A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:My mom treats my sister better than me and makes me share everything. We're 14 and 13 and about the same size so when we go clothes shopping she makes me go with what M (my sister) wants which is usually shapeless pastel t shirts or lacy dress ones. My mother won't let me choose stuff I want. I have nothing that is just mine even clothes that were presents and since they were brand new mom made me exchange them for something in M's style since they were "boys shirts anyway".If I go somewhere with friends, she makes sure M gets to come or it's 'NO', because it's not fair to M. So hardly anyone asks me and she won't let us go if it's a restaurant because even subway is too expensive and we have food at home. One time she got sick so I got to see my friends alone and their mom took me to subway so I got excited until my mom told me to keep half for when M felt better. I told her it was only a 6" and it had turkey on it. So I got in trouble because M hates turkey and I was being selfish. I bought a candy bar after school FOR ME and M told so I had to give it to her.The worst is the bike. We shared a bike that was real old and embarrassing so I wanted to save extra chore money to buy my own. Since we don't have a lot of money I knew it would take months but I kept pointing out these new ones, black and green or this black and orange one. Mom kept pointing out the purple or pink ones with sparkles and I told her I was paying for it so I should choose. She said, "we'll see".We came home from school and there was this second hand bike that was bright pink with those sparkly things on the handles, all half torn off and paint chipping. I told her that I had wanted to buy it and she said, " you just did. You can work for free until it's paid off. I told her I'd wanted a NEW one in my style and she said she wanted to make sure it was one my sister liked since we'd be sharing it. I told her the point was to have my own so she just gave it to her and said I could use our old one. But the new one was only for M. When I told her it wasn't fair she said, "doesn't feel good, does it?"Why does my mother always do this to me?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (6 May 2016):
 OP, thanks for the update it DOES clarify quite a bit.
I think the biggest reason she makes you share and look out for your sister is because she KNOWS you have no issues making friend, keeping friends and overall socializing, something you sister seems to fail at.
I think your mom should consider taking your sister and get her evaluated. She could be on the Asperger or even mild Autism spectrum, it will help OTHERS as well in how to deal with her.
My middle daughter has a friend who is a LOT (from what I gather) like your sister. She has no filter, poor social skills and lacks the ability to read others. She is a decent kid, but if I didn't know she was on the spectrum, I'd probably presume she was just really rude.
Your mom wants to protect your sister, and she need your help. That doesn't means you should ALWAYS let her tag along or take care of her, and maybe you need to point that out to your mom.
A
female
reader, mintrablooms +, writes (5 May 2016):
I saw your update and it does sound like your mom isn't being fair to you now. You aren't your sister's parent and you aren't obligated to share or anything. It could be your mom may be venting her frustration with your sister onto you. It's not your fault at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2016): I'm the one who posted. I told my mom that I was mostly upset with the bike because I was really looking forward to choosing something for myself because I felt like I didn't get to. I even said if she took me to the second hand place and let me choose I wouldn't have been so upset. She said she really thought I'd be happy because I wouldn't have to choose and she was mad I purposely didn't want to share.I just said everyone wants stuff that's just for them and if M saved for her own bike or when we bought clothes and there was a shirt M liked and a shirt I liked why was that wrong? Then I got upset and said everyone likes to see friends away from family. If M wanted to have her own friends that was OK too.Mom said OK but she thinks we should share everything but she'd let me choose more but I tolerate girl clothes more than M does boy clothes and her food problems mean she won't eat at all. Plus she had to make the school make people sit my M at lunch. M has some problems, most people don't want to be around her because they think she's annoying and weird and she's doing it on purpose. I can usually tell when she is.Like she takes everything literally and will not shut up about asking questions or correcting people about things. Like: someone said something made their urine boil and she she spent three days talking about how that's impossible... Yeah. That was ALL she would talk about. If you change the topic in the right way or just say she's right she MIGHT stop. She can't help she doesn't get things but still. M has no filter and gets people in trouble by accident. Since she is really smart and looks normal I think it makes it worseI know that's mean of me but what about me?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2016): I think you are reading everything your mother says and does in the wrong way. She is teaching you to be a big sister.
Big sisters have to share things with younger sisters. They set an example for their younger sister. If you seem selfish, then it's your mother's role as your parent to let you know that you have someone closely-related to you by blood. You should feel the closeness to her. If you're too detached, she closes the gap for you. Kids tend to pull away from their own brothers and sisters; and draw closer to their friends. You and your sister are close in age.
If you would stop showing how much you don't like it when your mother pushes you together, she will miraculously stop. If you showed your sister more attention and love, you'd be left alone to do it on your own.
Show affection and warmth towards your sister, and stop worrying so much about how your mom feels about her. I haven't read a thing that says she favors your sister over you. Only that you exclude and ignore your sister a lot, and blame your mom for trying to make you behave more like a loving and caring big sister.
If you showed you cared, she wouldn't try so hard to make you. If your family doesn't have a lot of money, your mom has to teach you to appreciate what you have; and to be willing to share. Of course, to make your point; you might exaggerate a little. I doubt you'd see it as a grown-up would anyway.
Your mom must have grown up with an older-sister who wasn't very nice to her. So she always had it in her mind that she would never let that happen to any child of hers. She wants to see you both closer than close, and loving each other. So the more she has to do it, the more it means you're cold and distant. Even selfish. It's normal for your age. Being used to being the one getting all the attention, and now you have to share things. Surprise! That's what sisters are supposed to do. Show more love, and your mom will leave you alone.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (4 May 2016):
 So it does sound from your post that Mom is making sure that your sister M’s needs are well met. You are the older sister and this often happens to us who are in that role. It doesn’t often seem fair and actually is a very good experience for us older siblings, because we learn earlier than our siblings that life isn’t fair.
