A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for 4 months. I've dated a lot of guys but actually falling for a guy is rare for me. But I definitely fell for with my current boyfriend, hard. And it scares me. A long time ago I was in a sexually and emotionally abusive relationship, and I was cheated on, which left me with very little self esteem and some bad trust issues, all of which still effect me to this day. I also feel lonely a lot...My mom is quite detached from me emotionally and I'm home alone 98% of the time, and I often find myself crying myself to sleep many nights because I wish somebody, anybody, was lying next to me. I hate to admit this but, because of this loneliness, I'm never single for long...Even if whoever asks me out is someone I'm not really into (although I'm definitely into my current boyfriend), I just feel the most comfortable when I'm in a relationship.It took me quite a long time to trust my current boyfriend and I used to get jealous a lot, but slowly and surely I'm becoming more trusting and comfortable with him and I no longer get jealous as much as I did. He's never lied to me or done anything to hurt me and he has seen the best and worst sides of me, and has stayed with me through it. I've told him about my abusive past so he could understand me better and he was very reassuring and made me feel a lot better. But, although I try my best to hide it from him, I can be very needy when it comes to our relationship. My boyfriend has little to no prior dating experience (we are both virgins, and I'm the first girl he's kissed), and he is kind of a shy person, so physical affection and being "loveydovey" does not come natural to him (he will cuddle with me occasionally but getting a kiss from him and other things is rare). Sometimes I misunderstand this as him just not being interested in me and it makes the neediness in me come out. Sometimes if he spends more time with other friends than he does with me, I get upset with him. We never have full-on fights and he is great about listening to me and being respectful of my concerns, but my mood is actually starting to depend on him and his behavior and I absolutely hate that about me. I know its only hurting our relationship and my happiness, and he doesn't deserve to have that kind of pressure. I want so badly to be able to go a day without thinking about him, a day without over-analyzing every little thing he says or does, and to be able to feel happy even when our relationship is in a "rough patch". I try so hard to hide my neediness from him but I know that he can most likely see it anyway. I wish I could just remember what life was like when I was single, but since I'm almost always dating someone, I don't even remember what it was like to be single anymore (sad, I know!)I care a lot about my boyfriend, he's a great guy and a keeper who I definitely don't want to lose, but I know my neediness and worrying will quite possibly make me lose him. How can I become more independent, secure, and able to think about other things besides him? Also, would becoming less attached to him and more involved in other things make him think about me less and make us grow apart? Because I'm worried about that as well...Thank you all for your help!
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both virgins, emotionally abusive, jealous, self esteem, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2013): Thats what love does to you: you think about your love all the time, affraid to loose him, analyzing every word he says. It's very natural to be in this state when you are in love. Frankly I would very much like to go there and feel it again, this first passion moments. I don't see how you are needy. I don't even like this concept at all. We all need each other, otherwise no one would ever get married. I don't see anything wrong with your behavour. You want to be with him all the time, you want him to lay down with you at night, it's all natural. This is how people act when they want to be together. If you act cooler toward him, you will be lying. Do what you want to do. If he doesn't want your company that much find someone who does. The fact that he is not kissing you that much you might contribute to you not having sex. Guys kisses a girl, he want to have intercourse, but he can't. Then he is hurting down there, and only feels frustration. That's why may be very limited kissing. You sound a bit sad with the rest of your life. It will be ony better for you if you go out of your house more often, man's picked up few passions for yourself, like dancing, some classes. Also why don't you ask him if he want to stay over one night, if you are both virgins, then you won't do it, just sleeping together is very nice. Hope your mom wouldn't mind. When I was dating my future husband, I was a virgin also. He lived on a different part of town, and one day my mom offered him to stay. He started actually crashing at our house several times a week, and we just slept in one bed for couple months before we had sex, but in his house. My mom was reluctant of me sleeping over his house, but he was always welcome to stay overnight. It was very nice, we had dinner, watched 3 of us TV shows, talked, had late night deserts In a kitchen, it was lovely. Then he held me in his arms all night, sometimes complaining about us not having sex and what a torture it is for him:).
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (14 September 2013):
 Hi OP,
Did you ever get counselling after the abusive relationship? If not, I think it would really help you.
You mention your mum is emotionally detached. It makes sense why you are unable to tolerate being single and why you feel over-attached to your boyfriend. You are terrified of being alone. Again this can be addressed with therapy.
I think you need to address these issues with professional help. Your boyfriend sounds like a nice guy, but what happens if it ends? I worry that you'd put up with almost anyone to avoid being alone, and that leaves you vulnerable to just the type or relationship you're recovering from - an abusive one.
With your boyfriend, I think you should let him know how you feel. And long term, I believe you need to get out there and make some friends, find some things you like doing, establish yourself as an individual who could stand on her own with no boyfriend. Then you'll be less anxious when going through rough patches. You'll have better perspective, more strength.
There's a good book called Reinventing your Life by Young and Klosko. It was recommended to me by a psychologist (I have a somewhat similar story to you) and it was pretty good. It might help you.
All the best x
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A
female
reader, :)31215 +, writes (14 September 2013):
 Hi,So you not have any friends of your own to hang out with? From personal experiance I can say its easiest to be distracted. Do you have a hobby? Any uni work to throw yourself into?if you go out and make new friends it should help you build more confidence and self esteem. It's a hard road but it's worth it in the end. Time will also help. The longer you're both together the more comfortable you will both be with each other.That you've told him about your abuse is great. It will help him see and understand better. What was his views/comments? Have you explained this neediness to him, also?It may take a while for the lovey dovey stuff to really become natural to him, but if he knows it is important to you, im sure he will work kn it. He sounds like a very caring guy.Hope this helps you a little.. :)
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