plans to see each other but when the time comes its always something that gets in the way.We had a conversation on the phone with each other yesterday and it was about being pure again, he doesn't believe me when I say I have not been in a sexual relationship with a man in 11 years, but he doesn't believe me he says I am lying. But he has been truthful about he's own doings and I respect that but why can't the shoes fit the other foot. I believe him why doesn't he believe me? I told him I am keeping my self pure for a husband I am getting older no time for games I just want happiness. Um in the past both of us have cheated but when I moved away I decided I want a husband not to say they don't cheat cause some husbands do while other are giving it 100. And I really thnk I deserve that lifestyle being with a man who's going to love me for me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2013): Thanks everyone:) I needed this pep talk
A
male
reader, GentleGiant  +, writes (14 September 2013):
You know as well as anybody else that trust is so easily broken but so hard to mend. It is also one of the biggest deal breakers in maintaining a successful relationship. There is another saying that actions speak louder than words. There is no point in worrying about the past. Whether you have changed your ways and have not had sex for God knows how long is really not any of his business. Your x is your x for a good reason. You have re invested in your self and want more than what you have experienced in the past. You deserve to pat yourself on the shoulder and be given congrats. It is very hard to do what you are doing and again your fortitude and strength are to be commended. Say good bye to your x and look forward to your future. He is history and you are about to embark on a new journey of self discovery with your life. If you want to get your hymen repaired surgically that can be done also. And there is nothing wrong with doing that either. It is so nice and refreshing to hear a woman who has come into her own and who wants a committed monogamous relationship with one man and who can clearly now see things in a different light. You again are to be commended and would make a excellent role model to any young woman. Hold your head up high and move forward i am sure you will find your prince charming. Good-luck. xoxo
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A
female
reader, PeachCobbler03 +, writes (14 September 2013):
 You don't need validation or approval from your ex-boyfriend. Why is his opinion so important to you? If you know it to be true that you've been celibate for 11 years, then whether he considers you a liar or not is irrelevant.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): You first mistake is trying to recycle the past with your ex.
You both have a history of cheating and he doesn't believe you; because one of the reasons you broke up is the lack of trust. Ding ding ding!!! Red-flag!!!
Your persistence in trying to convince him you're a virgin without a hymen is already creating conflict. He is calling you a liar. He is placing the burden of proof on your shoulders, and all you have is your word.
So now what?
Remember all the reasons you broke up with this guy? Recall all the things you did wrong, and all the things he did? The only remedy you could find to fix it, was to break up.
It must have been a long and lonely eleven years. Avoiding intimacy and hanging on to your ex. Setting unrealistic criteria in your mind, that you know no one could ever meet.
Thinking time would give you back your hymen, rewind time, and that withholding sex would find you the perfect man. Thinking denying yourself sexual pleasure, will avoid games.
At the end, you're still alone and desperate. I say that, because you've given up and went back to someone you already know was a mistake. After being the ice-queen for all this time, you saved yourself to go back to that jerk?
Seriously!?
His opinions and everything else about him is nothing but bad memories. He was the lesson learned long ago. Don't repeat history. How big does the "X" have to be, to remind you he was the wrong guy for you? Maybe he has changed in a lot of ways. Age tends to do that. However; personalities tend to linger. If he has changed 100%, he's your ex. Let your decision stand.
He hasn't changed in one respect, and that happens to be one of the most important ways.
He doesn't trust you, and doesn't mind saying so.
In all honesty, you shouldn't give a rat's ass. Saving yourself when you're over forty isn't going to make any guarantees. Only that you starve yourself for sexual pleasure; while the men you'll meet aren't. You're proving nothing. You're not improving your chances of getting a husband. Bless you for your high morals and avoidance of sexually transmitted diseases. That's a huge plus in your favor!
Setting yourself on a mission to get a husband is always a huge mistake women make. It's believing you can't survive life without one. What if you don't find one? Is your happiness set on that? Guess what? Sometimes life decides we have to live-out our lives without a spouse.
That's why your happiness is placed in your hands. That's why love happens spontaneously. It's a wonderful surprise and blessing sprung on us. It's not the prize at the end of a treasure-hunt. You might find a husband, he might not be a good one. Not if you're settling for your ex.
If your mission comes up empty, you wind up desperate and frustrated. Stop looking for a husband. Let him find you. If you've had sex with a few guys, it's none of his business. As long as it was meaningful, and safe-sex.
If you want to do something to prove you're worthy, learn to be self-reliant, independent, joyful, generous, and grateful for life. Then you're the prize.
To get the right man takes more than keeping yourself pure. Most men will not believe you went without sex for 11 years anyway; and will wonder what's wrong with you.
You have to have confidence. Know your self-worth. Do a reality check, and make sure you aren't being too cynical; and your opinion of men isn't tainted with insecurity.
If your taste and choices in men hasn't changed in the last 11 years, it's no wonder you've been unsuccessful. If you pick losers, you'll lose.
The years may have dealt you a hard blow. As we mature, the lessons learned shouldn't make us bitter, or fearful of taking risks. We should know what didn't work for us in the past. First and foremost, we must forgive ourselves for our past mistakes. Realize we are humans interacting with other humans. We all make mistakes. Even God, in His perfection, forgives.
Get out there and continue seeing other men. Judge them by how they treat you. Drop the banner advertising your celibacy. It isn't going to make anyone see a 21 year-old virgin. Just a sexually-frustrated desperate lady. You have punished yourself enough for your past cheating.
You have atoned for your sins; and must move forward. "Ex-cluding" your "ex." Bury him with your past. He has proven, he is still the wrong man for you.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (14 September 2013):
 He's your ex for reason and his current attitude certainly shows you're well out of it.
Why should you care what he thinks anyway? You couldn't possibly prove it but you don't need to do you? Anyway what the hell has it got to do with him?
If you wish to save yourself for a future husband, then that's your choice.
The past is the past and can't be changed. Any new relationship you have should be based on trust and it shouldn't matter what you did or didn't do in previous times and relationships. It only matters what you do whilst you are in that relationship.
I've said it before and I'll say it again, people judge others by their own standards of behaviour. If you are an honest, faithful trustworthy soul then you will treat others in the same light, at least until they prove themselves to be different.
Your ex no doubt is still putting it about, and playing around. Because he is behaving in a manner that is sneaky, disrespectful, selfish and untruthful he will treat others as he himself behaves.
Hence he won't believe what you say because your behaviour is incomprehensible to him, he won't be able to imagine anyone have that level of self control.
I wouldn't bother discussing it with him again, it's intimate and none of his business.
Move on from him and stop caring about his opinion. Yours and your future husbands is all that matters and I'm certain he's out there waiting for you.
I hope this helps AB x
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