A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok, here is my question. I have been married to my husband for five years and we have a 4 year old daughter and a 6 month old son. For about a year no matter when I tried to initiate sex he didn't want to. We were having sex for about 1, 2 times a month. We live together, see each other every night. Everyday before he gets home the house is clean, dinner is cooked and timed so it'll be warm right as he gets home, I pick up his plate, let him relax and watch t.v. while I handle all clean up and take care of the kids. I want to be a good wife and take care of the house since I stay at home with the kids while he works. He enjoys hunting and fishing and I do get a little upset when he's gone nearly every night after work, or takes off in the morning on his only day off, says he'll be back in a few hours to spend time with us and comes home at 9 at night. But I never complain much and let him have his guy time. It doesn't help the guy he goes with cheats on his wife at least twice a week with different women.I have always had a strong sexual appetite, if I have my way we do every night. We always had sex from one to three times a day and then all of sudden he was always gone and never wanted to do anything with me, not even sit on the couch together to watch a movie or play with the kids.Now three years ago I had a severe self esteem issue and did flip out on porn because I felt like he was cheating on me getting off to naked women with perfect bodies. I didn't talk bad to him, I just told him how I felt hurt and he promised to get rid of them for me. I didn't make him, but he made a promise and I believed him. About a month ago out of no where he started wanting to have sex with me like how we used to and pulled out a lot of kinky new things we've never done before. At first I was confused but didn't complain or ask! Then I got told by his friend he had a stash of porn, and always makes comments about all these girls and how he wants to f*** them in detail. I asked him about it and he did tell me he found women attractive and has gotten aroused by looking at another woman and had to race home to me (don't like that idea at all, but at least he came home to me instead of trying with her so I didn't let him know it bothered me) and told me he has had two movies stashed in the closet for the past two weeks which is when we started having more sex. I am upset that I wasn't enough, that he had to look at other women to want to have more sex with me and broke a promise but I let it go. He was honest when I asked him, and seemed he was sorry and tried to reassure me how I am the most beautiful woman he knows. I do believe him on that, I don't think he'd ever cheat on me, I think the fact that he had porn instead of finding someone else helps with that. I told him it really wasn't too much the fact that he had watched porn as the fact he had lied to me and hid it behind my back. So we have an agreement to watch porn with other people in it when we're together, and he would watch ours when we're not. we have a nice collection of ourselves on our computer, and went to pick up some softcore porns that I could handle. Then I noticed when he would go hunting in the back yard he would take his phone, which he never does. I admit I glanced at it later and he had looked up tons of porn. Alot of hardcore s and m which I didn't know he liked. Now I had always wanted to play around with it so I brought it up with him that it's one of my fantasies and he looked like a kid in a candy store! I'm not too worried about the women in porn...besides I do everything that they do in them anyways. But he looks up porn every time he goes outside to smoke, goes in the woods, when I'm in the bath or in bed and even at work. Is that a little bit too much? And he keeps watching the other porn movies we bought when he sends me on "an urgent trip to the store". He keeps lying and hiding the fact when he looks at it, all I ask him is to be honest and I'll be ok with it and try anything he wants. Except for letting him watch another guy have sex with me, I'm still a bit confused about that request. If I'm so open and understanding with him, doing everything he wants in bed and do everything I can to show him I love him and will do anything to take care of him and our family why is he still looking at porn that much and lying to me all the time about it?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2010): I think it's normal for happily married guys to look at porn from time to time (heck as a married woman sometimes I do too). But your husband's behavior seems excessive, it sounds like it goes beyond normal limits and is actually an addiction. He needs professional help, as with any other addiction be it alcohol or gambling.
my husband had/has a porn addiction too. I found it out several years ago and it really hurt me because he was going to great lengths to hide it and also tried to cover it up and lie when I found the evidence so that was more hurtful. then he swore he would stop but I kept finding evidence that he hadn't. since then I gradually lost interest in him sexually because I was so offended by his behavior. He refused to get professional help, just kept saying he would cut back but he didn't. Between the two of us, I'm thin, athletic and have the nicer body while he is the one who has always been very overweight and less attractive. So the thought that HE would be addicted to porn, was all the more offensive, if anything it should be ME! Now I don't know if he still has the addiction because I just don't care anymore I don't bother to check his computer or phone or bags or closets in his home office or whatnot. Our sex life has really taken a nosedive and I'm just totally turned off by him so probably this means he is even more addicted to porn than eve before! And I'm sexually frustrated cos I now find him disgusting I'm totally turned off by him I hate having sex with him even though I find myself very attracted to other men (I admit I had an affair too, it was wrong of me and I ended it) so I know it's not that I have a sexual problem in general it's just I have a problem with HIM, and it all started ever since I found out about his porn addiction.
A
male
reader, acognacn69  +, writes (8 December 2010):
It's more of a visual thing. As a guy I can tell you every day i look at porn, though not on my phone. We watch it together. We have our own collection too. I can say that atleast for me, I am not interested in other women but i am interested in what they are doing. Try sending him a text or email of some stuff. If that doesn't work then maybe he has an obsession. good luck
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A
male
reader, Cupid Boy +, writes (8 December 2010):
 Wow. I'm with you, I can't understand why he would be doing this, unless he were at least somewhat addicted. He should consider himself lucky to have a wife so flexible and understanding. You allow some porn in the house, have made your own, and are willing to watch some with him. You've made it so that there's really no reason to lie, so the fact he still does probably means he wants to keep you in the dark as to the scope of his problem.
"he looks up porn every time he goes outside to smoke, goes in the woods, when I'm in the bath or in bed and even at work. Is that a little bit too much?"
Well, it's a lot too much. I doubt any more compromise on your part is going to make a difference. Somehow you both must confront this problem, for the health of your relationship and your children. They shouldn't grow up with a porn addict for a father.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (8 December 2010):
 I think he might be addicted to it and yet reluctant to admit it as so many men are. He is making up excuses, refusing actual sex and basically finding as much time as possible to watch porn. It does sound as though he is addicted. Don't worry, it is not you. He is telling the truth when he tells you that you are beautiful. He is not wishing to be with those other women and he does not wish he was having sex with them. It is porn itself that arouses him, because he may be an addict.
If you ask him to stop it may or may not lead to an argument but just remind him the next time he does it that it hurts when he lies to you. Just look at this marriage though, is he paying enough attention to you as his wife? Does he make you as happy as you try to make him? Aside from the sexual aspect, does your husband make you happy? Is he a good father? You should not be with someone who spends more time watching porn than he does being a good husband. You should not be with someone who refuses to address the problem. Unfortunately, I am not sure about what you can do but you are not alone in this. There are many women, perfect wives whose husbands would prefer porn for some odd and sometimes convoluted reason. Just look at your marriage and talk to him once more about it. Give him one more chance to make things right because this is not how a wife as devoted as you should feel about her marriage.
I hope that helps.
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