A
female
age
41-50,
*tuckinthemiddle81
writes:I've been dating a guy for a year and 7 months. We have the same interests (but not too many as to keep the relationship intersting), we talk for hours on the phone, he takes me to special places I've never been before, etc. I've hung out with his best friend whom he considers brothers that he grew up with and his friends like me (from what I hear). Now here's the problem. Last May on his birthday (four months into our datin), he tells me (after being intimate of course)that he wasn't ready to commit. I said, "fine". He told me his last girlfriend he dated he was with for three years and nearly married her. New Years morning of 2008, we woke up in bed together (having been intimate that morning) and he begins to cry telling me that he feels bad that I don't ask for anything and he feels guilty that he's not committed to me. He says that I "scare" him because he likes me so much..I, being an a-hole, tell him "Its ok, when ur ready, ur ready." It is going to be his birthday this week and he still hasn't refered to me as his girlfriend, he doesn't really show affection towards me when we are hanging out with his friends-or in his neighborhood for that matter, fearing that he will run into his girlfriend. His parents don't know I've been spending the weekends at his house for a year and he shoes me out of the house before his parents visit! I'm tired of making excuses for him by telling my family that we are "boyfriend and girlfriend" when I know we're not. When others ask him if we are an item, he avoids the question and I've noticed I've become very bitter towards him. I don't know what to do. I'm thinking to tell him this week ON or after his birthday to make me known to his family and friends as his girlfriend or I'm out...What should I do??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2008): Wow, that is so heartbreaking. You must feel crushed. This is was what I recommend, I know its going to be hard to swallow and do, the next time he wants sex, show him the door. The next time he calls, don't answer. Don't talk to him, get on with your life and date other guys. If he doesn't miss you and come crying for you, continue on as if it didn't matter. You don't need him. Get that CD, Strppied, by Christina Aguilera, everytime you want to call, or answer, put that song walk away on, to remind you to walk away. If he ever was serious about you he will come running back. DON'T Have SEX. Do NOT allow him to use you.
A
female
reader, stuckinthemiddle81 +, writes (30 April 2008):
stuckinthemiddle81 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Both of these ladies had such great advice. I don't feel as alone now and letting it out to someone feels so much better! I also feel empowered by their advice and now I have enough confidence to go through with it this weekend. (This is a wonderful site. I'm glad I ran into it.=-)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2008): Been there, and let me tell you, it's not a pretty situation. You both need to come clean now and be honest about what you want out of this relationship. I was in a similar situation with a person whom I consider(ed) my soulmate. For the first 4 months I was nothing more than a fuck buddy and, though I'd ask him repeatedly, "Are we boyfriend and girlfriend?" he'd always say, "I don't like labels." Finally after 4 months, he admitted we were in a relationship, but by that time the damage had been done (to me, anyway, I really tore myself down wondering why he didn't love me, etc).We ended up hurting each other very badly in the end, because I wasn't up front with him by saying, "Look, I want a relationship." We lasted for three years, with both of us resorting to tearing the other one down-I did it because those first 4 months really scarred me, and he did it in retaliation . It was a never-ending cycle. Be honest with him and be honest with yourself about what you want. If he can't deliver, it's not worth the heartache or the damage you'll do to yourself (wondering why you're not good enough, what you're doing wrong, if there is someone else--it really demoralizes you). Good luck.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (30 April 2008):
 Well, he feels bad that you are not making demands on him. He knows full well that it's time to make a committment. Just exactally how long does he expect you to wait? It sounds as if he is still pining for his ex and that puts you in the 2nd string chair. I could see if this had been going on for a few months but eventually you'll be the one he's been with for 3 years and you'll still be in that 2nd chair.
I think it is time to say to him, "the lack of a committment on your part is no longer working for me. I care about you and have feelings for you that are very strong but if you can not commit to me then I need to stop this now so that I can find someone who is emotionally available and who can work on a relationship with me."
We all go through times when we need to find ourselves or when we have issues but when we drag someone else along for OUR ride that is when we hurt people. He is hurting you and I think it's ultimatum time. You deserve more and you know it. He knows it.
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