A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Me and my ex girlfriend broke up a month ago. Things didn't end great, she still wanted to stay in contact with me but after she showed up to my father's dinner drunk, I didn't want no part of her anymore. Apart from the 2 times I have seen her since our break-up, (to give her her stuff back, and to help her when her car broke down,) I told her that i don't want to talk to her. Anyways, today my supposedly close friend told me that he had bumped into her and he asked her out and she said yes. I was furious mostly because I still loved her and didn't want to see her dating someone else especially my close friend. But I knew that if this is what she wanted then I would let her go, and my close friend is weird, and this is his first date in ages so I was determined not to mess it up for him. So I texted her and told her that she has my full support, then she text me back and said "if you just tell me you still love me, I won't go." Now I'm really confused and upset, what does me loving her have anything to do with the date?? What is she trying to prove?? Why is she doing this??Do I admit that I still do love her?? I just really need some advice right now
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 November 2015):
 Please look out in to the sky tonight... and you might well find that THE WORLD DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND YOU!!!!!
When (once) you figure out THAT, the "answer" to your question will become crystal clear.....
Good luck....
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (6 November 2015):
 I'd say she wants to get back together.I DO see the big deal with her showing up drunk to your father's dinner (or any other event). There is no point in having standards if you're not going to live by them and if there are no consequences for others for not living by them. Dumping her was the right call, in my opinion and the only way she'll learn to take her own behaviour and other people's limits seriously.Let her date your friend. If he's weird and she still wants you it probably won't last long. Put a polite distance between both of them.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2015): Once you returned her belongings; you and your ex-girlfriend should have parted your ways and gone completely no-contact. Blocking all feeds and social media means of contact. Deleting phone numbers, avoiding mutual friends, and all your old hangouts. Park your car away from the street, in a well-watched lighted area. Avoid being psycho-ex; and don't drunk-text.
Stalking Facebook and trolling IM's is high school and very unmanly.
You are no longer her boyfriend; and you are not obligated to fulfill any official boyfriend's duties. Any continuance is allowing your heart-strings to be pulled in manipulation.
Man-up and stick to your guns. Stop being a wuss.
She's a grown woman and she'll survive. Don't allow your male-ego to convince you she'll fall apart without you. If she does, she's a poor excuse for a girlfriend; and not much of a woman. She has to stand on her own two feet. If she has to depend on you for everything, that's pretty sad.
Not to mention exhausting!
Hideout at home, and allow yourself to be emotional. Cry, scream, punch and kick a punching bag at the gym. Even if you don't go to a gym find one. Punch and kick it. Oh, that feels sooo good! Let it out, in "sane" ways. Only go insane at home alone. Don't punch walls, please! Don't kick the cat either...absolutely no cruelty to animals! I know cats give you a condescending snarky smirk, but that's what they do! Dogs are better for breakup-therapy. They can sense a guy's pain. If you don't have one, puppy-sit for someone else.
Calling you to do favors and a series of distress calls is a form of manipulation. Appealing to your ego, allowing you to believe she needs your strength. You'll fall for it trying to be Prince Valiant. Unless you're a licensed mechanic, she could have gotten her car fixed a a repair shop. She has to learn to do things on her own anyway. If you do everything for her, you're probably a control-freak. Keeping her helpless and dependent on you. Let her go!
Let her learn to find other sources of help. Call a plumber, the landlord, or any other service person she needs. It will be one thing after another, and you'll never really have the chance to detach. The first few weeks are the hardest. You're going through withdrawal.
You'll get very angry once you've come to realize how you've been played. Then you will say and do stupid things, and blame her for your gullibility. She's a woman, they're smarter than us! They know how to play with our minds, and use our egos against us. Female tears are cryptonite.
You have to move on once you breakup. Of course you still love her, but not enough not to breakup! She doesn't love you so much she will not date or boink your weird friend!
That is really holding an anvil over your head, and a knife to your heart! Obviously she took Emotional blackmail 101. Scorned females love pulling that one over on egotistical-males. It doesn't work on all guys!
Stop finding reasons and excuses to stay in-touch. You have to get the hell out of each others way. You're also trying to keep her away from other men; because your male jealously hates the thought of her having sex with someone else. She will eventually boink another guy. Probably has already; and you'll boink another female in the next few weeks. If you haven't already! I know how these things go down, my young friend. You love her soooo much!!! Until you get horny! The same will happen to her.
