A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Me and my gf, we moved in together 3 weeks ago. I got a new, very time-consuming job a week ago and her classes (she's a student) started at the same time. So we both come home tired, and I have to go to bed at 10 P.M. to wake up for work. As I come home after a long hard day, I feel deep tranquillity and don't have any mental forces left for conflict. She, on the other hand, comes home very short-tempered and easily driven into frenzy. So the day before yesterday she came home and started shouting at me from the door as I asked what she wanted me to buy, I barely reacted and went shopping for food, but as I came back, she was shouting and screaming again because her internet connection was up and down all the time. She nearly bursted into tears and said that there was nothing in our home made by me that is good. I made\put together a lot of stuff, from wifi and PCs to furniture and pipework, so this time it cut deep. I fixed the wifi and went to bed in despair.As I came home yesterday, I told her I was sorry for before hoping to stop the conflict situation and hear the same thing in response, but all she said was "Sorry is not good enough, you need to change your attitude". When I asked her, what was wrong, she told me that me constantly forgetting small things is driving her mad and "there's also other stuff"... She could not even think of anything else wrong. I know I forget stuff, mostly because I am focused on serious things I do at work and my post-grad. Perhaps we're just not ready for anything that serious yet?
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (15 September 2013):
 Her behavior is not normal. If this just popped up, it could be PMS, but if it's been going on the entire three weeks you both have been living together, then there are deeper issues.
Constant yelling, screaming, nagging, criticizing speaks to a much more deeper issue of compatibility. Many times when even two of the most compatible people move in together, there is a period of adjustment, especially if one is neat and the other is sloppy, or even brands of food used or sleep patterns (one is an early bird, one is a night owl).
I think there is one course of action here - to sit her down and have a serious, heart to heart talk about how communication should work. She isn't your mom, she isn't your "attitude adjuster" and she isn't in charge. She is an equal as you are, and mutual respect and courtesy should be a rule in your house. Of course every couple fights at some point, but establishing rules of engagement is important early on.
Example -- I have been married 15 years as of next week, and my husband and I don't fight often, but when we do, there are a few things neither of us do. Name calling is out, bringing up old fights and past resolved issues is also out. The silent treatment is likewise out. Leaving for a short cool-off is okay because we know that we'll return and talk it out like mature people. Complaining about the fight to relatives or other people doesn't happen either. Getting our son to "take sides" is definitely a no-no, and finally, if we can help it, we resolve it by the end of the day..it doesn't become a days or weeks long battle of wills.
I know that my way isn't everyone's, but there are a few things that are universal no-no's, like physical abuse, destruction of property, restriction of movement (i.e. blocking someone's path or locking the door), verbal abuse, and the like. Screaming and yelling is a form of manipulation. While fights can get out of hand, constant screaming, yelling, tears, and "Sorry won't cut it"s are not acceptable. Resist the urge to say whatever it takes to stop a fight, because that's the aim of the manipulation -- to get you to respond to her wishes. Fights should have mutual resolution and end in compromise for the good of the household.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): There are a few things to take in consideration in her defense. You moved her in, but you didn't say how long you've both been a couple. You knew nothing about her personality before you invited her to move in?
She's in a new environment, she is stressed with school, and she's scared; because she made a big decision. The pressure is getting to her. You are a low-key easy-going type of guy. You chill at the end of your day. She comes home a beast. Shouting and snarling about this and that.
Then the time has come to sit and talk, and make some compromise.
Explain that you understand that she has made some drastic changes and there may be some things that need work. You can do that; if she's willing to work it all out with you.
You are now officially a live-in couple, and it can only work if you give each other peace.
1) Do not react to her anger with anger. Keep your cool and let her vent.
2) Say hello with a smile and ignore the ranting. That's her way of winding down. Get used to it. You should have known this before you moved her in with you.
3) Tell her that if she needs something done, write it down, and "you'll both" work on it. You have to let her know that shouting at you doesn't help, and if she feels she can't help it; consider moving out.
4) Compromise and patience is the only way you'll get along. You're seeing another side of her that you may have over-looked before. When in the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship, personality flaws are invisible.
Experience has taught me, and I'm sure the other aunts as well, that just talking to people won't always get their full cooperation. We also know that people often make hasty decisions only to lead to regret. You moved someone in, now you see another side of her. You have to realize she is out of her more familiar environment, and used to things working and ready when she comes home. She is scared of things not working out as planned. She hoped all would be romantic, perfect, and lovey-dovey. She romanticized and built high expectations which haven't materialized. What you see in her now is panic and the shock of facing her realities.
