A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been going out with my current girlfriend for over a year - but here is where the problem lies.. one of her ex boyfriends keeps creeping into the picture sending her emails and pictures of them together and she's responded to them by calling him or replying back. Also, during his birthday she sent him a long email - saying how she can only imagine what a wonderful husband he is, and great guy, etc. Mind you, tThis is a guy who cheated on her while they were going out. Fast forward and this guy is still trying to contact my gf- not sure if they communicate on a daily or weekly or monthly basis but we always argue over why she feels the need to stay in touch with him? Why even wish him a happy birthday or respond to his emails? Should I be careful - are these signs of cheating? the guy is married but my question is she truly in love with me? please help.. im confused.
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male
reader, mytwocents +, writes (7 May 2009):
 I have strong opinions on this issue. Without writing a novel on here, I can't begin to tell you how much of an issue this was (and sometimes still is) with my current gf. I dealt with her having active friendships with SEVERAL of her exes. It was bad and, to be frank, my struggles to get her to respect my boundaries on this issue were incredibly difficult.
It's time for you to have a serious conversation.
My advice to you is to set your boundaries with her as soon--and as clearly--as possible. Sit her down and respectfully tell her what level of contact is acceptable to you and what ISN'T. You should discuss with her how serious she feels about you, and what her feelings are still about this guy. Ask her to be honest--this isn't the time to be courteous or self-censoring.
Express that you are uncomfortable with the current situation with her ex. Try to come to an agreement with her that reduces the frequency, intensity, or nature of her relationship with him to a level that you are comfortable with. Maybe this may mean only a once-in-a-while e-mail, but no phone or personal contact. It may mean less "friendly" contact (no pictures or sweet compliments), but no restrictions on frequency. Or, it could mean that you want her to cut it off completely with him. Whatever the agreement is, no going behind anyone's back is allowed. Make that clear. Tell her you want to foster trust and comfort in this relationship.
If she can't accept respect your boundary on this issue, you should seriously consider moving on. It will mean one of several bad things that I don't thing you'd want to be a part of. It could mean that she has lingering feelings for him. It could mean that she doesn't respect you or your feelings or boundaries. It could mean that she could eventually cheat on you. It could also mean that you haven't done a good job of expressing your feelings and boundaries on this issue.
What I will say for sure is that her dancing all over this line for the length of your relationship will do nothing but wear down your trust for her and diminish your feeling that you're respected by your partner. These are important aspects of a successful relationship.
Talk to her and let us know how it goes.
A
male
reader, alphamale +, writes (7 May 2009):
Your situation is eerily similar to what I was going through recently. It's nice to hear other people's opinons who have been in the same situation
This girl I was seeing , we lasted about 6 months and I found out she was in touch with her ex almost the whole time. it really irritated me, that she was still hung up on this guy, even though he was an immature idiot.
you have to let her know it bothers you because you really care for her and her having contact with him makes you uncomfortable. look her straight in the eye and ask if she misses being with him, look at her body language. people who lie won't look you in the eye. that's the best thing I can tell you.
Get her face to face alone and ask her. look her in the eyes. Do it in a good manner, don't try to scare her off just talk to her. If she refuses to talk about the subject, she misses him and she doesn't want to hurt you by telling you she's in love with him still. hope you're strong
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