A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I need some level headed opinions Please. My hubby and I have always had lots of disagreements and rows over our 20 year marriage. I always felt that I could do no right and if he disagreed with me over something it wasn’t talked about but massive rows where he would almost lose control, but not quite as he never hit me. Our children grew up within this atmosphere and were caught up with his anger fairly often. I was young and naïve when we married and I never felt good about his treatment towards us but got confused over whether this was heavy discipline or over the top, nastiness. Well I know now at times it was over the top nastiness but I felt powerless to do anything.He can say some really nasty things, name calling and has held a fist to my face several times whilst spitting and snarling as he makes his point. He even spat in my face once because I was upset after his one and only affair. I became strong a few years ago particularly after a disastrous holiday which he ruined by shouting about our accommodation being a shit hole for the first half of the holiday! Causing huge embarrassment for me and the children and also because there was an atmosphere in the car one day, he stopped the car and abandoned us in France 30 miles from our mobile home! We thought he’d gone for a smoke but just didn’t come back and we found him stumbling a few miles from our mobile home hours later after he’d half walked and half hitch hiked. I felt I could never go on holiday with him again after that. What really made me decide I’d had enough was when he was building up to losing his temper over a couple of hours one night, the kids went upstairs to get out of his way, and I kept my mouth shut while his complaining became louder and his fuse shortening towards our eldest son's girlfriend who wouldn’t repair something he’d asked her to, this was because she didn't know as much as he thought about what he wanted repairing which was electrical. He finally began losing his temper at about 11pm frustrated with himself really, but complaining about her whilst she was upstairs. I had had enough, not wanting her to hear complaints about her and finally confronted him with some home truths but he got hold of me and threw me out of the room and slammed the door behind me(something he's done occasionally throughout our marriage because he's bigger and stronger and can!), our eldest son came down and my hubby threw him out too, whilst ignoring me on the floor. Later I talked our son out of calling the police as I didn’t want trouble. My hubby and I didn’t talk for several days until I realised my back was hurting and found a massive black bruise developing over my shoulder blade, it took 6 weeks to disappear. I showed him the bruise and said I would call the police if he ever touched me again, his cold response was that I did that to myself! I was shocked and my love or something just seemed to drain out of me for this man. I am wary of him as he is unpredictable and since those happenings 3 years ago I have seperated from him 1 year ago now. Problem is - after 25 years of being with him, I still care about him, no matter what he does, or how he makes me ill with his temper outbursts I still feel love. Our children don’t like their own father because of his treatment towards them throughout their life, they don’t want us back together but he’s got no one in his life - no family or friends to speak of, he’s so lonely. It’s been a year since I left him and I don’t know what to do about my feelings as no matter what he does I always seem get over it in time. Also, I had a relationship last summer and he makes me feel ill with his threats to “rip the man’s head off” who I was seeing. Unfortunately, he was someone I work with and although it's over, we cope with this fine at work as we aren’t always working in close proximity but my hubby gets so jealous his threats make me ill, as I worry he will come to my work and humiliate me and would get himself arrested because of the nature of where I work, he's pressuring me into changing my job, it's something I may do, but in my own time, not because he is blackmailing me emotionally. Sorry this is so long, I could make this so much longer with more, but thanks for reading and I hope you can give me some opinions please.
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affair, at work, I work with, jealous, on holiday Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni just want to say what a brilliant website this is - wish it was about many years ago!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): .....also, I think the other lady made a good point about him being all you have ever known and he has certainly taken advantage of it! Some of us are creatures of habit and familiarity for some people is a really hard thing to let go of!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): Hi I'm the 'female anon' who did the long answer. I hope it all works out for you. I guess it is unfortunately hard to get over someone who has been such a big part of your life - it will take time. If he is not going to change, then if you get back with him you just fast more of the same misery. It is so sad I know but when someone won't change and won't get help, what can we do! We are left with a choice of staying with them and putting up with their nonsense, at emotional cost to yourselves, or taking the pain and breaking up. Not a nice choice I know! Regarding you job, I was on a low income up until 3 years ago (I am 40 now) and before that I did a part time degree, which helped me a lot and now I have a much better paid job and with the children being much older, I am now looking, at 40, to develop my career further. Look to what options are available to you?? - perhaps spend your mental and physical energy trying to improve your career and earnings and give yourself a comfortable life!! That's what I did after getting rid of a violent nasty ex partner (only to find that this new one, although not nearly as bad, has very similar traits!). I really do feel for you and I know what it is like to be a soft hearted woman lumbered with a bloody handful of a husband!! Sometimes I could kick myself for putting up with it and yet I am SO strong in other areas of my life, just weak with men (if I love them). And I wish you all the best of luck and do post back again if you need to chat/need some support. Take good care xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks for all your thoughts, the second lady who