As weeks progress, and you both work things out. Things will settle. Give her reassurances that there may be some bumps along the way, and you're willing to smooth them out with her help. Let her know you're looking out for her, and you need her to watch your back as well.
When you come home and find her in a state; calm her down before you talk. Let her catch her breath. Ask her to allow you a moment to unwind so you can both figure out what needs to be done. Calmly discuss the household issues needing attention. She's the same girl you invited into your life, you're just seeing her through the eyes of reality; and you're now sharing your space.
It will all work out. If not, and you find you're incompatible; don't waste any time. Prepare to go separate ways.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): Have you got a GPS? Use it to find some other place to be.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (14 September 2013):
 Don't be one of those people who think if it's "meant to be" it will somehow magically be perfect.. Uh, that's in La La Land. Not reality. In reality there are bumps and ant hills and sometimes mountains. And you get through them by communication and patience and having a battle strategy that you're both in on.
So what am I saying really? I'm saying that rather than assume this wont ever work, throw your hands up in the air and give up, you actually talk to her and find a solution. That's what I'm saying. And if you don't know how to do that, and if your relationship hasn't ever required that up until now, then you've had a too easy ride up until here.
Here's what you do. You talk to her. Tell her this:
"Darling, things aren't going so great between us. When I come home from work I am exhausted, as are you. But when I'm tired I just collapse, and when you are tired you become very nagging and you complain a lot and you want me to fix everything. While I am happy to help you out, and set up the WiFi or whatever, it is not acceptable that you have a go at me over it. If you need it fixed, then fix it yourself. We have a joint responsibility for things working in our home. If you want me to help you out I will happily do so, but I will not accept being yelled at or bitched at.
I tried to apologize earlier not because I actually feel I owe you an apology, but as a means to come to an agreement with you and open lines of communication. That was a bad strategy, and I will not do it again. Next time I will only apologize if I actually mean it. In return, I expect you to also communicate your needs in a proper manner and talk to me about things rather than have a go at me. I believe we can sort this out, but neither of us are happy the way things are now, and we need to find a solution. I want us to talk about this in depth soon, can we set a date for when we can talk about these things? Maybe on Sunday afternoon?"
Then get down to what you need, listen to what she needs, let whatever happened be water under the bridge (let its pass, don't bring it back up) and be patient. You can work through this.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (14 September 2013):
Either she has PMS or you need to run away as fast as you can!
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A
female
reader, :)31215  +, writes (14 September 2013):
 This girl sounds like something is stressing her out and she's taking it out on you.. for a more positive look, I'd suggest speaking to her and asking her what is upsetting her.
If she's still taking everything out on you for no reason, you explain to her you've tried to help her, you've fixed the things she's wanted, and now you're not willing to continue in this one way relationship. I like what other posters have said, too. It SHOULD be fun and exciting to live with your partner, and she shouldn't be abusing you in this way, either.
good luck and have the strength to leave her if she doesn't change.
x
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 September 2013):
 Once I got to this: "...."Sorry is not good enough, you need to change your attitude" When I asked her, what was wrong, she told me that me constantly forgetting small things is driving her mad and "there's also other stuff".." I was able to see, clearly, that any "relationship" that you thought (think) you have with this girl doesn't really exist, after all....
Cut your losses and leave her. She will never be satisfied with anything - and everything - that you say or do....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (14 September 2013):
 I think that you need your own space and clearly so does she. It's not reasonable for her to take her temper out on you.
It can be difficult when two people move in together, it can be awkward and there has to be a period of adjustment and compromise but shouldn't it ultimately be fun and exciting?
You have a new job and new home with your girlfriend it should be a wonderful time for you both but clearly this isn't the case for her and she's ruining it for you too.
Something is stressing her out and she's taking it out on you. This is not acceptable behaviour. If this was the other way round you'd be branded a bully and she'd be the victim of domestic abuse. Guess what, makes no difference, you are becoming a victim of domestic abuse. (it's not all about hitting you know)
Walk away and tell her that she needs to get some anger management before you'll consider continuing a relationship with her.
Find a new place to live and enjoy your new job. You've worked hard to get where you are and if your girlfriend can't share in that joy and support you then she's not the one for you.
I hope this helps AB x
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