A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:All my friends either have a baby or are pregnant. As much as I love and adore my best friends baby I just don't seem to have the urge to have my own. My boyfriend would love to have a child and I know without a doubt he would be an excellent dad. I just don't know what's wrong with me I feel abnormal. I know some of my worries stem from my birth mother neglecting me as a baby but I was raised by loving adoptive parents so feel I should have let that worry go. I'm scared that I won't have the natural motherly instinct or that I won't love my baby.im really scared to make the commitment and for things to change. I thought by my age (27) I would be ready but I just don't feel like I am. My boyfriend is ready and will be great and I feel guilty for not giving him the baby he wants to much. I have told him about my worries and he understands but its not fair to him. I know that most women will think I'm crazy for not wanting to be a mother I just wish the natural urge to become a mother would set in. This whole situation is getting me down and I am in despair over it
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2016): I would feel weird too. Why would I want to commit to all the hard work of pregnancy/delivery/post natal hormones/nursing (can't even quantify the investment equivalent of that) for a boyfriend who throws the idea out freely without even a ring or similar investment in me or our future.
LOl, can't be even serious unless he is ready to propose and the only thing holding him back is the mutual agreement on children. Has this not been discussed?
If not, this would be a good discussion or "prelude" to marriage and family. If this is not a natural progression of your relationship thus far, I would not take his talk that seriously and no guilt at all on your part!
A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 No, you're not (as you put it) abnormal. You're just not maternal at this point in time. Will it change? Well, it might. Your reasons for not wanting a child are as valid as the next persons and I completely understand. Perhaps you should confront all of those feelings? Mainly because this is a deep-rooted issue. I think you will feel much more confident in yourself once you've confronted what had happened to you. Perhaps you'll see things that you haven't seen before. Talking to a therapist might help with the confrontation. Either way, there's more to this than meets the eye and I think you should explore all of your feelings. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2016): If you are crazy then so am I lol I am 28 and like you have a steady boyf that would love to be a dad (though he keeps telling me he doesn't want to be an old dad!) I would like children one day but now I have zero desire and I have no money to take care of a kid and no home for it.I had a great mother and I like little kids but I hate babies and toddlers. They freak me out and there is no appeal for me whatsoever. I am also afraid of giving birth and then loosing my identity. Friends younger than me with kids have become all consumed by babies they have no hobbies anymore nothing else to talk about. Im sure not every mother loses her identity like this but it does seem to happen with everyone I know. I work with people and I see mothers surrounded by screaming kids and they are stressed out,it looks like hell to me. I do like kids but I can give them back. I have the contraception jab because I do not want to be in the position of getting pregnant and feeling like I must keep it even though I don't want one. Im not bothered about my age, i know people who couldn't concieve in there twenties and had kids in late thirties. Just I thought by now I would want one and I still don't! I have an aunt who never wanted children and never did, my mum said like me she hated babies but liked her own. I will just keep going with the flow, I suggest you do the same don't worry about what other people are doing this is your life.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 May 2016):
 You are absolutely "normal" rushing into something as life-changing as becoming a parent is not to be taken lightly. The longer you think about it the better parent you will be. Too many young folks jump into parenthood just because everyone else is having a baby etc. Being a good parent involves a total commitment to a lifetime of heartaches, good times and emotional roller coaster rides. not to mention the enormous expense. I'm actually pleased to see someone think this thing over before jumping off the proverbial cliff because everyone else is. Being a follower is an unrewarding thing. Planning out your life choices is so wise it makes me feel good. It's proof that there is still sanity out there in the world. Best wishes
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 May 2016):
 I do understand the lack of the urge to have children. I never had it, don’t miss it, fyi. My husband was in the same frame of mind so it never was an issue for us. We did discuss it before we got married then again when the biological clock thing was running out for us.
So, to me, you are not crazy if you just don’t want to have children.
The thing that you will need to deal with is that your boyfriend might have strong feelings about having children. So be very honest with him, and yourself.
If you know you don’t want to bear and raise children, be honest and be clear about it.
Now then, reading between your post’s lines, you do say “ I’m scared that I won’t have the natural motherly instinct or that I won’t love my baby." So that’s a bit different from not wanting children. That falls more into the “what I’m scared of” category.
If you are really scared and don’t want to make the commitment, then by all means, don’t!
At the risk of being old-fashioned and a stickler for protecting the child and mother’s rights, why hasn’t your boyfriend put a ring on it? Is he waiting to know if you are going to want children?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2016): Oh sweetheart, you haven't said a thing that seems abnormal.
Not everyone has strong maternal instincts, and you're just not psychologically or emotionally-focused on motherhood at this stage in your life. You're allowing what people say and societal-commentary to make you feel there's something wrong with you. All I read and comprehend in your post is, you're not ready to be a mother. Maybe you aren't sure you ever will be.
So?!!
There is no time better, than when you actually want to be a mom, that you should become one. There should be no doubt.
But there will be fear, indecision, and some insecurity about how well you'll fulfill the responsibility. That's natural. Nobody knows what kind of parent they'll be until they become one. Unless they are downright nasty and cruel.
Sometimes the surprise of becoming pregnant will turn you around. Also the hormones produced during pregnancy, the movement of the child within the womb, is what makes a woman suddenly decide she is mentally prepared for the task. Some women don't actually want to be a mother until they're pregnant! Or, until they actually hold their baby in their arms. That's usually when it was unplanned, or simply happened.
If you're happy to cuddle and coddle a baby in your arms until they're carried away in the arms of someone else? Sweetheart, there's nothing wrong with that. You don't know how you may feel 5 to 10 years from now. Even longer. In the meantime. You don't feel the need, and don't you let a "boyfriend" who hasn't shown he'll be a father and a husband, to pressure you into it.
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A
female
reader, Keeley345 +, writes (5 May 2016):
I'm 33 and don't feel the urge to have kids either. I like kids but have never felt broody. Some women I know are excited for motherhood and can't wait to have kids. But there are a lot of women out there who aren't so keen.Some women are maternal others aren't. Then there are women like me who are not against having kids but don't feel the need to start a family immediately. I felt this way in my 20's and thought when I hit 30, I'd be broody and my biological clock would start ticking. But I don't! I'm a warm, loving nurturing person who hasn't had a good mother but I'm open to having kids. Just not immediately.Maybe that'll change at some point but I'm happy to wait. I had this conversation with an older lady I went to university with. She told me her own personal experiences. She said that from the time she finished high school and got a job, she enjoyed her 20's. Marriage and kids were not a priority for her although she had nothing against them. She just assumed like everyone else it would happen for her one day. She then met her ex husband when she turned 30 and they had kids. He was an amazing husband and father but something in her changed for the worst. She hated being married and even though she loves her kids, she says she wouldn't repeat the process again! She made her husband unhappy because she felt overwhelmed by motherhood and marriage. Her advice was... Don't rush into anything. Enjoy life and let nature take its course. I tell you her story because not all of us are eager to be parents etc and that's OK. Who knows maybe 10 years from now you'll feel differently. Just don't over think it or allow yourself to be pressured.
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