| A
age
41-50,
*
writes: I feel like my boyfriend doesnt understand one aspect of my life and I need help explaining this to him. I am going to graduate late next year with a degree in engineering. I have worked very hard with my school and it is because I want to provide for my family in the future. To be able to work I need to live in a city but he is not excited about this. He tells me he hates big cities and doesnt like the over crowding and traffic. I am baffled. In my mind I move where the money is so I can be a good provider. To me the reasons he gave seem very childish. Bills need to be paid. I feel sad that he doesnt appreciate the work I have done for us. Like my degree is going to work against me in this relationship...not for me. After a long dicussion he agreed to move to a small town next to a city but reluctantly. Why doesnt he see my potential ? What I can bring to our future family? Why doesnt he appreciate my willingness to be a good provider and the sacrifices I have made for us. Is he sexist or just plain complacent about life ?
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 September 2014):
 This is not sexist.
This has nothing to do with "seeing your potential"
this has everything to do with him not wanting to live in the city.
He compromised and moved to a suburb of the city which is how many folks live.
NOW you Compromise and commute to your job.
that's what relationships are all about making compromises so that the everyone is as happy as they can be.
A
female
reader, Vianneeey  +, writes (18 September 2014):
He's not sexist, you guys just have different visions.
For the fact that he's willing to move to a town next to the city (for you), he does see your potential & believe in you.
Relationship is about compromises. Each party have to meet halfway. Let me ask, what have you given up for your bf? Have you sacrifice something to support his dream?
But I also believe, in order to sky high, you have to remove everything that weights you down. I suggest you have a talk with him, trying to compromise you visions & dreams together. If it's too different, maybe, just maybe, you guys should rethink about continuing the relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): He is not forbidding you to work, he just doesn't like big cities.
I think you should discuss with him you desire to live in a big city while you were stil I your first years studying. And he compromised, town in a suburbs sounds good to me.
You can't live with someone and not take his wishes into consideration.,
I don't even understand where "sexist" came from.
...............................
A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (18 September 2014):
 Your post is full of what YOU want and no mention of what he wants or needs. Its basically YOUR way or no way. You both have differing views of where you wish to live, both equally valid, and yet you dismiss his feelings an views and expect him to bow to yours.
You have done very well and congratulations on your achievements, but with the greatest of respect you do sound quite arrogant about them. There is a huge difference between potential and reality. I sincerely hope you achieve your dreams but its a tough job market, one where far too many people have high qualifications and cannot get jobs. Potential doesn't pay bills and, no matter who bright or driven, even the best graduates can really struggle.
US and UK engineering is in pretty dire straights due to competition from China, Africa and the middle east. I have engineering qualifications and cannot get a job, and never have in that field - baring in mind in live near Birmingham, England which is the "city of a thousand trades" and once the heart of the industrial revolution.
You say "in my mind I move where the money is", well there is more to life than money OP. Health, love, having someone there for you when you are down and being happy with other aspects of your life is just as important. You say he doesn't appreciate the sacrifices YOU have made (ie: going to University) and yet expect him to make the huge sacrifice of living somewhere he doesnt want to be without batting an eyelid.
He is neither sexist nor complacent. If, while you have been studying, he has been working then he maybe feels a little more, shall we say, realistic, that you do right now. Your talking up your future when you have no way of knowing what you will achieve.
To think this is sexism is crazy. Whats sexist about not wanting to move to a big city when he doesnt like them? I hate big cities myself - noise, pollution, rush hour, stress, crime, intimidation, rubbish everywhere. I feel so much happier living in the country as I do now and although I earn less than when I lived in Englands second biggest city, I wouldn't go back to the crime, gangs, pollution, stress and attitude in the city.
By all means aim high but please don't let yourself fall into the trap of either becoming "entitled" or having a chip on your shoulder about sexism. Accusing people of being sexist everytime a stumbling block comes in the way wont get you anywhere. These days it doesn't matter whether you are a man, woman, young, old or black or white, jobs are very hard to find and even harder to keep. If you do have the family you want to provide for they want love and stability as well as money. Expecting a family to move to where suits you suddenly becomes a lot harder.
All the best
Mark
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 September 2014):
 He is neither . He just, as much as he loves you, does not think that the universe revolves around you, and that only your wants and needs count.His are to be taken into account too, and if you have to live together , a compromise has to be found. If no compromise / adjustment / in between can be found, then alas life plans are too different and people aren't compatible enough to stay together.
Quality of life is important, his are not childish reasons.
Personally, I like cities - I have lived in big , biiig cities , and loved it. I NEED to be , if not in a metropolis , at least in a city, to feel content and at home; probably elsewhere I'd end up with depression after a week.. But other people feel exactly the opposite , and that does not surprise me at all.
Money is important too, of course. Within limits. I don't think people should condemn themselves, to unhappiness or mental breakdown for the sake of megabucks.