I was competitive with my younger siblings but if anyone dared try to bully them I would be very upset and would defend them to the best of my young ability.
What you haven’t mentioned at all, is what M says about this or why your Mom might be considering M’s feelings.
You are very obviously able to articulate your feelings and your distress about this situation. And presumably your younger sister M would have the same opportunity and ability to talk about hers.
So, what would M say about this? What would M say to you about this?
Please followup with what you think M might say, thanks!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2016): It would be disappointing to work hard and save for a bike only to have the joy of choosing it taken away. It would not be wrong to say, "I'm sorry I was rude about the bike, I was looking forward to choosing it myself. Next time I save for something, please let me pick it out" As for clothes, if you are roughly the same size then yes, sharing is expected. It would be fair to ask that some of your clothes be in your style since M probably hates "boys" clothes as much as you hate "girls" clothes.With the sandwich, a rare treat is exciting and it's hard not to want it all to yourself the way you want it. I get that, but surely you and M both like some of the same foods! Who bought it? The parent? I bet if you asked that it be cut in half for your sister, the parent would have been happy to just buy an extra one for your sister. It sounds like your mom hates seeing her excluded and it doesn't sound like she has many friends of her own, correct?Unless you're expected to share underwear, toothbrush and things like that, just accept that your house is a house where everything is shared. And I'm sure your mom does the same with M in regards to sharing food, clothes, hairties...I truly think a lot of this has to do with money
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (4 May 2016):
 I am sorry to pass this piece of wisdom along but there is never a reasonable rationale for the way parents act towards their children. The best thing to do in my opinion is to just know your parents love you equally but show it differently. That my child is just the way life is. Looking for a reason will only cause anxiety so your choice accept it as typical BS or fret over it...up to you. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2016): I'm not sure. Your story was confusing to me with all the details...personally I think it sounds like your mom is trying not to waste money. I don't agree with the idea you're lucky because...all of that poverty around the world exists for no reason! The gov wastes millions every year on buildings and useless things...I've read before that in the USA 40% of the food is thrown away! So IMHO people are suffering for no reason.But still, I don't think your mom is doing anything personally against you. She could think you aren't $ conscious enough and need to learn to share, but...you could sit down with her and nicely ask if you could have more space from M. Your mom might not realize how you spend so much time together. She could be doing it because it's convenient for her job schedule. You sound cute and I don't think you did anything wrong at all. But I don't believe your mom's choices really have anything to do with you or your sister.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 May 2016):
 Okay sharing with your sister is a good thing, you need to learn that. It might feel to you like she is siding with your sister, but it sounds to me like she just wants the both of you to get along as friends and sisters. Maybe try a little harder to share while you are still young and don't have an income off your own.
When you go clothes shopping, your mum probably picks the clothes out that she likes, but it just happens to be the same clothes that your sister likes also. Yes this can be frustrating, but remember it is your mum that is buying these clothes with her money therefore you should be thankful. If there is something you really want maybe you can do a part time job in the evening like delivering paper, or milk, or doing jobs for neighbors then you can buy your own things? When I was your age it was all hand downs I got, and I was thankful just to have clothes on me to keep me warm, so try and remember how lucky you are. You say your mum made you exchange clothes for M's style, but I bet she did not say that, I bet she exchanged them for something again that she thought the both of you could wear. I know at your age you want to express yourself through clothes and things, maybe sit down and talk to your mother by yourself and tell her how you are feeling. Although also thank her for the good job she is doing at the moment as well bringing you up and making sure you are not wanting for anything. Try and look at all the good things.
My guess is your mother does not allow use to go out for food because she cannot afford it, someday when you are older you will look back and appreciate the food that you got at home. Think about all the starving people in the world, they would love to have food at home.
I think that your mother is trying to be good to you both, and it is probably difficult because you are both squabbling like children. Maybe you and M need to sit down and try to agree on getting along with each other. I think because money is tight in your house that is why your mum asked you to bring half back for your sister, probably so that she did not feel left out. Also did you not think it would be nice to bring something back for your sister as she was so sick?
You both are sisters, you should both try and be friends, it would make life for everyone in your house so much easier. Talk to each other and try and work these issues out.
Sweetie you telling your mum you should choose as you are paying for it is not fair, as you didn't pay for it, you should be doing chores to help your mother anyway, not to get a bike in return, it was still your mum who paid with it from her own money, she was right to get a second hand one as it would have been much cheaper for her. She decided you could both share, but you did not want to, so she gave it to your sister to teach you a lesson, to teach you that you need to learn to share. Try and be thankful that you have an old bike to play with. A lot of children don't have these luxuries in life. Try and be more thankful.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 May 2016):
Have you asked your mom this?
As for the bike... well, getting a second hand one isn't a bad choice, it's a bike not a fashion statement and honestly.. a $100 bike can run just as well as a pre-owned $15 one. But you COULD suggest that YOUR sister gets the pink one and "work" the price off and that YOU continue to save up for your OWN bike. Why do you have to share?
You DO need to talk to your mom why she seems to think your needs are less important than your sisters. Though I did suspect she does the SAME thing with your sister.
I have 3 daughter and they ALL like different styles, yet they DO have hand-me-downs like hoodies, sweaters and jeans. All of my girls have great fun with Thrift stores. We have some decent ones around there, load of never used, with tags etc. So if money is an issue... maybe consider that? Are there dogs in the neighborhood you know? Maybe you can "work" as a dog walker and make your own money as well.
Mainly though, remember that your mom isn't made of money and that there are TWO of you. So you NEED to be considerate, doesn't mean it should be ALL about your sister. I think it's a little sad that you mom "play" you two out against each other like that, it hardly encourage sisterly affection, does it?
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