answered - you are so in tune with how its all been, i hope you too find peace and sort out your future with your man. I didn't tell anyone for the first 10 years or more and kept it all inside and cried on my own. I coped by withdrawing from people, so it has affected me and i think i've become kind of detatched which might be why i asked this question because i doubt myself and whether it is me or not. Just to add more, he's a manic depressive and went to counceling once but he came back always angry with me and saying everything pointed to my fault. He would never consider marriage guidance, i did suggest it over the years. He is a knowledgable kind of man but quiet and does watch way too much tv, to the point where he spent alot of years of our marriage sleeping on the sofa so he could get up early and watch certain programme repeated very early in the morning. He's now controlling my life in a way because i got friendly again with him last november and once again (i've lost count how many times) i gave him a chance, but of course blew it a couple of times over xmas with his temper. even though we live apart still, i find it hard to move on as he has me bent over a barrel with crying to me when i try to cut ties or getting angry and threatening to sort my ex bf out, he thinks i cheated because we knew each other well before i moved out, although ex bf was just a rebound relationship for me. but i'm as bad because when hubby's not around i get so lonely and i visit him as he asks me to. I just can't seem to move on, the grieving process is either taking way too long or perhaps i am going to have to start again because him coming into my life again has interrupted it. I do agree with all your helpful advice, i do need to cut ties once and for all and i do need to be alone and be nice to myself. I just hate the thought of being alone for the rest of my life, it scares me. Life has been quite basic since i left as i don't earn much but i do enjoy not having to deal with emotional rubbish anymore. thanks to you all
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A
female
reader, CharmmyKitty  +, writes (27 February 2008):
 I think you know what you need to do here.
There's really nothing that makes this behavior acceptable.
From what you've written, it seems like this guy is just sort of 'the only thing you've ever known' deal, and that's why your compelled to stay. You say that you love him... but are you really sure? Could it be that maybe you're just used to him?
And even if you do truly love him, it's pretty obvious that he doesn't love you. If he did, theres no way that he could treat you with such cruelty, and then show absolutely no remorse.
Not only that, but you have children to think about. They shouldn't and can't be in that environment. If you stay (or get back with) a man like that, your children might lose respect for you. Speaking from experience, I'd much rather see my mother as a strong woman.
I think your only real option is to cut the cord for good. I'm sure theres not one person here whose going to give you the advice 'hang in there,' and that's got to tell you something.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): Deep in you you know the answer is to leave him for good. Ask yourself whether you would be better off without him - imagine the life you would live (even just a basic life with no frills) and see.... would this be better? Does he bring more harm than good to the relationship? You have been through too much - I suspect because of the children - but they sound old enough to form their own opinions and now you are just teaching them that women take this rubbish from men. Bad lesson to learn. Show yourself and them some dignity. I suffered 14 years of emotional abuse - some similar to what you describe. It eats your soul up. It is perfectly possible, with planning and some basic funds, to leave this man. Fear stops you but it needn't root you to the spot. Make sure you plan carefully and steadily and set a goal or target date. Your confidence will grow as you start to take control of your life once again. Select a day and get all your stuff out that house in one hit. Once you and the children are out is day one of freedom. Start a fresh life. Seek support of non-judgmental people and if possible a helpline should you need it. Surely you have done your time with this man - its time for you.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (27 February 2008):
 He was born in an abusive environment or family or his father was an abusive man and he picked up his father's abusive ways.
To him , it is normal as he comes from such a background.
He comes from a dysfunctional family and does not know how to love like a normal family.
It is like a living hell if you find such a man.They can be strong and dominant and some women are attracted to such guys.
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female
reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (27 February 2008):
 Don't let this man ruin your life because he is. How can you care about a man who hurt you and your children? Don't care for him because he's lonely. He harmed you. He's pressuring you to change your job? I thought you said you were separated for a year? If its been that long, then how is he still controlling your life? Are you living separately from him? Change your number. Don't let him hold you back. Don't feel guilty for some kind of crazy reason.
I'm sorry if I sounds angry but as a child who was abuse, I know how it feels to not feel safe because of an asshole father. Be strong for yourself.
Escape your ex and be with someone who will treat you right.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): God he sounds EXACTLY like my own partner, with whom I have been long-suffering for the past 6 years because I love him!!!! And oh Dear God you really have been a most long suffering wife - I take my hat off to you. How have you managed to do this without having some sort of nervous breakdown??
So you've stayed with this man you love, whom you met when you were young and you have loved him through thick and thin and stood by his side whilst he behaves appallingly and how does he thank you? He thanks you by continuing to behave appallingly. He does this because he can get away with it because you let him (like myself with my partner). If we don't put our foot down with them from the beginning we train them to think they can disrespect us and we will still be there for them! Well done for having the courage to leave him - it is not easy after all those years.
