A  ,
*elsi
writes:My best friend is really stressed right now. She is 57 and I am 50. It's her job and all the responsibility. The one thing she enjoyed, was at the end of the day getting an email from me, it would make her laugh and smile. It made her happy. Well lately she has been so busy she rarely checks her email from me. The fact of the matter is I went to visit her in May. It didn't go as well as we had hoped, I had a stomach issue the week I was there. I didn't tell her about it because I didn't want her to worry. I finally had to tell her about it because the time we were spending together got uncomfortable because I was so quit and not feeling well. She was pissed because I didn't tell her about my stomach problem. So I asked her what was going on and she said she was just busy and that she is not mad at me at all, she said she wants to move forward but her actions don't speak those words. She explained it's her job, putting in long hours and just too tired to read another email, even from me. The one thing she said that confuses me is the following statement: "sometimes I don't email cause you are always asking if everything is ok..."Why wouldn't I ask her if everything is ok? I love and care about her and am worried about her!Thanks for your advice!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 October 2011):
 It's a matter of personality, some people appreciates a constant reminder that their friends think and care about them during a difficult time... and some don't,they'd rather be let to their own devices and deal with their issues without the pressure of reassuring YOU.
It's a fine line between being caring and being invaisve, and if you send too many e-mails, or ask too many " is everything OK ?" you change the focus from her to you, and yes, you do add pressure to her life, because now she also has one MORE thing to do, answering your message, otherwise you'll send another one, insisting " are you REALLY OK ? " etc.etc.
I think you can't be nice to people...in spite of them, and if she signaled she 'd like you to back off... then you should back off. I am sure you mean well, and she appreciates teht, but ...you have to support people in a way that feels good for them, not for you, otherwise it does not help !
A
female
reader, chocoholicforever +, writes (12 October 2011):
It sounds like you do care a lot about her, and want sincerely to help her when you see that she's going through a rough time in her life.
the thing is though, that people don't always want to be helped, or to do the degree that their loved ones want to help them. Some times people who are having personal problems can feel overwhelmed if they also feel that (on top of their actual problems) they now have to give regular status update to their loved ones as well, especially if their loved ones have been pressuring them to follow certain advice or giving unsolicited advice and getting upset if the troubled person isn't "getting better" on the loved one's time frame. Rather than being a source of support, this type of concern actually puts pressure on the troubled person and adds to their problems.
some times also, the troubled person may not want to share their troubles with concerned loved ones because of fear of being judged or labeled or any other number of reactions from their loved ones. Which will only add more problems to the troubled person's life on top of their original ones. So if this is the case and you often email to ask if everything's OK, she may not be OK at all but at the same time she may not want to share her problems with you either. And if she doesn't want to share with you, she has every right to her own privacy.
Another possibility is that maybe you're over reacting to your friend's personal problems? could it be that you're making a crisis where there is none, and this irritates her because it's intrusive and makes her feel that you're not sympathetic, i.e. it's more about your own desire for her to behave a certain way (a "happier" way, as judged by you), and not about what's actually going on in her life.
some times the best way to support someone who's going through problems is to just be there and listen without offering advice or your own take on their situation. You don't indicate if you have in the past been offering unsolicited advice or anything like that, but if her email said "sometimes I don't email cause you are always asking if everything is ok..." that suggests that she feels that you've been encroaching on her personal space, through your acts of caring. so these are just some possibilities to explain why that could be....
you could ask her what you are doing that is irritating her, so that you can change your behavior. After all you want to be a positive or at least a neutral force in her life, not a negative one.
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