You'll ache and pine for each other, but you really can't stand each other. You'll even do the nasty for old times sake. That's normal after a breakup. The cloud of lust dissipates and you hate each other the morning after.
I couldn't stand the thought of sex with someone who dumped me. Not even for a spite f*ck! I'd rather stick toothpicks in my eyes, and drink Drano! They can have somebody else!
Jealousy whispers in your ears "they're gonna have sex with somebody else!" I know how that feels. It really sucks!
It went through my mind when I got dumped. Got over that crap. So will you. You can be your own worst enemy with that one!
As for who she decides to date? That's none of your business. She's using dirty underhanded psychological tactics to piss you off. It's the typical psychological war-fare people will stoop to when they feel rejected.
Immediately dating...even worse, dating someone close to you to be spiteful. Acting recklessly as if they'll hurt themselves. To keep you on pins and needles, always on the brink of anger; or a nervous wreck! You've got to distance yourself and be strong. I think you should avoid that friend(?). He's a creep. If she wants that, it ought to tell you something. Are you always going to get to tell her who not to boink? Even when she gets pissed off at you again? Why would he want to step in the middle of a breakup? He's a pig! I highly suggest that you don't talk to him. He'll piss you off and you'll do something stupid and take her back just to keep her from him. They might have been eyeing each other all along anyway! Funny so soon huh?
She doesn't need your blessing to date your friend. Nor does she need your approval to do anything. Let her burn herself in her on spiteful rebound relationships. She'll have to learn from her mistakes. So will you! You don't own her, and her vagina is not your property. You've relinquished all rights.
Once you find someone you like, or your attracted to; you'll suddenly open your eyes to all this. Allow yourself time to go through the phases of detachment until you're over her. It's hard, but you'll get there. Everyone does.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (6 November 2015):
 The word love is used in different contexts. 1. You are committed to each other's happiness, now and future. 2. You have nostalgic memories. 3. You simply don't want anyone else to have her. Without number 1, love has no meaning and will never work. She's using her friend to manipulate you into not breaking up with her yet. I would say this is based on her bruised ego and not love. If you respond to her then you would be dragged into her mind games.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2015): She has no romantic interest in your friend. She was just using the date to make you jealous. She's trying to prove that you still have feelings for her, and apparently, she's correct in that assumption.
If you love her, why did you break up with her? It sounds like you do still want her in your life, and, clearly, she wants you in hers.
Perhaps you're just afraid to commit to her.
At any rate, you can't have it both ways. If it's over, stop all contact with her and never see her again for any reason.
Seeing her twice since the breakup a month ago is unacceptable.
I don't see the big deal about her showing up drunk at the dinner. She did so, because she doesn't know how to deal with her pain about the breakup or how to turn things around. The alcohol gave her the bravado to make a move.
We all make mistakes, sometimes foolish ones, especially when we're young with a heart full of passion.
And she cares about you!
If you still care about her, you should swallow your pride and makeup with her. Though she loves you, you're risking losing her forever as she may meet someone else who treats her better, someone who cherishes her the way that she deserves to be cherished.
Love is a very precious thing and there's so little of it in life. If someone truly loves you, you better hold on tight.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (5 November 2015):
 It is, firstly, clear that you going no contact with her is just something that you say but not do.
Second, she said yes to her friend to make you jealous and she succeeded with that, or why else would you text her about it.
Third, if you are gone no contact, what business is of yours to "show support" for your GF to go with your friend unless she got under your skin so you went condescending.
Finally, she admitted that she does't care about your friend but will go with him anyway unless you "love her"... But you did say you love her! Yet you support her dating him!
So your position is illogical: either drop her and forever live in peace that she is out of your life because she came stoned to a dinner or stop playing this game of chicken that inflates all these negative emotions of condescension, jealousy and cynicism because they get in the way of your resolution.
Therefore, keep things simple and black and white. If you love her and want her back then go and get her then use other "punishment" methods to tell her that her drinking is unacceptable. Otherwise, if your heart is not with her and you think you deserve a better GF then dump her, go no contact and forget about what she does or whom she does because is she is no longer your business.
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A
female
reader, Mina_Bhamji  +, writes (5 November 2015):
 Seems like she said yes to your friend to get a reaction out of you. She seems like she still has feelings, question is whether you want to tell her yours, if you do it might lead to you two trying to make it work.
I think you need to sit with your friend and speak to him, him asking your ex out is disrespectful in my eyes and should be addressed.
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