I'm so sorry because I think I know how you must feel. I love my boyfriend but he carries on pretty much exactly as you describe your husband (his first wife was with him for about 18 years and could tolerate no more so she had some affairs and then left him - when I first met him he was sweet and loving but over time I have seen his 'shadow' or 'dark side').
I hope you don't think any of this is your fault. You seem to know and understand your husband as you point out that he was upset with himself and took it out on the rest of you. This is a good sign because so many women end up blaming themselves. As I have pointed out to my partner, we all (even those people in near perfect marriages) annoy each other sometimes but it is how we deal with our anger and how we behave that actually matters.
Presenting behaviour is a real issue. I bet you could write a book about this! I'm so sorry that your children feel that strongly about his behaviour that they resent him - that must be hurtful for you.
Regarding your feelings for him, of course you still care, even though you are apart. He was a big part of your life for so long, there was something deep there despite his behaviour. It is only natural that you still have some care for him. When you say 'no matter what he does, I always seem to get over it in time' I can completely relate to that. Time has an amazing knack of making things seem distant and trivial and I think we look back through rose tinted glasses and re-write history, possibly because we can't bear to accept that someone we love could be so bloody awful to us.
He sounds like a control freak with anger issues and some unresolved issues of his own. Has he ever tried counselling or would he attend marriage guidance counselling. I think you will always have a little place in your heart for him but over time, this will diminish and you will see him more as a friend. You shared such a big part of your life with him and you've loved him warts and all for so long that it is only natural. The thing is, it is easy to forget the bad stuff but you might want to consider remembering some of the things he has done. At the moment he does not deserve your friendship because he has not earned it. He is not entitled to a family by right, whom he can them abuse!
You say he has made you feel 'ill' - I'm not bloody surprised. He sounds like a handful - a man who has never fully grown up and does not know how to express himself and cannot bear to humiliated and he sounds insecure and scared. He has been privileged to have a wife and children and yet he has exorcised his own inner demons onto you all. You say he has no family or friends to speak of - he is so lonely (exactly the same with my partner). He's pushed you too far and now he's left with his 'ass hanging out in the wind' so to speak. He probably thought you would never leave him but we all have our limits.
It's not your fault that he has not cultivated friendships - he probably cannot tolerate people and he probably pisses people off. I suspect that on the one hand, deep down, he is loving, generous, loyal & various other things but that on his flip side he is insecure, bitter, cynical and scared and is over protective of himself. If he has not been in the safe confines of his family and had instead been 'out there' in the real world, he would have got a bloody great big shock!!!!
His behaviour towards the children is not heavy discipline - it is control freakism manifesting itself in unacceptable behaviour. You don't say what sort of man he is - is he articulate with a good vocabulary, does he read a lot, or is he a man of little worlds who watches a lot of TV???? The reason I ask this is because he may not feel confident to express himself if he is the strong silent type.
Anyhow, he has injured you and threatened you and then told you that you brought it upon yourself. This is disgusting behaviour. As you have managed to leave and even have another relationship (hopefully with someone nicer) I would suggest sticking at it and see if you feel better over the next few months. He is unlikely to change and the purpose of your existence is not to look after him whilst he abuses you. If you think he might change, you could suggest marriage counselling.
You say you have stopped seeing the other man - is this because of husband's threats. It might be good for you to have some time on your own to be nice to yourself. When you feel those feelings towards him just recall something terrible he did like ruining your holiday by shouting for half of it about the accommodation and you will soon remember why you left him.
You are still young enough to meet someone else and start again. It is only natural to feel some attachment and love but I guess 'love is not enough' as they say. I love my partner but I am not sure whether I can stay with him because his behaviour is just too out of order. Regarding whether you will stay with husband or divorce him, you will find your answer to that in time but it would be lovely to have someone else to wine and dine you? buy you flowers and treat you gently?? or alternatively be alone and be nice to yourself for now. I bet you don't miss his moods and outbursts. He has been abusive to you and this is unacceptable and in front of the children as well. He is a great big bully. I actually feel quite sorry for him in a funny sort of way because now it has all come back to bite him on the bum and he has lost his wife but it serves him right. He is a grown man and he knows te difference between right and wrong. I hope you find some peace and I am sure you will get some more answers on this site. Take care x
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2008): Please save up money and move away. And if your kids are old enough, ask them to save up money as well so that all of you can move away. He's lonely for a reason-because he treats other people like crap! And if you worry about how he is doing, you can just call him from a pay phone or something, but for a very short period of time so he doesn't trace the line.
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