A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello aunties,The past year has been stressful, hurtful, and downright annoying for me. The reason I am experiencing these emotions is because my husband has been neglecting to acknowledge my feelings but sticks up for other women who are going through something similar. I would like to give you an example of what I mean. When I would make something as common as chili, stew, or hamburgers he gave me snide remarks like "my mom's is way better then this... your is alright." Now it doesn't sound mean but the way he said it was hurtful. Now I know I'm am an amazing cook and have been referred to by many people as a gourmet cook so I don't get why my husband would say that even if they were better or not. Back to the point though his mom made pork chops one night and my husband's dad didn't like it. Neither did I or my husband because plain canned tomatoes makes me feel nauseous (I'm pregnant), but I nor my husband said anything I ate most of it then gave the rest to my husband.the only one who said anything was his dad. At first he just said he wasn't hungry. Then his mom said "why not you don't like it" and he said "no I don't". Then an argument between them erupted and his mom started crying. Then my husband was really upset because his mom was crying and my husband got angry at his father. That is just one example I don't understand why my husband would say those things to me and hurt my feelings but defend his mom over something quite similar.Other examples are my husband takes his mom's side when his dad isn't listening to his mom, when his parents would argue when drunk, when his dad lied to his mom, etc...But meanwhile my husband ignores me talking about things, doesn't tell me things about his day but tells his mom I usually find out because his mom asks me what I think about something that he told her. I go along with it and pretend that he's told me which hurts.Also I feel my husband isn't very interested in my pregnancy as I tell him my dreams and he immediately said his mom's dreams, or how his mom felt when pregnant. I know that stuff is useful to me but I feel like he is not showing interest in our pregnancy and much rather would be interested in his mom's pregnancy.Another thing that hurt me was my husband was trying to get me to tell his mom I was raped. Which I refused to because prior to that she said women who dress a certain way are just asking to be raped (i completly disagree with that statement. I was fully dressed and beaten then i had my clothes literally ripped off by two men so my opinion is no one deserves that.When I later told my husband why I would not tell her. My husband defended her saying that she didn't mean it like that.My question is why is he always defending his mom but when I speak up to his family he is quiet and I am all along and get ganged up on?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2015): Sadly, when you have lived with someone for so long and grow accustomed to them;some people believe they will be around forever no matter what. Plus, when the other person doesnt show them (not tell them), show them how much the things they say hurt; they tend to keep doing them.You need to stand up for yourself and quit doing things for him if all he is going to do is criticize them.
A
female
reader, jlheinemann  +, writes (8 November 2015):
Family dynamics like this are never simple and there is more information needed, such as how long have you been married and how did his mother and father react to the idea of his proposal to you? But, given just the information you provided, I would say, it is nice your husband loves his mother so much, I don't think that is a bad thing in and of itself, but there are boundary problems in this family, and that is what makes this troubling. First, he should not be sharing information with his mother or anyone in his family instead of you, and certainly not info you have expressly forbid him to share. Secondly, he should not be continuing to triangulate against you with his mother in any situation...or even with his father when his mom and dad argue..but that is a dynamic that got set up in the family when he was probably very young. It is very common for a child to try and intervene when they see their mother hurt, ie...crying, it increases their anxiety that something is wrong, so most children want to rescue their mothers. You really need to talk to him in a calm moment when you can and ask if he would be willing to go to marriage counseling if you want to stay in this relationship. With a baby coming it will be important to not re-enact the same dynamic in your family, right? He needs to know how much this is impacting your own little family, how upsetting it is to you and the potential consequence of not changing the behavior.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 November 2015):
 My guess is that during his adolescence he watched his parents fight/argue and was the one his mom confided in, the one she vented to. And because she confided things to him he believed HER version and could find NO faults with her. She probably was good at painting herself as the "victim" of arguments and disagreements. Add to that the mom probably also gave him more attention and love than his father did, which again reinforced that SHE never wring in his eyes.
And he STILL can't pass the notion that she isn't this "perfect woman" up on the very tall pedestal (where HE placed her in his childhood/adolescence.) Hence his "glorification" of her food and her behavior.
If he compares you to his mother constantly, I would be annoyed too.
You do NOT have to share things with HER that you don't want to. And that is definitely not up to him to decide what you should share with her.
If it's common behavior for his family to "gang up" on you when you are there, I would simply avoid going to see them.
But if you speak up when you are there because you WANT to be right about things, I'd say LEARN to take the high road because you ALREADY know that YOU are on your own when you are there. No back up from hubby.
The presumption that a man who treats his mom well is a good man and will treat his gf/wife good as well is a bit of specially when you have a guy who "worships" his mom, but not his wife.
Outside YOU and his mom he really doesn't have much experience with women does he?
I think it's unrealistic to think he will ever change. Mom is his #1 and she always will be. So "armed" with that knowledge you need to figure out what YOU want to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2015): The umbilical cord is wrapped tightly around your so called husband.His mother's needs are coming first before his wife's needs.Since mommy comes first, I would be finding myself a new husband who is fully committed and vested in our relationship together.Tell him you have had enough of this nonsense and that you are considering walking out of this relationship if he doesn't straighten up and start treating you with respect and putting you first in your relationship.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 November 2015):
 Great husband you've got, there.
WHY don't you dump HIS sorry A$$ and get a better one?????
Good luck....
P.S. "Momma's boys can be SO frustrating.... because women believe that he really respects and cherishes woman (a/k/a: his "Mommy") ,.... when, in fact,... the opposite is true!!!
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A
female
reader, Mina_Bhamji  +, writes (6 November 2015):
 He seems like he has a very close bond with his mother. This could be due to him being baby'd until an old age by his mom. It's difficult to distance such a strong relationship. To start with, explain how you feel and make sure he can see it is hurting you, he might not be able to see it, dish out a couple examples. Tell him you want to do family things with just you two before the baby comes. Try to not go see the mother as often as usual, and emphasise the importance of your relationship with him.
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