A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So my girlfriend and I have been together for about 9 months now, but have dated on and off for the past year and a half. We are both 18 years old, and we met in high school. For the past 8 or so months, everything was great. We would see each other almost every day and would text/call when we could not. However, she got accepted into a college in San Diego, which is 2000 miles away from me. The time zones and hectic college schedules have been making things difficult. We have definitely fallen away from what we once were, and both of us have become very different people. She no longer seems to care about me. When we both lived in the same state, we would always check up on each other and talk on the phone at night because she had a lot of issues going on (sexual abuse from a previous boyfriend made her afraid when it was dark). I would often stay up until 2 or 3 in the morning just calming her down. But I didn't mind because we were happy together. She also always made sure that I was doing okay. When she moved to California, we were both sad for the first few days, and some tiny arguments broke out, nothing really major. About 2 weeks ago, she told me she wanted a break, but still wanted to communicate and tell me she loves me, so it really isn't a break. Anyway, ever since that happened, I haven't even been a priority to her. When we text, all I get are one word answers, or emotionless messages; she acts like she doesnt care. When I want to talk on the phone at night, she says she can't talk, and that's that. I feel like I don't matter anymore. And we have talked about this, and every time I bring it up, she becomes very short and frustrated and tells me it's because she's just busy. However, she goes out to the beach and stays out late at night, every night so I know the "just busy" excuse is just a cover. To top it all off, there's another guy out there who she spend a ton of time with, and he really likes her. She has promised me she has no feelings for him, but they literally spend every second together because he "reminds her of me." They even went out on a 2 hour walk at midnight last night. I know she would not cheat on me, but I feel so abandoned after everything I have done for her. Am I being selfish? It just seems that everything is about her right now, and our relationship is totally one sided. Talking to her about this is basically impossible because she just gets angry and it winds up making things worse. Is it time to end this? Or is there something I can do or say to attempt to let her know how I feel? Thanks in advance.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (12 October 2011):
 'Is there something I can do or say to attempt to let her know how I feel?'"Samantha, I want to talk for a few minutes, please just listen and don't try to start thinking of replies before I've said what I feel I need to say. Just listen, and be with me, like we were together in the past. I'd appreciate it."I know we are far apart and life is changing for both of us, I just don't know how to tell you how sad I feel about that. I know you are meeting new people and that you don't want to cheat on me but I feel a bit neglected right now. I get the impression you don't have much time for me and when we are on the phone, I feel like the conversation we have is rushed and short."I don't know how to put this exactly, but do you consider us to be in a relationship or have you moved on somehow, without letting me know?"I think time and distance is taking its toll on your relationship, sorry. Though you have devoted a lot of time and energy to supporting her, this doesn't guarantee that she'll be with you forever.-------------I have stepped away from your question and just re-read it before editing my response. I just realized that she thinks you two are on a break. Ah. She is consciously or subconsciously preparing you for a break up; she's certainly not feeling you are a priority for her.At this point, I don't know what you have to lose by not speaking to her, with good intentions and attempting your best attempt to stay bright and positive."Am I being selfish?" Selfish how, wanting to know what's going on? No, you are not being selfish."It just seems that everything is about her right now, and our relationship is totally one sided." From what you've written, it is one-sided. You want to be with her and she's not really all that interested."Talking to her about this is basically impossible because she just gets angry and it winds up making things worse. Is it time to end this?"I think it sounds as though you are out of patience and are ready to find out what's going on inside her head. The problem is that you may never find out what's going on, as she may not tell you.I'd stop being coy or shy or deferential to her. Be positive but firm when you next get her on the phone and ask her if this 'break' is a prelude to something she hasn't yet worked up the courage to do.We can run a potential conversation if you want, you do her part and I'll try to give answers that will get to the issue with her.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 October 2011):
 I'm afraid it's time to end this....You are not being selfish but I fear she is not being totally honest with you...It sounds like she's spending a lot more time with this new guy than necessary.... I'm not sure how you know all the details of what's going on in her life... if you are "stalking" her to get this info that's not healthy for you... IF she is FEEDING you all this information about the stuff she is doing with this new guy,... then she's trying the chicken way out of ending this with you.
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