A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have been married for less than a year. We have sex only 2 or 3 times a month. Is this normal? I realize there is no 'normal' but come on! When we first got married I would find porn on his computer a lot. I tried to talk to him about it several times because I felt like it was taking away from our sex life (I was a virgin until we got married, and I felt cheated) but he just said that was the way he had done things and that's what he was used to. Once, I asked him why it had been so long since we had had sex and he said he was stressed about work. His job does not seem to be that stressful, he is off a lot and still gets paid. I haven't found anything on his computer in a while or anything to suggest that he is still doing that. I don't know if he really isn't or if he has just gotten better at hiding it because things haven't picked up for us any. When we do have sex it is always in the middle of the night after I've already fallen asleep (of course I'm awake when it happens), there is no romance involved, he never kisses me, and usually not even all of our clothes come off. Then it's back to sleep. I just don't understand. I thought most guys always wanted sex. My husband even told me before we were married that "it's like crack". As far as I know people that are addicted to crack have it more than 2 or 3 times a month! What's going on? Is he just not into me?
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female
reader, ellie1963  +, writes (13 February 2011):
 i too was married about 18 months ago and as soon as the wedding night my husband seemed to go off of sex. We have had sex 9 times in 19 months, he shows me almost no affection unless i ask for it and flirts with other women in front of me. We have been to a counseller already and she suggested he had a drink problem he has also been under tests for diabities. I believe he loves me but i dont knwo if i can live like this
A
female
reader, alijo +, writes (27 January 2011):
unfortunately some men believe that sex is for dirty or slutty women and their wives are for companionship and should be chaste and pure. This type man also believes that what his wife dont know won't hurt her. So that if he engages in sex with other women or men or even himself by the use of internet porn that it is ok as long as he is discrete and his wife does not find out. I have spent a lifetime studying this type behavior and am frightened to discover how common it is. It is up to us as wives to these men to say "this is unacceptable". This does not mean tht we have to leave our marriages, but we do have to insist that our husbands make a commitment to change this behavior that is usually a lifelong practice, therefore, a hugely difficult pattern to break. If he is commited it is possible but it requires intense counseling, and years of close monitoring that cannot be done by you. If you try to police his behavior it puts you in the position as the nag when you want to develop your position as his partner. This is why a counselor or clergy or some outside authority must be involved and they must hold him accountable for his actions.
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A
female
reader, songlover +, writes (5 March 2010):
I feel your pain. I am living with my boyfriend of 8 months. We should be swinging from the chandeliers. The thing is he NEVER comes on to me. He never has really. In the beginning we had sex more frequently but it was always late at night as the last thing on the list to do. Like you, many times he comes to bed and I'm asleep. And like you I wake up. I am completely confused because he seems in every other way to really be crazy about me. He has brought up marriage! But I have never been in a new relationship before where the guy was not all over me and couldn't get enough. The whole thing about new love, you know, can't wait to see each other to rip each others clothes off. Nope. Never. Not even in the very beginning. I don't know. It makes me feel lonely and undesirable. This is NEW for me and I don't know how to deal with it and I don't know why it is this way.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): Dear Poster
I can understand your confusion and your frustration. I must agree with you that the situation as described by you in your posting does not sound very healthy for a young newly married couple.
I am concerned, there could be numerous things at the core of this problem; I agree with Uncle Phil, this problem can be deep rooted.
Basically your husband has always had such a low libido since you got married; it did not decline? It sounds as if he is a very selfish lover; not much time and attention to foreplay or stimulation to you. Does he ever see to it that you reach orgasm? Does he ever pay attention to your needs and wants?
Did your husband have a lot of sexual experience before you got married?
Is your husband the same age group then yourself?
Is he on any medication or using any drugs?
Does he have any health related problems such as diabetics or anything that you are aware of?
It might be good if he consults his doctor for a general check up; if there is not any medical condition that is affecting his libido it could be psychological and then I suggest counseling will be the best option.
In the meanwhile try and get a very good book about sexual guidelines and maybe you can entice him to read the book with you and you can start trying a few things from the book.
I really want to help you and hope that this problem can be resolved; you should still be on cloud 9; almost like being on honeymoon!
Please advise me the answers to those questions if you can; if you don't mind;
Best wishes and always try to keep SMILING.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2008): I can only assume he married you for reasons other than sex. 2-3 times a month is definitely abnormal for a newly married couple. I'm not even married but I get a damned sight more than that, thank God!
Deep seated problems here. I quite wonder why he got married.
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