Ultimately, there's no right or wrong, just individual needs and priorities. His count as much as yours, it's up to you finding a way , if there's one, to not make them clash.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): You're not yet married nor engaged, and everyone has their preferences about their ideal location to settle-down, raise kids, or retire. That doesn't make him a sexist because he doesn't like a stressful city environment. He reluctantly came to a compromise; so don't judge him so harshly.
Don't be so impressed with yourself. I'm sure he is quite aware of your potential, and there's something that tells me you have little difficulty stressing how lucky he should feel. I mean "stressing" him by over-stressing your talents and abilities.
I'm not sure how his not liking traffic and over-crowded city-life translates into childishness and chauvinism. You're a woman of the 21st century and you have the potential to earn a lot of money. Good for you. Just don't let it all go to your head. Aren't we putting the cart before the horse?
You're not earning those bucks just yet!
Everything is still in the planning stage, and you shouldn't allow your ego to make you start acting like your swollen-headed male counter-parts. I don't think your boyfriend has any issue with your qualifications, because you're female. I think your conceit takes away from your impressive achievement. A little modesty wouldn't hurt.
If you feel he lacks ambition and will be a hindrance to your rise and ascension to success; cut him loose. If you keep rubbing his nose in your "potential" he just may cut himself loose. Chill a little. Congrats on your engineering degree!
...............................
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (18 September 2014):
I am relatively poor and live on 30 acres in a rural area. I could make a lot more money living in the city- I have a degree and job skills that are highly in demand.
I live in a beautiful little home in the middle of the woods. I raise my own pigs, turkeys, cows, etc, and grow my own food. This is MY dream, and I am living it. You could offer me an extra 100k a year to move into a Manhattan high rise, and I'd turn it down.
You two just have different desires. Essentially, you're not compatible. There is nothing wrong with your dreams or with his. Live your own dream, but respect his also,
...............................
A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (18 September 2014):
I am relatively poor and live on 30 acres in a rural area. I could make a lot more money living in the city- I have a degree and job skills that are highly in demand.
I live in a beautiful little home in the middle of the woods. I raise my own pigs, turkeys, cows, etc, and grow my own food. This is MY dream, and I am living it. You could offer me an extra 100k a year to move into a Manhattan high rise, and I'd turn it down.
You two just have different desires. Essentially, you're not compatible. There is nothing wrong with your dreams or with his. Live your own dream, but respect his also,
...............................
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (18 September 2014):
I think he sees your potential but he just doesn't like big cities. I can understand why as well. Things tend to be very expensive and space is generally limited. Rush hour is awful and the quality of life for peace of mind is not so great. Well there are pros are cons but he is willing to compromise yes? So I do not understand why you would call him childish and sexist as it takes a strong guy to compromise. He is not you and you are not him so in this manner, compromise is important in relationships. You should not force your partner into situations they are not comfortable with, as I am sure you would not want the same of you....I can't imagine you agreeing to go alaska if circumstances were flipped. Engineering is also flexible enough where you do not have to be dead smack in the center of a city.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): How are you baffled? He quite simply doesn't like big cities and doesn't want to live in one, is that such a hard concept to understand?
OP with all due respect your post is very "me, me, me". Why doesn't he see things my way, why is he trying to stop me being successful? Can't he see my way is the best way?
No, OP, he just doesn't want to live in a big city, it's nothing more profound than that. If you're unhappy with the situation find a guy who wants to live in the city.
With all due respect you accusing of him both being childish in his reasons and possibly sexist kind of make you sound like the immature one. We don't all have to see things your way, OP, and in terms of living in the city he doesn't.
Stop trying to make this some kind of issue of oppression, OP, he's not stopping you living in the city, he's just not going to join you there because he hates them. So either respect that or move on. It's nothing about "potential" or your future career, it's a simple matter of him not wanting to live somewhere.
OP if it comes to situation where you have to move to work then talk this out again, but you've already decided on a small town nearby so it's time to let this go.
It's not about you, it's about him not wanting to live somewhere he'll be unhappy and frankly it's not a good sign that instead of seeing that you throw a tantrum because you didn't get your way.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (18 September 2014):
 He will only appreciate it as he sees first hand the money you are making. At the beginning there is skepticism and also he prefers the quality of life over income. In big cities there's pollution and a higher crime rate. There are long lines everywhere. Some people just need a lot of space. The simplicity of a small town is more enticing to him than material things and entertainment. I hope he's complacent about this because he makes a lot and can take care of the whole family in the future, not because he's afraid to be outshone by you. He knows you are a hard worker and can achieve your best. I don't think being traditional about male and female roles mean sexist. I don't know what he thinks but a thought that came up is that for the sake of family harmony a relaxed woman at night is preferred over tension about left over work. This is a basic compatibility issue. He is willing to compromise. It's not good to keep pressing on the issue. You also come across as trying too hard to prove yourself.
...............................
|
