A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years, and we live together. Six months ago he quit his part-time cafe job so that he could focus all his energy on starting his programming career. While I know he is definitely looking for a job, I often see him smoking pot and playing video games when I get home from work. I work 40 hours a week making minimum wage. He still pays half the rent and gives me money for bills whenever he can, but I shoulder a lot of the financial weight in our household even though I'm paying off debt and don't make very much. If I want to go to a restaurant with him I have to pay. He keeps promising that when he gets a job that things will be easier for me and that he'll have all this money, and I can go back to school etc. etc. But that's not the reality right now and I feel stressed, unhappy, and wonder if things will ever get better. My birthday is this week and he flat up told me that he won't have any money to do anything. I thought maybe if we waited a few weeks we could celebrate BOTH of our birthdays and pay together but he said he'll have to give me all the money he has for bills. I told him that I felt sad that he couldn't take me out and he left the apartment right now without saying anything. Am I being selfish? I just wish he would have put away some money, or you know, planned something thoughtful. I feel unappreciated and depressed, but also wonder if I am being childish by expecting anything at all.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 May 2016):
 But IvyBlue, the commitment you feel or have an opinion about in this case, is not put down on paper. Whilst SHE fight feel obligated to contribute financially as if they were married, HE might not! And strictly speaking, no matter how many years they have been together, unless they are married she will not inherit him, he will not be under any obligation to support her should the roles be reversed etc.
So whatever your opinion on the matter is, and whatever you feel is the right level of commitment given the x amount of years they have been together, falls into the shitter as soon as one or the other decides they aren't interested. Whereas if you are married you have actually signed the piece of paper that says you are obligated to support one another financially.
At any day, the man in this relationship can decide he wants to break it off, and he will not be under any obligation to pay her back, or to divide his assets with her, or do anything. As things are now, he could just as easily get a great job earning loads of money, and never giving her any of it. Or, he could decide to just up and leave at any moment. Just because one party feels there should be a level of commitment, doesn't mean the other party agrees. IF both parties agree, then they SIGN a marriage certificate. Without it, you can't just assume that both parties adhere to the same standard of what should and shouldn't follow when it comes to commitment after x amount of years together.
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (5 May 2016):
 Ok the way I see it is, you guys are in a long term de facto relationship which, in my opinion, has the same commitments and responsibilities as being married. In Australia, by law, married or defacto neither is any more protected. Were you in favour of him quitting his job to pursue his career? If the answer to that is yes but failed to negotiate the terms NOW is the time to revisit and discuss short, medium and long term plans. Personally I would give him some slack, but within reason. Set some timelines for him to be able to get things up and running and be clear on your expectations when enough is enough and time for him to return to work and for you to persue something of intrest- such as school. There is no excuse for him spending money on pot while your working your guts out- thats just selfish unacceptable bullshit. You acknowledge that he does look for work, which he should, but in all fairness no one can be looking for work 24/7. So I guess what I'm getting at is providing is is doing all that he can to look for work during business etc, is it really that bad that he too has some down time? If you show a genuine interest in his pursuits you can keep better informed of whats happening. Kind of like a non judgementally keeping tabs on things. As for him not having the money to buy you anything for your b'day may I suggest you tell him that he'd best be getting a bit creative then. He left because he, no doubt ,feels embarrassed by your comment. Thing is, it's bloody hard sometimes to get where you are going fast, provided he is doing his best to try get there, sometimes you just have to grin and bare it. Hopefully he does have some success remembering that his success will also be yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2016): I understand you very well. He could pickup some extra work somewhere to treat you and he did not.
Well, now you know who you are dealing with. Its up to you now to decide do you want someone lke this in your life. Tough choice if you love him and attached to him
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 May 2016):
 I agree with Chigirl, you are not being childish, although you are paying his way and therefore enabling him to spend his money on weed and sit around playing video games. Who pays for the games? The electric?
I can understand that he may be looking for work, but financially that is not your problem and not your responsibility. I think you need to sit down and talk to him about this. You should be sharing the bills equally if you are living together, if he cannot afford to do this then he needs to move out and stand on his own two feet, and you need to stop providing for him so that he can learn how to manage his money and look after himself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your thoughtful reply and for sharing your experience! I feel like I am being taken advantage of, but just to clarify he DOES pay half of the rent. He is using his savings that he has budgeted to last for a certain amount of time. He sometimes asks to borrow money but the thing that bothers me is that he doesn't have money to take me out ever or to buy me a birthday present, even a small one. I also buy most of the food but he offers to cook. I just wanted to clarify that I am not footing the whole bill, he contributes to the basic most important parts of our household.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 May 2016):
You are not married. So stop this right this minute. You are not married, you should not under any circumstance share finances! Your money is to be spent on YOU and your debt and YOUR bills, not his. If he can not afford to pay his way, then he needs to move out and back to his mommy.
Im sorry to be so blunt about it, but you need to get this through to yourself AND to him ASAP. He promises you that "when he gets a job things will be different"???? You have NO GUARANTEE of this. Think with your head now, and see this for what it is. It's empty words. There is NO GUARANTEE. He could be going on YEARS without getting a job. His financial situation could be WORSE and you'd be forced to get into debt over him.
And as for when HE gets job/an income? Well, he would be under NO obligation to replay you. You are not keeping tabs on what he owes you, you have not written any agreement on loans. If he needs money, he can go to the bank. But as of yet, you are not married, so his promises are worth nothing. Sorry to say so. By the time he gets a job, he could have broken it off with you and begun dating someone else, spending all his money on the new woman, and you will not see any of the money you poured into this.
So stop it this very minute. You will never see the money you already gave him again. Do not count on it. Of course we want to trust the person we are with, but this is about MONEY and your future, and you need to use your smarts and brains and not your hopes and dreams to judge this. A banker doesn't hand out money to just about anyone as long as he feels he can trust them. He needs a pay back plan and takes interests and he will write up a contract and he will need some form of security.
You, on the other hand... well, you could just as well hand your money out to a beggar on the corner, sorry to tell you this. But the chances are just the same for you ever getting paid back.
If he can not pay his way, you and him can not continue to live together. It's as brutal as that.
And if you think he will still pay you back... just LOOK at how he prioritizes money! He buys his weed and I dunno what else, of course he could have made a better budget, of course he could have afforded some form of celebration. But the man does not know how to handle money!!! The man does not know how to take responsibility!!
Wake up and smell the coffee, you are being taken advantage of. I had the same done to me by a boyfriend who promised to pay his way and blah blah blah, and things would change when he got a job and promises promises promises. What happened? I paid less and less and I had to pay more and more, he never got a job, he never paid me back, and then we broke it off and I never heard from him again.
So, Im telling you from first hand experience, do NOT spend any more money on him, not even for a bus ticket! If you can't afford rent on your own, then you need to move somewhere less expensive. You HAVE to. Put on your big girl pants and go do what you need to do to make sure YOUR interests and YOUR bank account will survive. If he wants to pursue his dreams, then he needs to be a grown ass man and take care of himself. That is NOT your job.
Or, he can marry you and that way, whatever money you make is his (as you currently do things anyway), and when he gets a job, whatever money is his will be yours. Under no other circumstance should you EVER share finances with a person. Marriage is there for a reason, to avoid financial chaos and being taken advantage of this like.
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